[Balthizar]'s diary

1143201  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2011-10-18
Written: (3187 days ago)

I feel like shit, but whatever.

1143087  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-10-15
Written: (3190 days ago)

I'll just pent up all this BS eh? Sounds about right. -sagneod-
OFF TO HAVE GREAT DAY.

1143038  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2011-10-13
Written: (3192 days ago)

-I sometimes wonder how stupid people think I am.

1142918  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2011-10-11
Written: (3195 days ago)

-Honestly? Being truly honest here.
-I hate two people in my life.
-One did something horrible.
-The other did as well. They just don't know it.

1142849  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2011-10-09
Written: (3196 days ago)

-So many good movies coming out this month. DAMN IT ALL! : \

1142712  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2011-10-06
Written: (3199 days ago)

-Would just like to hear, that I---Bah. Not even going too.
-Why? Because it still wouldnthappen.

1142589  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-10-05
Written: (3201 days ago)

-Why do I keep trying? Why do...-sighs- It doesnt matter. None of it really matters. It never does. Never gonna be good enough.

1142479  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2011-10-02
Written: (3204 days ago)

-Play in the clouds while the angels fall down. Sing to the rapture as the devil makes his rounds. The swine has the answers, if only he had a tongue. The Jackel Man does come, with a Gentlemen at his heels. Murder is the liquid both cherry and vile. Sex is the toy that does break the prison. Glance all around you are living in a box. That there is the truth of it all, the sinner does mate with the saint. Confense to the hog he does know best. Sing with the Goose, who is wearing the dress. Judge all ye who do not understand, condemn the man who does die for you. Pardons abound, freedom is a joke. Playtime is done, when the Angels deserve to die.

1142453  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-10-01
Written: (3205 days ago)
1142452  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-10-01
Written: (3205 days ago)

-Can I just state I'm going insane? I think that covers it. I mean, sure there are other things going on.
-Emotionally self destructive.
-Trying to drown myself in work and hours ( I"VE GOT 54 THIS WEEK! 6 shy of 60. :D )
-Not sleeping. Lots of nightmares. ( The ones I used to get. Only one person knows about these ones.)
-Stabbing pain in my right chest is back. Evidently a co worker of mine gets it. Some weird...thing that is just painfull, not deadly. I'll look into this later when I have health insurance (100+ dollars for a doc visit, and then more for some specialist to tell me " All good bro?" No thanks.)
-Yeah. Going insane. May just you know, drop off the face of hte internet. Thinking about it. Maybe I wont. I odn't know .If I did,t he cell would go too. We'll see. Always a nagging thought in the back of my head. I'd be missed, but not really. Easily gotten over. I can't imagine anyone would really miss me for very long. No one needs me. :)
-YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH. Hey. Power is back. Meaning no Gennie in the back, meaning no annoying noise to kepe me up. Oorah.
-SO ITS TIME FOR BED. GOOD NIGHT LOVE YOU TALLY-HO!

1142369  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2011-09-29
Written: (3207 days ago)

-Going to bed. I feel like shit. Feel less then shit actually. Night.

1142291  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-09-28
Written: (3208 days ago)

feel as though I'm a failure.
A failure as a son, as a boyfriend, and as a best friend.
I feel as though nothing I do is good enough.
That being who I am is why I'll never have anyone, that I'll always just be a friend, to everyone.
That at some point you'll feel the same. That we're better as friends. Like everyone else has.
I hate myself, because no matter how hard I try. No matter how nice, or kind, or caring I am.
It will never been enough. I will never be good enough. For anyone. My parents, my best friend, for you, my ex, for anyone.
And it kills me, because my constant desire to improve is ripping me apart.

That is why I hate myself.


Well. Thats why. People asked. I figured I would just let everyone know. -sagenod- Now, off to lay in bed.

1142288  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-09-28
Written: (3208 days ago)

-What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong...why was I not good enough? Why..am i never good enough?

-I try to be the best. The best son, the best friend,t he best boyfriend.

-It's never enough for any of those. I'm always left, always forgotten. Never good enough.

-Am I trying to hard? Or am I not doing enough? Damn it all.

1142282  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-09-28
Written: (3208 days ago)

-I feel defeated, and questioning everything. Fun times.

1142230  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2011-09-27
Written: (3209 days ago)

-Going to bed. Wont sleep, but I'm going to bed. Toodles.

1142227  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2011-09-27
Written: (3209 days ago)

-Blah. My seld doubts are eating me.

1142203  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2011-09-26
Written: (3209 days ago)

-I feel useless 90% of the time.
-I feel used 90% of the time.
-I doubt and question the reasons, and motives of everyone who hs claimed to of loved me.
-I wonder why, and if it were true or is true. Why? Because most of the time it turns out they don't. Or didnt. Or i dont know.kigahkljlkjadsfkljshadf sadkjfbskdlafasdklj hhfdsjlk

-I hate being the nice guy. The just good enough to be friends guy. I hate that I'm always there for people. Why?
-Because then I'm never good enough to be mroe then just that stupid fat fuck of a best friend. Always that. Never more.


-I want a Tri-force tat on my back. Its either going to have a one up life from Mario on each peice, or it will have Link, Zelda, and Gannondorfs gauntlets reaching up for it. We'll see.

1142198  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2011-09-26
Written: (3209 days ago)

-Could use a best friend. Badly.

1142176  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2011-09-26
Written: (3210 days ago)

-Theres a reason I bottle.
-That reason? Is my own to keep.

1142128  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-09-24
Written: (3211 days ago)

-Going to bed. Working 13+ hours tomorrow and I'm depressed as hell.
-Thank youf or asking.

1142094  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-09-24
Written: (3212 days ago)

-Life is interesting.
-So are promises.
-Promises however, are more dangerous then life.
-You see, I'm not good with them. Their a test of our will. I've got very little of that.
-I may be the super nice guy who can be friends with anyone, and often times people prefer to just be friends then anything else.
-But..I've got no will. Me and promises don't mix well. Specially the ones that get tempting to break.
-I'm going to drown myself in hours. Drown myself in my work. Push it all down into a small little ball, where it will remain untill I die.
-Why? Because its easier for me to do that, then to talk it all out. More hours. More. 50 this week. My goal is 60 a week. If that means I have to sacrifice my one day off a week, to get peace of mind, I'll do it. 60 a week. 120 every two weeks. 240 for the month.
-I just may be insane, and on a spiral of self-destruction, but atleast I'll dillute myself into being happy.

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