my life is really messed up. i decided a month ago that never again will i fall for matt, but i can feel myself slipping. for christ sakes i slept with him today, if thats not slipping i dont know what is. but the weird thing is its not the same as it used to be. of course it was great, cus make up sex is the best and the man has a tounge like a snake, but i dont feel the need to tell him i love him anymore. like i said, he will always have a special place in my heart, but i dont love him the same way and it would never work out anyways, being that our families hate eachother and all. maybe this is for the best. i mean, i am fufilling what i wanted to do this year: just have fun. and im happier than i have been in a long time, and he seems happy too. well, now that i have rambled on about stuff none of you care about, i feel better and am thinkin i should go to bed early.
ok, a lot has happened. for a while i stopped talking to matt because i was sick off all the fighting and i wanted to be my own person. being me free from strings is fun, but i really missed matt. i missed talking to him, his laugh, the way he could make me smile like no one else can. i realised i will never love him the way i used to, but my heart will always have a special place for him, and i just feel so horrible for hurting him the way i did, but at the same time i am still hurt inside from all the things we have put eachother through. those scars will never heal, and ive accepted that i can never have matt back as a boyfriend, and, whats more important, i dont want him back. sure, i miss our physical connection, that will never be replaced, and i miss all the good times we had, but hopefully we will have a future of good times as just friends. after all, i have sorta been seeing other people and recently slept with the guy ive been dating the longest, tom. sure, it was great and fun and all that, but it just didnt feel the same. but that could just be the pot since im too chicken to make any real moves sober. but back to matt. today we hung out after school and after i was done at work, and i think i had more fun talking to him today than in months. i just wish i could take back all the mean things i said to him.
well, ive officially gone down the tube. i am so quitting my job because cheryl is a cheap bitch, i got high today even though i really did not want to, and spent the last hour crying because i figured out my woulda-coulda baby would be born in may, around the 15th. i know this sounds wrong, but i miss it. i miss something i knew i could never keep in the first place, and i keep thinking that maybe i should have had it and kept it. then, of course, i slap myself on the forehead and remind myself it was for the best and now i can live a normal life. grr y cant i be normal? and i keep picking fights with matt for no reason, just because he jokingly called me fatty at lunch one day. i am such a sucky friend! and i love him and dont want to hurt him, but then theres tyler, who is becoming a good friend and is great to hang out with, and all i can think about is that he wants to sleep with me. and i feel so guilty because i love hanging out with him, but in some way i feel like im betraying matt, who isnt even my boyfriend anymore! o, and then, the other night i got so overwhelmed i ended up scrathing myself with a safty pin. A safty pin! i mean, all it did was scratch the surface, no blood or nothing, but still i cant believe i did that! well, i think thats all thats wrong in my world right now, but trust me, there will be more.
ok, im getting really freaked out
when matt called the cops on my parents that 1 night a long time ago, i took my pain out the only way i knew how. i tried what my friend michelle had been doing for years, i cut myself. it was just a scratch with a pair of nail scissors, but i was still proud of myself for taking control of something in a life that was spinning out of my hands: my father had just beat me up and mother had always called me so many things to put me down and the cops did nothing, i was going to have 2 break up with matt cus he had been the 1 to call the cops, i didnt really have that many real friend, and my grades were dropping. the next school day i went crying to matt in the morning, covered in bruises and determined to break up with him, even though it was 2 days before our 1 year anniversary. then i realized something: he did the right thing. so we decided to have a strictly in school relationship. then, i ran to michell and told her what i had done. she was proud of me, but told me how to pull apart a disposible razor and use the blades. thats when it started.
