[og_ghost]'s diary

398666  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-11-02
Written: (5764 days ago)
Next in thread: 398718

Life is a journey
and nobody is ever really alone
so many paths diverging
a moment shared before they go on

Love is a yearning
A desire to become who you really are
all the while learning
and by the end, you'll know how to start

395415  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2004-10-30
Written: (5767 days ago)
Next in thread: 396834

To love is to know
an understanding bond between heart and mind and soul
To love is to live
for a life left without love isn't living
To love is to grow
be so much more than you ever were on your own
To love is to stand
to stand up for your right to stand together
To love is to fight
and destroy anything that comes between you
To love is to die
to die to yourself to fulfil the other

To love is to see
to see beauty and perfection in their faults
To love is to feel
apathy and love don't mix very well
To love is to breathe
the most comforting sound when there's no words left to say
To love is to hope
to not loose sight of tomorrow and its happiness
To love is to hold
to comfort and support and protect from the world
To love is to cry
to open up your souls completely to each other

To love is to be
to become more you than you ever were before
To love is to forgive
to let things go when they don't even matter anymore
To love is to concede
to give up room for them to live without you
To love is to yield
to let things by when it won't hurt
To love is to persist
to never give up no matter how hard things get
To love is to ignore
and pay no attention to unmeant words

To love is to grieve
to stay on through trials and tribulations
To love is to give
to give your everything for their happiness
To love is to recieve
to take care of what they've entrusted you with
To love is to build
to build upon each other to make something great
To love is to complete
to fulfill the other with whatever it takes
To love is to forget
to forget all the mistakes along the way

.....

same upcoming song, different part, and it's two parts sung, so it really does fit, it just overlaps a little.

Jimmy, get me a female.

394503  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2004-10-29
Written: (5768 days ago)

To love
is to know
to live
and to grow
to stand
and to fight
and to die

to love
is to see
to feel
and to breathe
to hold
and to share
and to cry

to love
is to be
forgive
and concede
to yield
and persist
and ignore

to love
is to grieve
to give
and recieve
to build
and complete
and forget

....

upcoming song.

392325  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2004-10-27
Written: (5770 days ago)

Atlas dropped the ball
And I'm your only savior as
The sky starts to fall
And the world plunges into chaos

what are you worth?
How have you spent you life to earn your birth?

I know the monster that I am
And I hate you all
Cause you're no better!

(Just snippets in progress)

387891  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2004-10-22
Written: (5774 days ago)

