[kristaltia]'s diary

799103  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2006-05-28
Written: (5724 days ago)

A precious loved one told me..."In order for someone to be happy, you need to put yourself aside and walk with your decisions. you need to decide what's best for them, no matter how painful it will be or how long it will cause you to feel suffering, because you will know that the person who was once beside will have fulfilled the goal of a long, and happy life." ...
My grandmother told me this this morning. It was announced by my grandmother at the hospital to the rest of the family that my grandfather...will die tomorrow. He is being kept on a respirator right now..he can't even breathe on his own. I don't like to admit it...but we cheated death for as long as we can, and age finally caught up with him. The doctors told my grandmother that, if he gets better, he will serious health problems..failing heart, damaged kidneys, he won't even be able to eat like most people because he can't swallow. there's a high chance that he'll aspirate again, even on his own SALIVA, causing greater damage and postponing the time when he should've gone in the first place... They told her that we need to put ourselves in his place and ask ourselves if we would want to finish our life like that. I definitely wouldn't. The only time that he remembers is the time right before his critical condition. I wasn't there, but my mom kept telling me that he was saying, "I'm so happy! I've never been this happy." Even in that hospital bed, just seeing our faces was enough for him to feel the ultimate joy he had been trying to accomplish for most of his life,and we were the ones who helped him meet his goal. He has been living a happy life with us. (look at my profile picture. ♥)
The best thing for him, no matter how it hurts, is to take him off the respirator..We had all of today to say our goodyes, and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Even on the way to say my goodbye for a second time, I couldn't handle it. There were other people in ICU, of course, and every time you walk in, you have to see all of them to get to Pampa's room. when I walked in there the first time, I noticed one of the rooms had an empty, made bed and a notice sign, but I hadn't paid much attention to it. My focus was set on Pampa's goodbye, so I passed the sign without thinking a thing. then..My 2nd cousin Leticia had written him a goodbye note(she's 9) and I went with my mom to go hang it up in his room. We were thinking of all the good things in his life with Leti since she wasn't allowed to walk in, when a doctor was pushing a stretcher down the hallway. with...a bodybag sitting on top of it. Immediately, I thought of how my grandfather, MY grandfather, was going to be in one tomorrow..you could even see the features of the face, and I remembered the empty bed..I could remember the person's face. The same exact person who I had seen smiling with her family was now in a body bag..I couldn't handle it. Leti's eyes got wide and she ran back to the waiting room, while I rested on the wall and broke down crying. My mom couldn't breathe, so I recovered quickly and we walked outside.
We started thinking about tomorrow some more..Pampa, if he recovers..(which I know now he won't..) He won't be happy. He won't be able to eat like normal people, LIVE. like most normal people. He'll constantly be going to the hospital for check-ups and bedridden all the time.. So I'm sure now that taking him off life support is the right thing. Nobody wants a life like that. I know that, and I've thought about it an awful lot. Maybe you, should do the same.

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