my parents had moved me down to or basement, which is cold, cementy, and dirty. i slept on the couch down there next to my dads desk for 3 months. i had no privacy, no privilages, no nothing. so all i did in my spare time was slice my body. it was mostly my left wrist, but then i ran out of room under my bunch of bracelets i used 2 hide the cuts, so i had to move elsewhere. soon i had scars on my ankles, calves, thieghs, stomach, and shoulders. i hid these from everyone except michelle. matt was the hardest to hide from, since we were always near me and can always tell when something is wrong. but since we could only see eachother in school any sexual encounters we had required me to be almost fully clothed, so i hid it well. finally, after i was out of the basement and well on my way to living in the biggest room in the house, i broke down and told him, crying in the practice rooms of our school. he told me i needed to get help. but i couldnt stop, it felt good to get rid of my pain through another source, and with matts and is relationship getting on the rocks i just had more of a motive. but eventually i tried to quit for him, and for a while it worked. but this summer we broke up, and it was as bad as ever. then, after i found out i was pregnant, matt and i got into a huge fight 1 night, and i slit my wrist so deep i had 2 tell my mom and go get tape stitches at 1 in the mornin on a school night. i vowed that would be my last time.
but i had become a huge smoker to make up for the lost addiction of cutting, so when i tried to quit as axmas present 4 my friend, i found myself covered in cuts 1 morning. i had done it without realizing it! so now im back to smoking but keep getting the urges to cut again. what is wrong with me?!
Hooray for me! Matts and is fighting is at a record low! i havent been this happy with him since before the big cop incident. i dont understand how its possible to love someone who has broken your heart so many times (but for the right reasons), but i do. i guess we are kinda equal in the heartbreaking catagory though. one complication with our situation though-i just found out a kid i used 2 have a crush on totally likes me! ahh! im in hell! i love what i have with matt but i hung out with this guy the other night and hes really cool and i dont think he will settle for just being friends. help me ppl!
IF I WERE A...??
If I were a month I would be:July
If I were a day of the week I would be:Saturday
If I were a time of day I would be:3:00am its my favorite
If I were a planet I would be:earth cuz its full of dumbasses
If I were a sea animal I would be:a fish? a really colorful fish
If I were a direction I would be:south,my fav place 2 go!lol!
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a bed
If I were a historical figure I would be:monica lawinski, lol
If I were a liquid I would be: vodka and rootbeer: surprisingly tasty
If I were a stone, I would be:a Diamond
If I were a tree, I would be: Um..A Tree...
If I were a bird, I would be: A humming bird
If I were a tool, I would be: A drill
If I were a flower/plant, I would be:a rose
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: hot and sunny day
If I were a musical instrument, I would be:electric guitar
If I were an animal, I would be: A penguin!
If I were a color, I would be: hot pink
If I were an emotion, I would be: hornyness (does that count?)
If I were a vegetable, I would be:a tomato, cuz its actually a fruit but looks like a veggie
If I were a sound, I would be: music
If I were an element, I would be: einsteinium
If I were a car, I would be: A 69 mustang
If I were a song, I would be:Greenday-Bo
If I were a movie, I would be directed by: Um..speilberg
If I were a book, I would be written by:janet ebonovich
If I were a food, I would be: ice cream
If I were a place, I would be: red beach in puerto rico
If I were a material, I would be: silk
If I were a taste, I would be: honey mustard
If I were a scent, I would be:very sexy
If I were a religion, I would be:buddism
If I were a word, I would be: assbelonker
If I were an object, I would be: lotion
If I were a body part I would be:he he he, u think of 1
If I were a facial expression I would be:a smile
If I were a subject in school I would be: recess
If I were a cartoon character I would be:stewie from the family guy (ill kill that vial woman!)
If I were a shape I would be: A triange
If I were a number I would be: 69
First screen name:dumbblond
First funeral: My grandma vovo
First pet: savannah dog
First piercing: Ears
First tattoo: None,yet
First credit card: None
First kiss:7th or 8th grade
First enemy: 6th grade
First favorite musician:i dunno, i think jimi buffet (i had a faze)
Last car ride:goin 2 get potuses pink shirt at krogles
Last kiss:matt after school
Last movie watched:kill bill
Last beverage drank:coke
Last food consumed:wendy
Last phone call:mom callin 2 say when shell be home
Last time showered:lastn
Last CD played:america
Last website visited: www.elftown.co
Single or Taken:umm cant really say.both!
