1501. Why do I choose guys who use me for a shag, or I like guys who end up being gay? Why can't this be simple?
1502. God, clear my head. Help me choose who is right.
1503. I know he wont be, but I hope he's there tonight.
1504. Please...stop the pain. Make everything right. Make his life more bearable, wipe me from this earth...please, I'll beg you.
1505. So much want.
1506. "Just be careful you dont break the boy." ...I think I may have...
1507. Not fair? Not fair?! *laughs* Of course! I'm the one that's not fair.
1508. My second time EVER wished for myself to be happy now... It's time that I pleased myself... I am not selfish... Why does he make me sick? 3 years... and he is like a disgusting PIG who steals money and uses me for money.
All the reciepts just don't add up to leave me just £40 :'( He's a con artist and I can't help but hate him... But i love him dearly at the same time.. But he sees me, uses me and goes home. Why me?
1509. I think this is a game to you. I'm happy, but why is it the only time I am happy...my happiness is based ona one huge lie. I love him more than anyone else on this planet, and no matter what I'm always going to love him...because I'm a determined retard that way, but really...please make this semi-permenant. Just get rid of her.
1510. I'm happy we're talking and friends.. now can you help me get rid of these feelings for him? I wanna be close mates again, nothing more.
1511. I'm losing this battle. I'll take whatever I can get if it makes me stronger. I'm losing the battle too.
1512. I will do everything I can to try to make her stronger.
1513. It's funny to watch him think her problems are so simple, when it's so EASY to read. Lord, give the boy some insight before I die laughing.
1514. Yay. Thankyou. But please, don't let anything bad happen. x
1515. Fuck this shit. What a jackass. I'm fed up, I wanna go to sleep and not wake up because maybe than this'll all be a horrible nightmare that I can finally wake up from.
1516. I love you so much. Thanks for always being here.
1517. Another lonely Friday night for a nineteen year old male in his prime. *laughs* But I guess I'm not that bothered.
1518. I'm in love.
1519. I really wish he hadn't denied me...
1520. I love him. I think it may all be falling into place again with him, Lord. Thankyou for helping me and Him work like we used to. Can you help me again? Please also help my best friend. She needs it.., I think I upset her alot. So much. Please help me fix that too =(
1521. I see him again tonight. Please let him want me. I've never wanted to be wanted so badly before in my life. Show me that I can have importance to someone so normally perfect. Show me that I can fit in with the average. Show me that this body I flaunt isn't just for the deprived. I've never needed this confirmation more, not from anyone. I need it from him. Please. Please.
1522. I thought it would make her feel so good. Something to be happy about. That someone was proud of her just because they were. Just because she was who she is. I put so much thought into it...
1523. Why does this hurt so much?! *cries* Please help me forget him. *cry*
1524. God! Why are boys so confusing! He talks to me for almost a half hour alone, and we spent most of the evening talking, laughing, and he looks like an angel when he laughs. But this other girl kept stealing him and taking him away from me, but he didn't seem to really want to go with her, but he went with her out onto the balcony. Please tell me he doesn't want her more. I almost came when we danced, his cell was right up against my crotch in his pocket, and I know it was on vibrate, and if it had gone off then I would have come right there. And the way he sang at me, even though the music was so loud, his voice was amazing. I want him to want me so badly. I want him to have left as horny and desperate as I did.... Oh, do I...
1525. I guess I was wrong. He's doing it again. =(
1527. It's weird. I understand. Suddenly, I get it. I understand the jealousy. It didn't make sense for so long why it would hurt, I get it now. Because there was so much laughter; staggering around like I was drunk with it, stumbling over my feet to make my turns and ducking my head and laughing until it hurt, and being laughed with, with hands on my waist, spinning me into a dizzy, giggling oblivian. How hard is that to watch? To want to be a part of that, but not be a cause of it. To not be one of those people. It suddenly makes so much sense. And I feel bad, you know I feel bad, because I don't know how to make him into one of those people, since he's sad, even when he acts happy, and that takes away from the carefree joy of it. We never talk about anything that's laughable, but I can understand the need for that smile. And I feel bad, be understanding the jealousy, I'll still go back again and again, because it feels good to be so happy, and I don't want to give it up ever.
1528. I don't know why it still gets to me. He's moved on, and he's been moved on since the day we broke up. And here I am, over a year later, still wishing he'd come back. And now, with the way I am, I know he'll never come back. No guy wants a girl with a baby. Why does it hurt so much to know that he's happy with someone else? And why can't I just be happy without him?
1529. "You can have as many beers as you want, babe." "Really? :)" "Yea, I love you." "I love you too."; sounds like a good night. If anyone's bipolar it's him, Lord. I used to love the man he was...but he's changed. "Don't talk to me." "Why?" "Dont. Talk. To. Me." "Fine...Fuck you too."; sounds like the night I ended up having. Why is it he manages to make me feel worthless? I'm not there to be told what to do. I'm not there to make him promises he won't even keep. I want to love him...I want things to be the way they're supposed to be...but you know me, I always seem to get the shit end of the stick...thanks alot.