M.V.F.M

I make music videos. Were i to mention as much to a fellow gamer, I would continue to say that they are in actuality music video fan movies, but it is the unfortunate fate of written words that they have no true control over who reads them. Therefore, allow me to take a moment to clarify matters for those of you less well acquainted with the gaming community and it's various pastimes.
Game trailers are made in the same way as their better-known film counterparts, and they serve much the same purpose. As advertising, they are created to be seen by a potential buyer, and so are readily and freely available for download off the Internet. A music video fan movie is an artistically spliced compilation of game trailer clips set to a selection of music. They are themselves legal, often encouraged, and more importantly, they're damned fun.
To make a music video fan movie, one must first have a commitment to the project, and be willing to devote a certain amount of time toward its completion, a certain amount of patience towards its construction, and a particular creativity towards its creation. Also necessary is a computer, an Internet connection, and hard disk space enough to store the clips you inted to use. Only slightly less mandatory than the motivation and equipment is the inspiration; while its absence is a hurdle, it is not one of Olympian proportions.
Once all the natural prerequisites are taken care of, we can begin to consider what we want to do. At this point, it is very important that we be familiar with our material. After all, how can we know what we can make with what we have if we don't know what we have? Finally, we are free to pick our song. Our choice of song has the capacity top completley alter our final product, so it is vital that we choose a song we really want.
From here, iit's simply a matter of interpretation and timing. The rest is dictated by the intended mood. Still, there are techniques for achieving the desired affect. Let's consider action. We want to portray a sense of movement and energy; therefore, we use short clips that are themselves full of action, energy, and movement. But we must be carfeul. It is very easy to go from the realm of the interesting, intense, and active to the land of confusion, chaos, and dizziness. To avoid this, include slow and graceful scenes as a counterpoint to the quick cuts to give structure, stability, and significance to the action. When quick cuts are desired. try to ensure a continuous camera movement through each passing clip. If the movement changes incessently and without order, it can become painful to watch. In the meantime, the thematic material of the lyrics should also be considered. Patterns and contrasts are useful and give continuity and comprehension to the images. In my case, at least, I feel it important that the images themselves tell a story, and that the story told by the images should parrallel the lyrics in such a way that emphasis is given where emphasis is desired.
Downbeats are your friend. Remember this. Having action on a downbeat emphasizes the action more than anything else does. If we want to further apply importance to a specific part, we can slant the timing towards it; we have the emphasized points of the action that come immediately before arrive slightly off beat, pointing towards the point that will be on beat. Close-ups and long shots are another factor to consider, one giving meaning and significance to a subject, the other taking significance away in lieu of a sense of scale.
Of course, once we've finished everything, there are atwo final steps before we can publish our work. The first is crediting the games from which the clip came. I always title the video the same as the song I use in it, so the song itself is never credited. Since most every game trailer has its title displayed at some point - it is advertising, remember - I will typically use those in quick sequence at the end of the movie in the place of more formal credits. With the exception of my third video, which had an ending perfectly suited for showcasing the immense number of tiltes I gleaned footage from, the credits are usually rolled in silence after the song ends. You may choose to play music along with the credits, but I tend to avoid this method; I feel that it can detract from the residual effect of the movie. Finally, we come to the signature. There is something uniquely satisfying about seeing your name or alias appear at the end of a video. My typical signature has become a fly-in of the word "carmageddonstein", an online alias of mine, which then exhibits an exploding outline effect, which gives a nice bit of umph to the sequence.
Now we go to publish, distribute, and show it off to everyone we know. There is a swell of excitement in you as you send it out and eagerly await a response. Simply put, there is little else like it. And somehow, despite the fact that none of the pictures or sounds are your own, there is still a certain pride found in the video editting. Of course, you can't profit from it, but that's just about your only restriction.

384326  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-10-19
Written: (5778 days ago)

M.V.F.M
I make music videos. Were I to mention as much to a fellow gamer, I would continue to say that they are in actuality music video fan movies, but it is the unfortunate fate of the written word that it have no true control over whose eyes extract them from the page. Therefore, allow to take a moment to clarify matters for those of you less well acquainted with the gaming community and it’s various pastimes.
