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Page name: For the USA [Logged in view] [RSS]
2004-12-08 17:10:21
Last author: deus-ex-machina
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To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint
a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.

When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use
bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England.

The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England . It will be called "Indecisive Day".

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

10. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

12. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former
USA. The Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $1.50/litre - get used to it).

13. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

14. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

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2005-11-08 [SilverBlue82]: I know :p sarcasm fails terribly over the internet

2005-11-08 [SilverFire]: hence le </sarcasm> taggereth.

2005-11-08 [deus-ex-machina]: Indeed. The first comment was like 'yeah... *shrug*'... The use of definitions threw me into a state of raging confusion. Although it wasn't raging. Raging is just a fun adjective. Raging. Ray-JING!

2005-11-08 [iippo]: Eww at Ray-jing.

2005-11-08 [deus-ex-machina]: Shoo. Spatula fan. =(

2005-11-08 [iippo]: O_O People are saying the most amazing things today. Someone said to me something about "shades of de je vu" and immediately I was transformed into a world where I possessed a pair of sunglasses that made the wearer see de ja vus (that's a copyrighted thought now :P) and now, a spatula fan... rotating and automatically making pancakes all the time, so many many pancakes... O_o

2005-11-19 [Bumsoft]: the petrol prices thing is very, very true. a litre in europe costs more than a gallon in the US... and a bottle of water in london costs more than both.

2005-11-20 [iippo]: I thought the bottle of water-thing was true in the Emirates: they have mroe oil than water, hence they drink oil.

2005-11-20 [deus-ex-machina]: O.o - Drinking oil can't be good for you. =P

2005-11-21 [The illustrious Piki]: "There will always be an England..." Oh, brings a tear to my eye...

2005-12-13 [Kiddalee]: Task 11 is hilarious.

2005-12-26 [Tickle Me Emo]: I think I'm part of that 2.15%, because I'm confused as to why they call it the "World Series" as well. In referrence to #4, though, I believe Hollywood will start casting British people as soon as the people working on the HP movies cast an American kid. JK allowed them to cast Biggerstaff, so as soon as she stops discriminating against Americans it's all good. Don't blame her, though. I would discriminate against myself if it weren't for the sheer stupidity of such an action.

2005-12-26 [SilverFire]: I think your much mistaken over hollywood :) But I can't really be bothered to argue. You think Hollywood's only been frecking w/ British Actors since they started producing the HP films? Hollywood have type-cast English actors long before that. Could it possibly be that may, just maybe, Rowling has a liiiittle bit of a reason for not wanting American actors? Nah, that'd just be silly... pfeh.

2005-12-27 [iippo]: I would find it difficult to watch Harry Potter with an American kid in it. That actor would just destroy the reality of the story. Americans just do not go over to England to study, even less at the age of 11. We shall assume there is a wizarding school in USA as well -- well, maybe in Canada at least that American kids can attend. Or maybe it's an American thing to not have the wizarding gene and maybe there are no witches or wizards in the USA at all! :O

2006-01-15 [Delladreing]: *haunts*

2006-01-21 [Yncke]: Thank you for the laugh this page has painted on my face. (And thank you for giving the Belgians the credit they deserve concerning the fries.)

2006-02-09 [MkNalsheen]: this is hilarious as crap, i love this

2006-05-18 [Azuri]: Heh I love reading this thing. Does it still apply to us smart americans who didnt vote the current president into office? >> Cause I voted nater. >>

2006-05-19 [Jeesum Crowe]: Nader? *kills*

2006-05-19 [deus-ex-machina]: I thought it was Nader?

2006-05-19 [Jeesum Crowe]: HAH I knew that was off... *fixes*

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