1530. I know how you feel 1529. I don't understand it at all. He was being so nice last week. He loved me last week. Now he needs time to think. Why? It's stupid. I don't know if I can take it anymore. I don't think I care anymore.
1531. Stupid, stupid boy! Why did he decide to have feelings for me! He can't claim innocence, he knows how I play my games, and how I can be! Stupid, stupid boy!!
1532. I have a playtoy who's ready for me at a moment's notice if I would but call him and ask, and the boy I hardly knew who got off and teased me, then lost his nerve with his hands up my shirt and left two nights ago. I have an ex boyfriend or two who would take me at my word. I have a boy who smokes and drinks and looks so naughty doing it and I want so badly it hurts who wont touch me. And I have a boyfriend who cares about me and honestly thinks I'm faithful and wants to wait till we're married to fuck, and I have no idea why.
1533. Do I love him? Do I hate him? Make up my mind. Do I want to be around him? Do I want to stay as far away as possible? Do I want to cuddle up close to him and listen to him call me baby? Or would I rather ignore him all together and talk amongst everyone else? Please...tell me, because I'm tired of guessing.
1534. He can be such a sweetheart...so why do I feel like I'm nothing when I'm with him...most days?
1535. I'm not wasting my life on drugs. I'm wasting it on hope. Hope that one od these days will turn out good. Hope that people'll be there when they should. Hope that just doesn't exsist. Hope destroys. Hope kills. Hope is a waste of my time.
1536. Physically sick with exhaustion... It's hard to stand... But you gotta smile pretty for the camera while your knees shake, or they'll attack you like a pack of wolves.
1537. He gives them to her, and she take them.
1538. 'Kay, obviously I have alot of resentment built up inside against him, obviously the ugly resentment'll come up when I'm drunk so I didn't mean what I said. I do love him, I don't want to play him at his own game (I couldn't do that anyways...I DO have a heart.) I don't want to sleep with Brett....I just want to be happy. I just want things to go right...I'm so tired. Je m'en fou.
1539. JUST TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IT IS I SAID!!
1541. I wish I could talk, but I have no one I can talk to.
1542. This isn't fair.
1543. I like giving chase...
1544. Sharon helped me a lot last night and today. Please, why can't he just forget it all and at least make an effort at work, i'm sick of it being petty. Please, he believes in you. Apparantly. Also, what gives him the right to tell me it's all my fault? Two to fucking tango..
1545. Caught under guilt, fingers twitching, pulling, grasping on the frayed edge of poffered freedom. Freedom? Freedom? Is that really what you need, far gone from watchful eyes? Is it permission for ruin, the start of the long fall? When the night is over, will I be worse for it? It's strange. If you let it fly away, and it comes back, it's love. If you let it fly away and it never comes back, it wasn't ever yours...
1546. It's hard, because part of her says "Rachel, this has to stop." It tells her that to keep going is like playing him. That if things going the way they're going, it wont get better, and that she just has to go and try to find something better. But a large part of her wishes she could pull him into her lap and run her fingers through his hair and let him cry until the tears are gone, and everything is quiet.
1547. So, if I can't have him?... Who can I have?
1548. I have never needed time to think. But now he does. Again. Maybe its time I had a think.
1549. Please tell me he's not lying about this, please tell me that. Please tell me he actually is okay and isn't just saying that. Please tell me that. PLEASE let him be telling me the truth!
1550. This isn't fair! it's not! it's jsutn not! They always tell you that if she's right for you ti'll all;w ork ouyt. I KNOW she's right for me. I know it. Why isn't it working out? I tried so hard. I can tryb harder! I can! Please...I can't stand the thoiught of her with another guy...
1551. Please just let me go. Please? Just let me go quietly, in my sleep tonight. Please. Just let me go!
1552. I know how you feel 1550. I can't stand the thought of him with another girl.
1553. I don't know about how I feel about him being with another girl. Unthreatened? Self-assured. No on is better than me, yes? And if she were... But why am I not making this choice? I should be able to. I should be able to say one way or the other. It's not fair for him for me not to know.
She stands profile and admires her figure. Thin. She's losing weight. She looks amazing, though a little pale, not at all like she's dying from the inside out.
1554. God, I'm so glad my life is made up of uncomplicated fucks...
1555. Why won't you help me?
1556. Okay seriously. This isn't funny anymore, man. Wanna make my life a little more shitty? Aren't you supposed to be watching out for me? See? I knew there was no such thing. There couldn't be. Things like this wouldn't happen if there was. Fuck.
1557. I've never felt like this about someone before. He's for sure my other half, I knew that so long ago way back when we first met. And I know he loves me, he's confused as to what love is...but I know he's got it going for him. But...why is it SHE has to be in the picture. I want her gone. Dead. I want to fight her, I don't care what the threat of it is. I want to be happy, I want everything to feel all right...I'm tired of dieing a little each day...if he hurts me again...I'm finished.