Game trailers are made in the same way as their better-known film counterparts, and they serve much the same purpose. As advertising, they are created to be seen by a potential buyer, and so are readily and freely available for download off the Internet. A music video fan movie is an artistically spliced compilation of game trailer clips set to a selection of music. They are themselves legal, often encouraged even, and more importantly, it’s damned good fun.
To make a music video fan movie, one must first have a commitment to the project, and be willing to devote a certain amount of time toward it’s completion, a certain amount of patience towards its construction, and a particular creativity towards it’s creation. Also necessary is a computer, an Internet connection, and hard disk space enough to store the clips you intend to use. The absence of any is a major constraint, but they are all strictly monetary hindrances, so we’ll not account for them here. Only slightly less mandatory than the motivation and equipment is the inspiration; it's certainly preferred over any lack thereof, but while its absence is a hurdle, it is not one of Olympian proportions.
Once all the natural prerequisites are happily resolved, we can begin to consider what we want to do. At this point, it is very important that we be familiar with our material. After all, how can we know what we can make with what we have if we don’t know what we have? Finally, we are free to pick our song. Our choice of song has the capacity to completely alter our final product, so it is vital that we choose a song we really want.
From here, it’s simply a matter of interpretation and sheer sense of timing. The rest is dictated by the intended mood. Still, there are techniques for achieving the desired affect. Let’s consider action. We want to portray a sense of movement and energy; therefore we want to use short clips that are themselves full of action, energy, and movement. But we must be careful. It is very easy to go from the realm of the interesting, intense, and active to the land of confusion, chaos, and dizziness. To avoid this, include slow and graceful scenes as a counterpoint to the quick cuts to give structure, stability, and significance to the action. When quick cuts are desired or necessary, try to ensure a continuous camera movement through each passing clip. If the movement changes incessantly and without order, it can become painful to watch. In the meantime, the thematic material of the lyrics should also be considered. Patterns and contrasts are useful and give continuity and comprehension to the images. In my case, at least, I feel it important that the images themselves tell a story, and that the story told by the images should parallel or conflict with the lyrics in such a way that emphasis is given where emphasis is desired.
Downbeats are your friend. Remember this. Having action on a downbeat emphasizes the action more than anything else does. If we want to further apply importance to a specific part, we can slant the timing towards it; we have the emphasized points of the action that come immediately beforehand arrive slightly off beat, pointing towards the point that will be on beat. Close-up’s and far-away’s are another factor to consider, one giving meaning and significance to a subject, the other taking significance away in lieu of a sense of scale.
Of course, once we’ve finished everything, there are two final steps before we can publish our work. The first, one which I refuse to make a video without (despite the fact that there is a notable absence of it in my first… but again, it was my first), is crediting the games from which the clips came. I always title the video the same as the song I use in it, so the song itself is never credited. Since most every game trailer has its title displayed at some point – it is advertising, remember – I will typically use those in quick sequence at the end of the movie in the place of more formal credits. With the exception of my third video, which had an ending perfectly suited for showcasing the immense number of titles I gleaned footage from, the credits are usually rolled in silence after the song ends. I have also seen people use a change in song for the credits, and if the song is well picked, it is reasonably effective. For my own purposes, I try to avoid this method; I feel that it can detract from the residual effect of the music and images, and I want the viewer to linger on what they have just seen for a moment after it stops playing. Finally, we come to the signature. There is something uniquely satisfying about seeing your name or alias appear at the end of a video. My typical signature has become a fly-in of the word “carmageddonstein”, an online alias of mine, which then exhibits an exploding outline effect, which gives a nice bit of umph to the sequence.
Now we go to publish it, now we distribute it, show it off to everyone we know, and become a general nuisance in the online environment from asking every conceivably human entity if they have or want to see the video you just made. There is a swell of excitement in you as you send it to them and eagerly await their response. Simply put, there is little else like it. And somehow, despite the fact that none of the pictures or sounds are your own, there is still a certain pride found in the video editing. Of course, you can’t sell it or anything, but that’s just about your only restriction. So now it’s off with you to find more and better footage and another song. Happy hunting.

