[Balthizar]'s diary

1143347  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-10-22
Written: (3177 days ago)

-Fucking exhausted.

-Got home at 2 am last night, 3 am the night before.

-Work is kicking my ass. I've got work 10-8 today.

-I'm ehxuasted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can't keep going on like this. Feels like i'm either dieing or dead half the time.

=Now time to go force a smile and energy for the sake of customer service. Fun.

1143201  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2011-10-18
Written: (3181 days ago)

I feel like shit, but whatever.

1143087  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-10-15
Written: (3184 days ago)

I'll just pent up all this BS eh? Sounds about right. -sagneod-
OFF TO HAVE GREAT DAY.

1143038  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2011-10-13
Written: (3186 days ago)

-I sometimes wonder how stupid people think I am.

1142918  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2011-10-11
Written: (3188 days ago)

-Honestly? Being truly honest here.
-I hate two people in my life.
-One did something horrible.
-The other did as well. They just don't know it.

1142849  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2011-10-09
Written: (3190 days ago)

-So many good movies coming out this month. DAMN IT ALL! : \

1142712  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2011-10-06
Written: (3193 days ago)

-Would just like to hear, that I---Bah. Not even going too.
-Why? Because it still wouldnthappen.

1142589  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-10-05
Written: (3194 days ago)

-Why do I keep trying? Why do...-sighs- It doesnt matter. None of it really matters. It never does. Never gonna be good enough.

1142479  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2011-10-02
Written: (3197 days ago)

-Play in the clouds while the angels fall down. Sing to the rapture as the devil makes his rounds. The swine has the answers, if only he had a tongue. The Jackel Man does come, with a Gentlemen at his heels. Murder is the liquid both cherry and vile. Sex is the toy that does break the prison. Glance all around you are living in a box. That there is the truth of it all, the sinner does mate with the saint. Confense to the hog he does know best. Sing with the Goose, who is wearing the dress. Judge all ye who do not understand, condemn the man who does die for you. Pardons abound, freedom is a joke. Playtime is done, when the Angels deserve to die.

1142453  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-10-01
Written: (3198 days ago)
1142452  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-10-01
Written: (3198 days ago)

-Can I just state I'm going insane? I think that covers it. I mean, sure there are other things going on.
-Emotionally self destructive.
-Trying to drown myself in work and hours ( I"VE GOT 54 THIS WEEK! 6 shy of 60. :D )
-Not sleeping. Lots of nightmares. ( The ones I used to get. Only one person knows about these ones.)
-Stabbing pain in my right chest is back. Evidently a co worker of mine gets it. Some weird...thing that is just painfull, not deadly. I'll look into this later when I have health insurance (100+ dollars for a doc visit, and then more for some specialist to tell me " All good bro?" No thanks.)
-Yeah. Going insane. May just you know, drop off the face of hte internet. Thinking about it. Maybe I wont. I odn't know .If I did,t he cell would go too. We'll see. Always a nagging thought in the back of my head. I'd be missed, but not really. Easily gotten over. I can't imagine anyone would really miss me for very long. No one needs me. :)
-YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH. Hey. Power is back. Meaning no Gennie in the back, meaning no annoying noise to kepe me up. Oorah.
-SO ITS TIME FOR BED. GOOD NIGHT LOVE YOU TALLY-HO!

1142369  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2011-09-29
Written: (3200 days ago)

-Going to bed. I feel like shit. Feel less then shit actually. Night.

1142291  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-09-28
Written: (3201 days ago)

feel as though I'm a failure.
A failure as a son, as a boyfriend, and as a best friend.
I feel as though nothing I do is good enough.
That being who I am is why I'll never have anyone, that I'll always just be a friend, to everyone.
That at some point you'll feel the same. That we're better as friends. Like everyone else has.
I hate myself, because no matter how hard I try. No matter how nice, or kind, or caring I am.
It will never been enough. I will never be good enough. For anyone. My parents, my best friend, for you, my ex, for anyone.
And it kills me, because my constant desire to improve is ripping me apart.

That is why I hate myself.


Well. Thats why. People asked. I figured I would just let everyone know. -sagenod- Now, off to lay in bed.

1142288  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-09-28
Written: (3201 days ago)

-What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong...why was I not good enough? Why..am i never good enough?

-I try to be the best. The best son, the best friend,t he best boyfriend.

-It's never enough for any of those. I'm always left, always forgotten. Never good enough.

-Am I trying to hard? Or am I not doing enough? Damn it all.

1142282  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-09-28
Written: (3201 days ago)

-I feel defeated, and questioning everything. Fun times.

1142230  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2011-09-27
Written: (3202 days ago)

-Going to bed. Wont sleep, but I'm going to bed. Toodles.

1142227  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2011-09-27
Written: (3202 days ago)

-Blah. My seld doubts are eating me.

1142203  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2011-09-26
Written: (3203 days ago)

-I feel useless 90% of the time.
-I feel used 90% of the time.
-I doubt and question the reasons, and motives of everyone who hs claimed to of loved me.
-I wonder why, and if it were true or is true. Why? Because most of the time it turns out they don't. Or didnt. Or i dont know.kigahkljlkjadsfkljshadf sadkjfbskdlafasdklj hhfdsjlk

-I hate being the nice guy. The just good enough to be friends guy. I hate that I'm always there for people. Why?
-Because then I'm never good enough to be mroe then just that stupid fat fuck of a best friend. Always that. Never more.


-I want a Tri-force tat on my back. Its either going to have a one up life from Mario on each peice, or it will have Link, Zelda, and Gannondorfs gauntlets reaching up for it. We'll see.

1142198  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2011-09-26
Written: (3203 days ago)

-Could use a best friend. Badly.

1142176  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2011-09-26
Written: (3203 days ago)

-Theres a reason I bottle.
-That reason? Is my own to keep.

1142128  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-09-24
Written: (3205 days ago)

-Going to bed. Working 13+ hours tomorrow and I'm depressed as hell.
-Thank youf or asking.

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