Passed out for the first time yesterday. At least twice, I think maybe three times. I had a bad fever, and was stupid enough to take a hot shower. Not making that mistake again.
I learned something today. If you loose something, you cannot PLAN on finding it.
So I put a link to my Fur Affinity account on my page, if anyone didn't notice. LOooOOoooOooOo
I can do it myself. Why does she have to try to help me? I'm trying to make a point. I'm trying to prove myself. Maybe to myself, but still...trying to prove a point. Trying to make people see that I'm for real, that I'm not a bunch of bragging and hot air. I know what i'm doing. I can do it myself. I NEED to do it myself.
I watched the Exorcist. T_T Not scary. I think my own experiences with posession make it...stupid and really highly...er...
I've been using mom's shower so I don't have to wash away his footprints...
But grandma's coming over, so tonight I'll watch them disappear down the drain.
You know, I don't think that people realize that for every really great piece (of artwork) there's seven really horrible ones, eight alright ones, and about ten that fall in between those two. I think its really hard to get to a poit where you shell out great stuff every time.
I've been...pissy lately. Really really pissy. What happened to sweet, peaceful, kind Eerielle? Hmm? What happened to that? I'm sort of disappointed with myself. Any suggestions?
I got a Fur Affinity account. ^^ It's a-pretty-prett
Hand and Hand with Death
And softly whisper gentle feet
Around my ready bed
My bags are packed, my cloak is pulled
And I, my cheeks and lips still red
He comes around and pulls the sheets
From my woken form
And with smiles, gently greets
My skin still flushed and warm
He takes my hand,
My fingers kissed, by cold and pale lips
Lose their warmth, but cloak and cloth
Keep me snug as nightlight dips
And hand in hand we walk together
From my room into the night
Fearing no wind ‘nor the weather
He wraps around me, holds me tight
Down a path I’ve never seen
To a singing, golden place
Life is gone, and death the sheen
That gold-warm fills my joyous face
The girl I left back in the bed
Naked now, and cold
Will be mourned, though, in my ‘stead
As Death and I walk together, bold
I feel silly, and stupid, and awakward. *laughs* But i'm really happy about it. He just sort of...walked up to me. I'd been watching him all night. *smiles* He was really cute. The slow dance started and I was sitting there...like a fairytale he just came up to me and extended his hand. "Do you want to dance?"
"...S-sure." And we did. My hands were in the wrong places, and i was afraid to call attention to it by changing them. My feet hit his a few times, and all my answers to his questions were delayed. It took me a few minutes to realize that i should answer back, or ask a question.. *laughs* He asked me my name, and it took me like...thirty seconds to ask him his. *laughs* I was so flustered. It was so awesome. I was blushing and looking down most of the time.
He was older than me, I think. He smelled very very faintly like cigarette smoke. I liked it. He was really handsome. After the dance was over, our hands sort of...awkwardly detangled, and he offered to buy me a drink. *laughs* I said NO. Gods, I should have said yes. But then I wondered if he was 21...*smiles* I dont' care.
I stayed for one more dance. "Sweet Home Alabama" and then I left. Mom was really excited for me, but i was so embarassed I had to get out of there. I dont know if I could have looked at him straight again. He was so cute. *smiles broadly and tries not to cry from joy* Stuff like this doesn't happen to me.
She's my mother. Not from this life, but from another. I dont know if i can make myself love her. I'm scared of her. She's so malicious. So mean. She enjoys the torture, and enjoys his screams....But she cares about me. The only person who's ever told me they were proud.
*sighs* I should start this again, too. But what should I say? That i'm lonely without my old friends? That i feel sick because i've missed so much? That i want you all to still love me, but I dont honestly expect it...*sighs* And my Mark-chan's been gone in stupid Hawaii for a few weeks and wont be back for a whole 9 more days. >< I dont know if i can wait for Emmi that long, it's driving me up the wall. I cry every time Mark starts me into talking about him, or i think about him or anything. Ugh. And to top it all off Mark's having problems with Andy and Andy loves Mark to DEATH. But Mark loves Nail, and Nail would never REALLY love Mark, not in 100 years. Not while Rean's in the picture. And ANGELICA. >< UGH! I'm sick of my own Mother! She says she hates drama, but she sure causes a helluvalot of it. Poor Thelonius. I know no one has any small CLUE of what i'm talking about. I dont care. It's good to just get it out. I'm worried, and semi-happy, and guilty, and you know...just...
En's sweet. He gives me everything i want, and he loves me. He never turns anything i ask for down, and he cares about me. I should be satisfied. But i'm not. Someone yell at me and tell me i'm wrong. Tell me i shouldnt want more...but...i dont love him...
Where are the villains?
Where are the boys?
Dressed all in armor
With weapons for toys?
Where’s good and evil?
Where’s black and white?
Down on the earthen
Plane what is right?
What is a hero?
Now that I’ve drown.
So close to the ground?
Down out of the clouds
I’ve ‘seen the light’
Within the stardust
All seemed right.
When I was with you
We skipped high, rejoicing.
Now I’m all here
Drinking my poison.
What is this question’s
Use down under clouds?
What is the question’s
Use in the crowds?
But where are the villains?
Where are their toys?
What is a hero?
Where are the boys?
How far from grace have we fallen?
Lost, scarred, wasted, and forgotten.
How far from God have we stumbled?
Blasphemous, pain-hungry, hurt, and humbled.
How far from You have I run?
All for the sake of twisted fun.
How far from the ideal have I flown?
Tormented, lovely, and unknown.
How far from He have we gone?
Thinking everything right is wrong.
And how far from His grace have we fallen?
Lost, scarred, wasted, and forgotten.
How far from His ways are we falling?
Entwined in different notes, song, and calling.
And who in our dreams do we see?
An angel, a blessing, taken from thee.
I miss him
I love him
I /trust/ him, poor me
I Know him
I feel him
I.. I dont know...I think about him. All the time.
And you'd think...
That i'd be over it by now.
What is it?
I think i'm in...something
And i thought, after a while
That it wasnt love.
It must be...right?
God...I dont know. I"m so confused.
My feelings are jumbled.
I think if i dont see him soon,
I'll go under.
I dont know...
And at least i'm honest...
Call me by name
I found one the other day.
The first in a long while
And it made me smile.
And i put it with the others.
And it felt special.
More so than the rest.
Because i didnt even...mean to find it
Not that i meant the other ones, but...
I dont know.
Someone talk to me about all this.
I think i need....
Well, i need again.
I want again.
And i think i like it.
More and more.
And i deffinately want him.
*whimpers* Rachel, help me. Please, help me. I dont wanna be a whore...please
Enough feathers to make myself a pair of wings...and every time i see one, i'm reminded that i am loved. And it makes me want to cry. So badly. But i cant. I never can. I'm heading towards a break down. I cry at every little thing, but only a few tears. I'm heading towards a break down. I cant really cry. Its bad...everythi
I found a place
I stood above
I learned of peace
I learned of love
I found triumph
In my hand
I reached out
I could almost touch it
And I almost believed
I was almost there
Love, truly, was almost conceived
But it was shattered
By the dawn
By the dew
And sun-sparkled lawn
And my memories
They all seem
So like a dream
The night was blessed
Yet cursed as well
A mix of heaven
Earth, and hell.