384277  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-10-19
Written: (5778 days ago)

I gaze into the smokey mirror
don't recognize the face I see
am I not who I remember?
And is this what's become of me?

384226  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-10-19
Written: (5778 days ago)

So I saw The Ten Commandments sunday. good times.
Except at one point during the first act, when I saw Amy sitting next to me in my peripheral vision, and I turned to tell her something, and when I saw her I just... I had thought she was Nohemi. That really cut me down. More on that later.

383550  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2004-10-18
Written: (5778 days ago)

{Verse 1}
Hey, military lady,
Do you ever miss home?
Do you ever just reflect upon the life you used to know?
Hey, military lady,
You're couragous and strong,
But do the words apply to you or just the mask that you put on?
{Chorus}
You try to hold the world on your shoulders
or like a mother, place it on your hip
but no matter how you try to hold us
one day we will all of us slip
from your fingers and out of your arms
from your safety and back into harm
and you can protect us from the world
but can you save us from destroying it?
{Verse 2}
Hey, military lady,
You're persistent and firm,
but when does being steadfast become too stubborn to learn?
Hey, military lady,
Are you loyal and true?
but is it for hope of your companions or for fear of only you?

{Chorus}
You try to hold the world on your shoulders
or like a mother, place it on your hip
but no matter how you try to hold us
one day we will finally slip
from your fingers and out of your arms
from your safety and back into harm
and you may protect us from the world
but can you save us from destroying it?

{Solo:slow->fast->slow->breakdown:}

Hey,
military lady,
don't try to save us, try to change us
Hey,
military lady,
don't play the game that so pervades us
Hey,
military lady,
don't waste your time, throw away your life
(or: stay away, don't share in our disgrace)
Hey,
miltary lady,
save yourself, you're the only one worth saving now!

Be the best that you can be!
Semper fi! Do or Die!
Why does Uncle Sam want me?
....