Hair color:dark blonde
Eye color:greenish blue
Shoe size: 9 1/2
Right now what are you...
Wearing:pink tank, brown zip hoodie, jeans, black bra and pink undies
Thinking about:whom i should call for a date this weekend
ok, im feeling super depressed about this at the moment so ive gotta tell someone.
I dated matt for about 2 years, off and on. when we finally "ended" it last summer, we decided to do the friends with benifits thing because we still loved eachother and had a physical attraction, but couldnt handle a relationship due to complications with my pissy bitchy family. Ive been on the pill for a long time and neither of us had slept with anyone else, so we didnt bother with condoms because they only complicated things. well, the end of august last year my period only lasted one day, and i had skipped my pills a couple times during the month, so i took a test. there was only 1 question, and even before i looked at that ugly little stick i knew: i was pregnant. i freaked out. i mean, i was 16, had a mediocre job, friends who had lives, a family that would kill me if they found out i was still sleeping with matt, let alone carrying his kid, and a plan to finish school, go to college, and make something out of my life. there was no way i could have a kid. i knew adoption was out of the question (i dont think its right to pass on your kid to someone else. i know adopted kids, its not fair to them.), and i couldnt keep it. but the more i thought about abortion, which matt and i had agreed on if worst came to worst (even though it was against his beliefs), i realized i couldnt do it. it was like this thing was a part of me and it was going to stay that way. i was going to have to keep it. i even started to make plans for it. i decided i was going to run away to a shelter for teen moms near chicago when i really started to show and not tell anyone, not even matt. i wasnt going to put this pressure on him. i mean, we werent dating, i wasnt his responsibility and he didnt need this stress in his life since he had recently found out his dads cancer was back.
the next two months were hell. i was sore, nausious, and threw up a lot. i even skipped class a few times to cry in the 700 bathroom. matt could tell something was wrong, but i couldnt tell him so i told him it was smaller things that were bugging me: my stomache hurt, my mom was being a bitch, school was stressing me out. it killed me to not be able to tell him. i even lied and told him i got my period, and i cant stand lying to him because he is the one person i love more than anyone in the world. i wanted his love an support, no, needed it, but i knew i couldnt involve him in this. at the same time, i grew to love the thing growing inside me. it was weird, i didnt want baby, but at the same time i loved it dearly.
i went about life as usual. well, actually i freaked out one night in october and got really drunk and high and slept with my best friend and my ex best friends brother, but thats another story. actually i didnt find out about that until 2 months or so ago. but anyway i went to school and work, hung out with friends, slept with matt, and kept taking my pills. i guess i figured if i kept doing normal things my life would go back to normal. i guess it worked. towards the end of october i started feeling these weird pains around a week after i would have gotten my period. i cant really describe the pain emotionally, but physically i was in hell. ive never been stabbed in the stomache, but i imagine it feels a lot like a miscarrage. over and over i was forced to excuse myself to the restroom to push blood and guts out of me, and finally a little thing the size of a roll of pennies. it killed me to flush my baby down the toilet, but i knew it was for the best. my hell was over, or so i thought.
i slipped into a deep depression. i didnt sleep, ate a ton, and cried silent tears when no one was looking. then, on the night before halloween i spent the night at a party at matts house. around 11 we got into a huge fight, and ended up outside in the freezing cold screaming at eachother, and i told him. i broke down crying, and i kept telling him i didnt want to tell him and that i was sorry, and he held me and told me he loved me and he was sorry. that night we slept next to eachother, or atleast until i fell mostly asleep and then he moved to the floor because the couch was cramped. it was so nice that he cared.
the next morning we went about buisness as usual. we didnt tell anyone and dint really talk about it, and its been that way since. i think we talked about it twice. i finally told my other best friend potus about a week ago, and im starting to feel a little better. but it still kills me that i could have had something, and that i didnt feel like i could tell the person i loved about it. i cant even tell my friends! so im telling this to the few, if any, of u that will read this, in hopes that someone will understand my depression and feelings of hopelessness. god i need help.