This wiki is for things you find interesting or funny.
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
o The universe is even bigger than they thought!
o There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
o Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
o If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
o If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
o If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
o If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
26. "Dick Chaniny loves me, he wants to take me hunting!", from a comedian on Comedy central.
30. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
31. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
32. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
33. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
34. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
35. There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
36. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
37. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
38. i support publik edekasion
39. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
40. Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.
41. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
42. In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people unhappy and been generally regarded as a bad move.
43. They say that love hides behind every corner... am I walking in circles?
44. I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem.
45. Never moon a werewolf.
46. Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can't hear mine...
47. Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
48. Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you have enough to spare.
49. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
50. In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, "Let there be Light." And there was still nothing, but you could see it.
51. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
52. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
53. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
54. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
55. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
56. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
57. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
58.If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
59. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
60. Support Search & Rescue - GET LOST!
61. I saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it...
62. Before you judge another, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
63. Love your enemies; they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
64. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
65. NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
66. I don't get even, I get odder.
67. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
68. For years man thought that the moon was made of cheese but then they learned that it was just a hard lump of rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
69. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.
70. Logic is the systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
71. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
72. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
73. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
74. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then they beat you with experience.
75. I'm not completely useless... I can be used to set a bad example.
76. Black holes are where God divided by zero.
77. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
78. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
79. The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
80. Don't look at the way things are and ask why -- think about the way things could be and ask why not.
81. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
82. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
83. Percussive Maintenance - this is the fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
84. The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
85. If you've ever answered questions you don't know the answers to, you've created a religion.
86. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs harder.
87. The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.
88. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
89. It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
90. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
91. Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
92. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
93. When there's a will, I want to be in it!
94. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
94. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
95. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
96. I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
97. People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.
98. Sex is nobody’s business except the three people involved.
99. When I'm not near the one I love, I love the one I'm near.
100. This Is How Shit Happens
In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
and the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselfs, saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh to high heaven."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and these Areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Company Policy.
This Is How Shit Happens
101. Air conditioning, just a constant icy breeze combatting the sun!
103: Parents can not understand the fact that, If you're entire class failed a test, including you, then it's your teachers fault, not yours...even if you didn't study.
104. Fish tanks:
- Great for reptiles
- Perfect for plants
- Lovely for holding cleaning suplies
- Fun to stack
....one thing, for a fish, it's a death trap!
105. Aya: Well poo on them!
Kieta: .............hehe poo poo!
106. 2008-06-29 shadow frost wolf: Mwahaahahahaaaaa!
2008-06-30 ~Spirit Fox~: .......was that really nesisary?
2008-06-30 shadow frost wolf: YOU DESTROYED THAT DEFENSLESS WORD!!!!
2008-06-30 ~Spirit Fox~: I told you I was tired!
2008-06-30 shadow frost wolf: OMG i should blog about this! xDDD
18:34:52 ~Spirit Fox~: I'll write a horrible and misspelled review!
2008-07-2 Kurama: I beeet mey misssspellllin1 i's mutch worseess thene yourers! XD
107.They recently invented the breakfast hot pocket, FINALLY. I can’t think of a better way to start the day; Good morning... you’re about to call in sick. Now I can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch, and be DEAD by dinner. (whisper) Dead Pocket.- Jim Gaffigan
108. Every thing here is eatable. I’m eatable But that, my children, is called cannibalism and it is frowned upon in most societies.- Willy Wonka
109. I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.
110. I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand, lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
24. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
115. God said, "Let there be light!"
Chuck Norris said, "Say please."
116. *aimi got it in an email...*
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependen t, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.
This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering
to contact at least
one unstable person to show you care.
117. from misty!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather,It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Questions and answers
1) Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
- Because those men already have boyfriends.
2) Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
- Because breasts don't have eyes.
3) What do attorneys use for birth control?
- Their personalities.
4) What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
- 45 lbs.
5) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
- Through his chest with a sharp knife.
6) How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the "F" word?
-Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell, "BINGO!!!"
7)What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
-A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."
-A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Found by [IonicRose]
121. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
122. Matt's cousin said and i quote "Boy, im gonna open a sex phone line and women are just gonna talk to you all day long!"
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See also: www.elfpack.com/_Questionable%20Jokes
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