382612  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-10-17
Written: (5780 days ago)

This whole time, I've been operating off the basic assumption that once this is all over and done with, she'll come back, she'll be mine again, and everything will return to normal. All the while, part of me knew it couldn't happen. Still, I didn't know how to respond through that, so I let that part of me continue to know it couldn't happen while I told the rest of me that it could.... but now very little of me still believes me. Because most of me knows better. You see, 10 days after she graduates from her job training, she leaves again. She gets deployed. Gauranteed. How's that for normal? Anything could happen then.... anything. And what is there for me to do about it? Nothing.... not a single God forsaken thing. Except to forget her... but that's not an option... not really. I have finally found someone strong enough for me, I have attained the pinnacle... I can't simply forget about her. But now I know why I'm doing the things I'm doing. It's fear. Fear that now that I know that together we are so much more, and that apart we are simply what we are. And I am no longer staisfied by that. So I am afraid of losing all that has been earned here.
And I am afraid that if I ever stop remembering her, I'll forget her. And if I forget her, she's lost forever. I can never find her again. I can never find that love again. I can never achieve myself to the fullness I know I can when she is here to support me and fulfill me.
Dammit, Nohemi, I love you. I want to be your Calix, because I want to be the man you drive me to be... I want to be good enough for you... and I want to have you someday. So my only choice now is to wait for you. And while I can't promise I won't try to replace you, to temporarily fill that position, I know that the seat by my heart is reserved for you.

382605  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-10-17
Written: (5780 days ago)

Hey, military lady
do you ever miss home?
do you ever just reflect upon
the life you used to know?

Hey, military lady
you're courageous and strong
but do the words apply to you
or just the mask that you put on?

Hey, military lady
You're persistent and firm
but at what point does steadfast
become to stubborn to learn?

Hey, military lady
are you loyal and true?
And is it for hope of gain
or for far of what you might lose?

Hey, military lady; leave you mark on hist'ry
military lady, do your country proud
hey military lady; follow orders, do your duty
(line not finished yet)

381148  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2004-10-15
Written: (5781 days ago)

M.V.F.M

I make music videos. Were I to mention as much to a fellow gamer, I would continue to say that they are in actuality music video fan movies, but it is the unfortunate fate of the written word that it have no true control over whose eyes extract them from the page. Therefore, allow to take a moment to clarify matters for those of you less well acquainted with the gaming community and it’s various pastimes.
Game trailers are made roughly the same way as their better-known film counterparts, and they serve much the same purpose. The chief goal is to advertise a product, and since a games appeal is closely linked to game play, story, characters, and technology, so the aim of a game trailer is to highlight these points. As advertising, it is created to be seen by a potential buyer, and so it is readily and freely available for download off the Internet. A music video fan movie is an artistically spliced compilation of game trailer clips set to a selection of music. They are themselves legal, often encouraged even, and more importantly, it’s damned good fun.
To make a music video fan movie, one must first have a commitment to the project, and be willing to devote a certain amount of time toward it’s completion, a certain amount of patience towards its construction, and a particularly creativity towards it’s creation. Also necessary is a computer, an Internet connection, and hard disk space enough to store the clips you intend to use. The absence of any is a major constraint, but since they are all strictly monetary hindrances, we’ll not account for them here. Only slightly less mandatory than the motivation and equipment is the inspiration. Inspiration is certainly preferred over any lack thereof, but while its absence is a hurdle, it is not one of Olympian proportions.
Once all the natural prerequisites are happily resolved and accounted for, we can begin to consider what we want to do. At this point, it is very important that we be very familiar with our material. After all, how can we know what we can make with what we have if we don’t know what we have? When finally we do know what all we have, we are free to pick our song, another significant factor. Our choice of song has the capacity to completely alter our final product, so it is vital that we choose a song we really want.
From here, it’s simply a matter of interpretation and sheer sense of timing. The rest is dictated by the intended mood. Still, there are techniques for achieving the desired affect. Let’s consider action. We want to portray a sense of movement and energy. We would therefore want to us short clips that are themselves full of action, energy, and movement. Fading to and from white makes for good transitions, implying activity behind the curtain of white better than a curtain of black could. Alternating scenes of light and dark (more in terms of color than in contrast) create a sense of movement – think of driving in a tunnel at night, the car around you brightens now, then darkens, then brightens again as the lights pass by above you. Here, one must tread cautiously. It is very easy to go from the realm of the interesting, intense, and active to the land of confusion, chaos, and dizziness. To avoid this, include occasional slow and graceful scenes as a counterpoint to the quick cuts to give structure, stability, and significance to the action. When quick cuts are desired or necessary, try to make sure that camera movement remains continuous with each passing clip. If the movement changes incessantly and without order, it can be painful to watch. In the meantime, the thematic material of the lyrics should also be considered. Patterns and contrasts are useful and give continuity and comprehension to the images. In my case, at least, I feel it important that the images themselves tell a story, and that the story told by the images should parallel or conflict with the lyrics in such a way that emphasis is given where emphasis is desired.
Downbeats are your friend. Remember this. Having action on a downbeat emphasizes the action more than just about anything else does. If we want to further apply importance to a specific part, we can slant the timing towards it. To do this, we have the emphasized points of the action that comes immediately beforehand arrive slightly off beat, pointing towards the point that will be on beat. Close-up’s and far-away’s are another factor to consider, one giving meaning and significance to a subject, the other taking significance away in lieu of a sense of scale.
Of course, once we’ve finished, everything, there are two final steps before we can publish our work. The first, one which I refuse to make a video without (despite the fact that there is a notable absence of it in my first… but again, it was my first) crediting the games from which the images came. I always title the video the same as the song I use in it, so the song itself is never credited. Since most every game trailer has its title displayed at some point – it is advertising, remember – I will typically use those in quick sequence at the end of the movie in the place of more formal credits. With the exception of my third video, which had an ending perfectly suited for showcasing the immense number of titles I gleaned footage from, the credits are usually rolled in silence after the song ends. I have also seen people use a change in song for the credits, and if the song is well picked, it is reasonably effective. For my own purposes, I try to avoid this method; I feel that it can detract from the residual effect of the music and images, and I want the viewer to linger on what they have just seen for a moment after it stops playing. Finally, we come to the signature. There is something uniquely satisfying about seeing your name or alias appear at the end of a video, particularly if it is a video you enjoy. My typical signature has become a fly in of the word “carmageddonstein”, an online alias of mine, which then exhibits an exploding outline effect, which gives a nice bit of umph to the sequence.
Now we go to publish it, now we distribute it, show it off to everyone we know, and become a general nuisance in the online environment from asking every conceivably human entity if they have or want to see the video you just made. There is a swell of excitement in you as you send it to them and eagerly await their response. Simply put, there is little else like it. And somehow, despite the fact that none of the pictures or sounds are your own, there is still a certain pride found in video editing. Of course, you can’t sell it or anything, but that’s just about your only restriction. So now it’s off with you to find more and better footage and another song. Happy hunting.