1558. I was looking in the relations on her page for no real reason. "in the same boat". Am I that person lingering in the picture? Am I being lied to...?
1559. He says they wont be good to me. That they don't know how careful they have to be.
He has no idea how right he is.
1560. "So who's the girl with?" *points to him* "Uh...no....yea....no....yeeeea....kind of I guess, it's complicated :/ *shifty eyes.*"......Fuck you too.
1561. It's over now. Please don't come back again. I can't take that much hurt you bastard.
1562. Please don't let her be losing interest...
1563. Self-destruction is a beautiful, horrible thing.
1564. why do I want to die and end it all, but want to live to see if it gets better? Please help... I don't wanna end up doing something stupid.
1565. I'd rather be begged to talk than this.
1566. Succesfully finding ways to make it al go away.
1567.She's such a bitch. He deserves better, now I understand.
1568. He assumes I'm viginal and pure, when I called him up on the phone last night just an hour after getting fingered by an ex boyfriend. He thinks I'm so sweet and innocent, when I've made plans to get fucked. He takes my hand and kisses it, and calls me an angel, and I laugh because I'm such a slut. That poor boy.
1569.I love that boy. He's all I got. And...despite the fact that some days he makes me feel horrible...he's amazing...thank you.
1570. I'm sorry, but I'm still freaking out. What kind of mother treats their son that way!? I thought she was such a nice lady but she's a fucking crazy ass mother fucking bitch. If I wasn't afraid for my life...I'd have decked her as soon as she decked him. I wanted to wreck her when she called him useless,he's not useless, he's not a loser, he's not a stupid fuck, he's everything she thinks he's not. I wanted to scream and yell and tell her she's lucky to have him as a son...he's the way he is because of her, she's created a never ending destructive cycle of insanity. She's crazy, she stressed ME the fuck out and I'm not her kid. I love him...and I want you to help him. Help him get the fuck out of there before I destroy someone...or before he destroys himself :(
1571.And how I wish I meant a little more than a symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips.
1572. Call me darling, call me love, call me slut because I am filthy.
1573. Is this what it feels like to be protected? Your enemies cherished, your thoughts disregarded as petty.
1574. I can supply my own favorite color.
1575. Tonight's the night I show them just how serious I am...
1576. Haha. go on, please say you've broken his foot ;)
1577. I don't have time for the both of them!
1578. Keep him safe. Keep him well. Keep him intact, because I'm worried as fuck.
1579. Come to think of it...what do I have to live for if he dies?
1580.All I can do is keep breathing...
1581. I wont cut! I WONT CUT!
1582. But then... not telling is almost the same as not doing...
1583. why the hell did you let me see them together?! I'm gonna fucking kill either him or myself by the end of the week.
1584. One phone call...and I'm calling the police...
1585. Baby, I love you. I really do. And I'm here...waiting...
1586. One sip, one swallow, how much will it take... make make it all... fall away.
1587. No! There's no way I'll get her back without the phone! No! This isn't fair!
1588. Yup, we'll just have to light her on fire. Sounds like a date.
1589. Oh God *cries* What have I done to deserve any of this?! I've tried my hardest to start afresh, get new friends, and even try to meet someone.. but it goes topsy turvey. I just wanna curl up and cry for the rest of my pityful life.. please, I need you.. Help..
1590. I'm scared for his life, God. I love him too much for things to go this bad for him...I can't watch...
1591. I miss him so much. How long does 33 days usually feel?
1592. I shouldn't like him. But I do. Is he just using me for sex? He's been with her for 3 years, and I don' tknow if he's still with her but I'm starting to feel awful is he is with her. And com'on, he won't even let his cousin, my friend, know about 'us'.. should I be worried?
1593.I need to hear his voice so I can know that everything is the way it's supposed to be. I love him way too much and I won't see him for way too long. </3 Keep him safe, keep him...him. Thank you.
1592.33 more days. I miss you...
1593. Please let him call...I need to hear his voice...
1594. I expected better. I don't know why, though. My expectations haven't been met in a long time.
1595. What about the times when I have talked to you about mundane things for hours in the past few months? Your expectations weren't met then? What about my expectations? What about everything that got turned the fuck upside down when suddenly my expectations weren't met? We can sit here and toss blame and accusation all we want but we both hold just as much fault as the other.
1596. Thankyou, Father, for forgiving me for every single time I slip and fall. Thankyou for giving me a new chance every time.
1597. Thankyou Lord for helping me. You didn't do it how I expected it, but you did. Thankyou.
1598. I feel confused. I miss him like there's no tomorrow, because he is, always has been and always will be my baby, but...right now, if he were to call...I'd probably hang up :/
Maybe it's Drugs....
1599. Everything that was said and everything that happened last night was the X talking...I don't want to talk to him again...he made me scared then...and ten times more scared now o_o...so...please God, shut him up. There's only one person for me and I have to wait 31 more days to see him.
1600. I'm just making this entry so that I can happily say this is full, and update.
Full. Please go to
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.My Messages To God.
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