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Page name: To See Him Smile [Logged in view] [RSS]
2009-01-05 18:50:14
Last author: Chimes
Owner: Chimes
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To See Him Smile.


<img:stuff/porfodivchimes.jpg>


My fairytale is darker than the one you'd read at bedtime, it does not end at all as it was planned. It does not follow that same river that all fairytales must, I'm sure I will get my happy ending somewhere down the line but, for that, I must wait. This part of my fairytale is different, it is not as idyllic as I might like nor is it exactly how I want it to be but it is pure - in my eyes.


A darkened fairytale with a purity that only it could possess, it is beautiful even if it isn't exactly what I may have wanted in the beginning. I could never ask for anything more, I could never ask for it to change.


***


I have a love, the likes of which I couldn't even dream of before I felt it, but it is not mine. I do not possess the subject of my feelings, I cannot call him my own nor will I ever be able to. I can call him naught but my best friend and that, to me, is enough.


It started out brilliantly, we became close again after over a year of silence and there were feelings that neither of us could control - things happened and feelings grew. There was no stopping it, no matter what happened. It multiplied by the second, for me, at least.


It was my own little piece of heaven, he was my prince. It was perfection in the making but it was never to be completed. Not in that sense. I was never to be his princess. I was merely the faithful familiar at his side - and that is exactly where I shall stay. This is no longer my fairytale.


***


Forever is a very long time. Even the most eternal of beings struggle to perceive it, underestimations are to be expected. None would ever really be able to tell you what forever is without first experiencing it themselves. That's not possible, is it? Once forever is over there can be nothing more, can there? We may never know.


I am trying for forever. I will forever be this, a friend, a helping hand, whatever is needed. I am not one to abandon, not those who I truly care about, not those I love. It is the way I am and always will be, I cannot change that part of myself, nor would I want to.


Here I remain, the way I have always been - aside from the natural changes that often occur in a person's life - like a statue sitting and waiting for something to change her story. Of course, this part needs no changing, there is nothing that I have done that I would not do again - at least, not regarding this.


It'll be alright in the end.


***


There is nothing any being can ask of a fairytale, even those dark and twisted in nature. A fairytale can be nothing but itself. It has a plan for itself and there is no changing it. Though things are not set in the mould of time the fairytale is always determined to get its happy ending.


Sometimes you must ask it to stop. Sometimes the best thing to do is sit it down and lock away the thought of the fairytale, push it into a dark place. You may need it in future; you can pull it from its temporary casket and let it shine its light onto your life.


I have not pushed my fairytale away, I can't. I am simply waiting. It knows that it cannot get ahead of itself; it knows that it is grey but it hopes. It hopes more than anything that it will get brighter, that the colour will return.


It will return, like rain after a drought, and I will be at peace - there is a certain peace that floats around my being but it is not complete, one day it will be. I cannot say when or how but I know that it will happen, I know.


***


I feel pain, I feel sorrow. It hurts me to think about - not as much as it did, the pain has lessened but it is still there. I can cope, I am not one to shove my feelings upon other people - it's not something I enjoy, nor am I comfortable with it. I am not writing this for pity.


Though, my story no longer travels down the route I had hoped I can still give a gift to those I love, it is not a material gift nor is it particularly meaningful but it is a gift nonetheless. The gift I give is happiness. I can only hope for others to be happy and try my hardest to help them on their journey.


My fairytale is darker than the one you'd read at bedtime but I still have things to give. I expect nothing in return, I never could, though I find myself with a wonderful gift - greater than any I could have thought of myself.


Though there is pain, though there is darkness, I have been blessed with something beautiful.


To see him smile is the greatest gift of all.


<img:stuff/porfodivchimes.jpg>

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2009-01-27 [The Scarlet Pumpernickle]: Amen! Wonderfully personal! And so thought provoking, it brings back so many memories..and old dreams.

2009-01-27 [Chimes]: I'm glad you liked it. :]

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