380186  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-10-14
Written: (5782 days ago)

though, I must admit, it sucks meantime.

380178  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-10-14
Written: (5782 days ago)

I have a mission. I'm gonna find it, dammit.

378294  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-10-12
Written: (5784 days ago)

Happiness, ever so elusive
laughing at the pain that I still live
but could it ever change?
Or am I stuck the same?

But then where am I now?
Who have I become these past three months?
Of what use am I?
What have I done to deserve her love?

A little bit closer now
But farther would be easier
Because now she's real again
And my life is what I mean to her

And if she came to me at this very moment
What would she see, and what would she think?
Would I like the reflection of me in her eyes?
Would I still be the man she deserves me to be?

I fear that in this time while she's away
She may grow up, mature with change
And all I've ever really had to give to her
was what little wisdom I could gather
So if she's grown, what good am I to her?
How, then, could I keep her?

But deep inside, I know love is not so fickle
And yet my mind refuses to accept the truth
So who am I? Is this who I've become?
I'm I so very weak I cannot face myself?

But only time can ever answer
the many questions that I still have
so only patience can be my savior
and I must stand alone until she comes....

377192  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2004-10-11
Written: (5785 days ago)

I don't really know how to respond. For some time now, I've had this empty, nagging desire, a sort of desperate longing, and I've felt it with a frustration of not being able to fix it. I have had much more time to miss her than she has had to miss me, so in that regard I am far more weathered than she. But she's had hell for the past 9 weeks. Hell that kept her from missing me. But I can't really explain how glad I am that she didn't miss me... I never want to be a burden on her, not even in that. She is very important to me. I want my existence to be a source of nothing but happiness for her, and if I can't manage that, I should at least not be a source of grief. Or whatever. I have been varying in my condition ever since she left, starting at absolutely horrid for the first week and a half to depressingly reflective for another week or so, to distracted for like 2 weeks - though, even during times of distraction, she has never left my mind; pushed to my subconscious, to the back of my thoughts, yes, but never gone - to an intense emptiness from her loss for at least a day and a half, to the point that I broke down, to the rejuvination of her first phone call, to the crisis that came on saturday, to the rejuvination of yesterday. Every time I talk to her, I feel refreshed. I can take on the world again.
But when I talked to her on thursday, my standards for myself were raised: I had a refreshing view of myself in her. She is the reason I want to be a better person, and while she was gone - in all forms, not just physically - I continued on that quest. But over time, I began to forget where the base of my ambitions lay. So my standards gradually fell to what I saw around me to improve. But I have seen my goals again, and I have retrieved them from her.
And then on Saturday, confident that my renewing talk with her had bolstered me against the universe, I went to Romero's. And I almost broke again. Or perhaps I did break. At first I was confused. Had I been wrong in what I thought I saw in myself? Had I misinterpreted me? Had I forgotten who I was? But my answer did not come so meanly. For the fact is, I had misjudged my enemy, not misunderstood my allies. I am bolstered by her against the universe, yes, but that is the hydrostatic support (be proud, Romero.) pushing out as the universe and gravity pulls me down. I had forgotten that forces come from both sides. I am my enemy. So when I fell, when I stumbled on saturday with the frustration and confusion, I made a resolution. I stuck my feet into the ground and stood up, determined to not be defeated. I even said "I will NOT BE DEFEATED. Not even by my own failure." And this is what saved me. I saw in time that I defended the wrong side, and I have redeemed myself for that. Now the world stands no chance, for I have achieved victory over myself. Try to stop me now.
So I have defeated one enemy, but the others hold strong against me. The desperate longing has turned into simply the feeling that I miss her. That I wish she were here. But it is bearable now. Save for one thing. Sorrow. Bad Religion. Saturday morning, that song played on the radio. It hasn't left my head since. And with it, her memory. It's like she's been placed perpetually in front of my eyes, and I can't get beyond her. So I've asked to borrow some of my friends' Bad Religion cd's... me at my most masochistic. Because I need to do this. I'll never get past it if I don't. And as usual, failure is not an option for me.
So I was talking with Amy on Saturday. It had occured to me just how hard I push myself. I probably won't live long a the rate I'm going. But at what point does my unyielding approach to life cease to be strength and start to be folly? When do I reach the point that I am set on the path of selfdestruction? And, most importantly, when I reach it, will I know it? And will I care? No. I won't. I see the greatness inside me that needs to be given out, and I must unleash it's beauty upon the world, even if it means my own destruction. Because I can't think of any worse fate than to not achieve this. Even though I know that on the path I travel now, I will never be content, never be truly happy with who I am or what I've done, how much worse is it to not? If I don't, the greatness may never be achieved. It will stay inside me and rot. Or worse.... it may leave me for my incompetence. I could not bear such a failure. So that is not an option for me.
Nohemi, I love you. I love you no matter how you've changed, because I realize that your nuances are not why I love you, though admittedly, I do love them as well. I love you because I am so much more me with you. That is what love is, and no matter what you become from here, that can't ever change. But I maintain my conviction to not need you. The only reason your absence has wrought so much grief and pain upon my life is that I have hope that you'll come back, so I have kept you, sacredly, piously, in my life. I want you back. I know that I must wait, and I am in no hurry to rush things, especially if it could mean any detriment to us. But you should know this: I've never seen a better me than yours.
I told you once that Love means to know. But there is more to it than that. Love is a fulfillment. And while "to know" includes, that, it does not sufficiently define it. The two must go hand in hand with each other, but one can stand strong whilst the other wavers. And while I do not know you nearly as well as I'd like (and intend to know you, eventually), I love you because I see that your existence is still a fulfillment of who I am. A realization of my potential. You are important to me, and I never want to let go of you. When last you called, I debated with myself whether or not I should tell you I love you. I have decided that is your choice. Because your absence is not meaningless. I no longer understand the true nature of my love for you. But I know that I love you. Nohemi C. Hernandez, I love you.
arishitamasu
Calix

362964  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-09-26
Written: (5801 days ago)
Next in thread: 363616

so yeah, today was weird. First, I go to bed around, I dunno, 2:00, and wake up around 6:00. I leave. I'm at school at 6:35. Good times. Anyway, we go to icebreaker, and we have an ok time. We get there, and we are the only people dressed at all informally. everybody else is in suits and dresses and crap, excpet for us. fun times, eh? Anyway, first competition was good times. Round 1 was a weird skit thing, and we did ok, i suppose. We ranked ourselves fourth of 6, not because we did badly, but because the others did so damned well. We did a skit about a patient getting work done on a cavity, and discovering that his dentist never went to college. I was the dentist. fun times. anyway, we did ok. the best one that time was the girl who found an ex-boyfriend hiding in her bushes. that was pretty entertaining.
On to the second round. It was SPAR debate, and we did awesomely. Fire vs Ice, we got fire, and we did well. Unfortunately, the team opposite us was pretty awesome, too. But I felt we made the stronger arguements, so I put us first and them second (they were really good, and won 14th place in the entire tournament... good times)
on to the third round.
We did awesomely. just awesomely. It was time for Radio Interview, where you basically interview somebody like you're on the radio. I interviewed (NPR style) Adam, who didn't believe it possible to get to the moon. hilarity ensued. Hilarity aplenty. More on that later.
So on to the fourth round. Character Debate. Only one group seemed to have any idea of what they were doing, and they didn't do characters very well. But they did make it into finals. Good job, guys (as if they'll ever see this).
We did pretty badly. But so did everybody else. Honestly, this would have sucked if any body had still cared to be formal. Fortunately, nobody did.
So then we go outside. More on that later, too.
Then we go to the awards. Don't feel like talking about it at the moment (2 of them were awesome, though), so I'll get back on that later, as well.
Finally, we go back home, my team scored 8th from our school (read: not good), and Ms Ulivi takes Jorge and yours truly to Romero's house.
So, we get there, everythings cool, great, wonderful, happy, we've had fun, it's been a good time had by all. But we have 10 minutes to study 4 pages for a test. 4 pages. 10 minutes. Not happening. So Jorge and I went out front and studied, and then when they came back out we had the first two pages down, man. (had I taken the test with that knowledge, I'd have gotten 58 points. pretty good, actually. The first 36 questions, completely correct.) Pwned. Anyway. The other group gets finished, and we all go to Astroburger. I bring my decathalon pages because I know I still need to study for the test we'll take when we get back on the half we HADN'T gotten to yet. So everything is fine and dandy on the walk to Astroburger, and I'm impressed with Amy for having made that walk so well. We get there, everything is still cool. We order, I'm still completely happy, just focused on the paper. Then I go sit down. It hits.
I couldn't memorize what I was reading, and I didn't understand it well enough to make do without. And because of that, I couldn't remember what I was reading. So, as I sat there waiting for the food to come, I read my Decathalon paper. Studying it now, rather than just going over it. I can't remember a thing. Not a single fucking thing. I keep trying. Nothing. We've been there 10 minutes, I still can't get the fucking first paragraph down. It wouldn't stick at all. AT ALL. Usually, even when I say it isn't sticking, it is actually sticking to some extent; simply not to the point where it's particularly useful or comforting. But it did not stick at all.
That was it. Here I am, sitting in the diner, feeling bad for some reason because I'm sitting alone (even though I did that on purpose so I could study....) and I hear everybody around me enjoying themselves, I suppose, and I'm working my ass off trying to learn this damned paper and nothing is fucking sticking!!!! The stress finally got to me. I broke. I just fucking broke. There I am, struggling to not cry (THAT'S how fucking frustrated I was!), struggling just as hard to learn it, trying to make it not so obvious that I just drove my life into the side of a fucking cliff, trying to calm down meanwhile, without losing any time. At this point, I feel like a fucking failure. That's the one thing that I can't handle. Failure. Getting beaten? Sure, no problem. Getting bested? Hey, they earned it. They were just better, we still did ours. But failing? Unnacceptable. Un-fucking-acceptable.
And I broke. Romero noticed, too. I had taken out my quarter to try to ease it, try to get my mind elsewhere, off of the page, but it kept going back, kept failing, kept making it worse and worse. She asked what was wrong, and I couldn't answer. We went outside. I couldn't talk. I was hyper-ventellating. I couldn't get fucking control! Which frustrated me and sent me further into the problem. Panic. Frustration. Anger. I was an unhappy panda, let me tell you. So mrs romero walked me back to her house early and made me some tea (honestly, the walk helped infinitely more than the tea did), and explained to me the thing I couldn't understand. I decided to stick it out for the test, and I suppose I'm glad I did. I know I'd have hated myself if I hadn't.
But I still hate myself. I'm stronger than this. I'm fucking stronger than this. And if I'm not stronger than this, then I need to get stronger than this. Because this shit isn't just going to go away and then that will be it. No, that is not even remotely

357026  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2004-09-20
Written: (5806 days ago)

So, here I am. I'm awake. It's 5 AM, and my second day without sleep. I've just finished my newest music video, which I play on the computer full screen for the first time, and I enjoy it, even though I've been working on it for so long, so there aren't really any surprises for me, especially since the clips I used came from the many, many games I play, though the clips themselves were downloaded from the internet. I'm happy with it, and the feeling I get from its completion is well worth any sleep I may have sacrificed for it. But there is school today, and if I sleep now, I'll not wake up when I need to; sleep loses this round, too.
Before I go on, allow me to clear up a few things: no, I am not nocturnal, as that requires actually sleeping during the day; no, I am no insomniac, as I am fully capable of sleeping, I simply don't; no, that doesn't affect me much, as I have been blessed with what is whimsically listed as a "crippling disease" on the application form for the SAT's: Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, or ADHD, which allows me to operate quite happily long after a person not so fortuitously crippled has collapsed from exhaustion. It means that I can get away with not sleeping without suffering any negative consequences, with the exception of the occasional hallucination, which, by the way, aren't nearly as bad as their reputation would dress them up to be - they tend to be very artistically inspiring.
This isn't a rare scenario for me. Quite the contrary, it has progressed to the point that I actually hate sleeping; I dislike the idea of losing 8 hours of my life every single day to nothingness. I am a very creative person, so there is a lot I want to do with those 8 hours, none of which involves sleep. I also have developed a strange need for accomplishment. There's something in me that refuses to allow me to leave anything undone, as if I have something great in me that I am obliged to give to the world, and nothing is going to stop me from giving it, or that no power can keep between me and what I can - no, must - create.
But it seems as though I am a peculiar case, as there are not many people I know who do nearly as much as I do. My days are filled well past the point of overflow, and yet I continue to live them in the same vein as always. I am out of my house for 15 hours every day for the sake of school and it's associated activities. This leaves 8 hours for the rest of my life, and teenagers are advised to get 9 1/2 hours of sleep every day. But there simply are not enough hours in the day, so it matters what I do with the time that I have.
Beethoven, renowned as one of the greatest composers of all time, once rejected suicide for the sake of art. He was not content to leave this world without having had his full say. I am no different, and while I've never really contemplated suicide, I could no more live without my art than he could. Every moment of my life is lived for the sole purpose of doing what I need to do, which is anything and everything that I can. Nothing is lost, because nothing is taken for granted, every victory is savored for what it is, and nothing is left to regret (as if there would be time to regret anything anyway).
Some would say that I am unhealthy because of how little I sleep, but I would much rather live my life at the cost of health than be healthy in life at the cost of living it. Besides, time on Earth is fleeting at best, and there is precious little time to waste. But in the end, sleep is not the issue. The real question is, why are you awake?

354465  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2004-09-17
Written: (5809 days ago)

Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage Frustration ++



if (Black Mage Frustration >=10) Black Mage Response Chooser +=2;
if (Black Mage Frustration <10) Black Mage Response Chooser +=1;
if (Black Mage Will To Live >=3) Black Mage Response Chooser +=1;
if (Black Mage Will To Live <3) Black Mage Response Chooser +=3;
if (Black Mage Response Chooser = 2)
   Black Mage: Just... no.
if (Black Mage Response Chooser = 3)
   Black Mage: God, I hate you.
if (Black Mage Response Chooser = 4)
   Black Mage: It hurts too much.
if (Black Mage Response Chooser = 5)
   Black Mage: Kill me now.


Black Mage Frustration = 10
Black Mage Will To Live = 3
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: God, I hate you.
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: God, I hate you.


Black Mage Frustration = 10
Black Mage Will To Live = 2
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: It hurts too much.
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: It hurts too much.


Black Mage Frustration = 8
Black Mage Will To Live = 3
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: Just... no.
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: God, I hate you.


Black Mage Frustration = 8
Black Mage Will To Live = 2
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: Kill me now.
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: It hurts too much.
 The logged in version 

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