[evil penguin]'s diary

560826  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-04-25
Written: (5629 days ago)

well, prom was last night. i pride myself in saying i only cried once, and that was while i was dancing with matt and he didnt even notice. i drained my dates checkbook at dinner because he kept avoiding me during the dance, but overall i had a great time. im also proud i did not go for the prom cliche and get drunk/layed. instead i fooled around with my lovely ex before the dance, smoked the rest of my pack of salems, and kissed a guy i call my brother (but hes not). i also got to privatly laugh at all the people i saw today who were hungover and looked like hell. tee hee hee, life is great.

552895  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-04-16
Written: (5638 days ago)

I don't want you to know
how much i care about you,
how much i want only the best for you,
how much i worry about you,
and how much i still love you, even if its not the same love.

I don't want you to know
how much pain you've caused me,
how many nights i've spent crying myself to sleep,
how many cuts have been made in your name,
or how much i hate you.

I dont want you to know
that you have lowered my self esteem,
that you are the reason i tore my family apart,
that you are the reason i almost killed myself,
and that, ironically, you are the only reason i'm alive.

I dont want you to know
that i miss you even when you are right in front of me,
that you are the person i worry about the most,
that im a hypocrite for hating you for that month we were apart,
and im a hypocrite about your hair,
since mine has bleached blonde in it now.

I don't want you to know
that im jealous,
selfish,
childish,
or a bitch,
but you already know all of that.

I don't want you to know
that i write about you,
that i really enjoy the nights, and days, and elevators, and...well ya,
that i hate that we never see each other during school anymore,
and that i wrote this poem,

so ill just stop.

543293  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-04-06
Written: (5648 days ago)

im super pissy and tired right now, so naturally ill write. right now a bunch of shit is going on in my life. i had a really interesting conversation with my mother when i got home from walmart tonight. i think shes starting to see that ive grown up a lot since the end of january. im also getting caught up between 2 of my friends who are dating, and i kinda feel like im the 1 whose gunna get blamed 4 wuts been going on. i realized that i am ugly and fat as all hell and people are willing to choose monkeys over me. this is proof enough y im stuck with my prom date instead of who i wanted to go with. i figured out im not good enough for the future i want, or the life i want now for that matter. i also discovered it is impossible to sever emotions that u have held on to for so long without severing all ties to that person. iv realised happiness is only an illusion for the dellusional. ooo, i like the sound of that, dellusional. o well, im just sick and tired of being treated like crap and always coming in behind everyone else. does no one care about my feelings anymore? i always try to help my friends through their problems, but y is no 1 there 4 me? am i not good enough anymore? by trying to make myself a better person and do the right thing, did i lose all things i had once upon a lie? y do i not have the answers?

543260  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-04-06
Written: (5648 days ago)

Time Dragon

In the war between good and evil, a Time Dragon tends to walk the fine line of Neutrality.
When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner dragon is a risk taker and answers to no one.
As far as magical tendancies, Magical spells come as natural to the Time Dragon as breathe from it's body.
During combat situations, whether by spells or by claw, your inner dragon will do whatever it takes to get the job done.

Dragon Description:
A rare and unusual dragon, seldom seen due to its ability to shift through time. However, seeing time dragon often means great changes and unusual events are about to occur. A time dragon is transparent in coloring, much like an irridescent smooth wine glass or glass catfish. Young time dragons are playful and inquisitive, able to teleport themselves at an early age. as they mature their scales take on a more irridescent hue, sometimes reflecting more of a blue, green or red coloring.

Mature time dragons are reclusive, but have been known to involve themselves in the affairs of humans for reasons that no one can be quite sure of. Their ability to travel through time makes them virtually omniscient, as they have seen first hand the outcomes of fate.

Time dragons often are incredibly intelligent and even tempered, but can be extremely confusing to talk to. They are consummate planners, able to set up chains of events that have repercussions beyond the scope of human understanding.In Combat, time dragons are nearly invulnerable, teleporting away at will or simply stepping out of time all together. When provoked, the unlucky opponent will find themselves not assaulted by one dragon, but many of the same dragon, as it will travel back in time to assist itself in combat.

This Dragons favorite elements are: Time, Change, quartz

537022  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-03-31
Written: (5654 days ago)

Reasons why any girl has the God-given right to be mad at a guy without an explaination:
1. PMS, or when you are on your period.
2. You break our hearts at any point in time
3. You dont notice when we are looking great or have a new hairdo
4. You dont buy us presents when we deserve them
5. You say you will call, and then you dont
6. You talk excessivly about another girl. We may not like you that way, but we are still people and it makes us feel inadiquit.
7. You ignore us
8. Excessive video game playing, enough said
9. It never hurts to give us a hug once in a while
10. When we feel like you are hiding something from us.
11. When you take your anger out on us
12. When you act like a completely different person in front of your friends.

535010  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-03-29
Written: (5656 days ago)

well i cant sleep, so ill write
1st thing of the day: i got caught giving my wonderful ex a blowjob so hed wake up by his mother. once again, that was aquward as usual. someday i believe i will look back on all the times weve gotten caught and laugh, like last week when i was handcuffed 2 the roof of my car and another car pulled in the parking lot and circled us.
2nd: once again hooper is hitting on me, but today he started at 9 am. what a wonderful wake up call, a guy who is a good friend of ur ex asking u 2 come over cus no1s home. im starting to think i should just do him 2 a:get him 2 shut up and b:i want 2 see why so many girls keep going back 2 him.
3rd: i went tanning on my back deck because it was 70 degrees. good news:i actually have tan lines. bad news: the weird clear mole thingee on my boob has turned BRIGHT RED. now iv gotta call the stupid dermatologist 2 make sure i dont have cancer or some weird shit like that.
4th: i went 2 the mall with potus 2 celebrate my birthday with him. he got me sun glasses, a key chain, and a happy bunny book. i ended up buying Battle Royale, one of my favorite books, so i will be able 2 read it without matts permision from now on. we saw miss congeniality 2, which was good, and i vowed that b4 the acts i am getting him drunk.
5th:i finished watching 10.5, so now i have 2 return it and spongebob 2 matt 2maro. id make arrangements 2 do that 2nite, but i dont want 2 call him because he is either a:sleeping already cus he didnt at all last night, or b: out with his precious little amanda. i really have no reason 2 hate her, but i do, o so much, and i dont no y cus i dont love matt nemore. i think i hate her because i almost want 2 protect her. i know shes a good person, i just dont want her 2 have 2 go through what i went through. no 1 deserves that pain, so maybe if i hate her she might just go away. i no, it makes no sense, but what else can i do? if i become her friend and tell her all the pain i went through, she would go back and tell matt and he doesnt need 2 no all of that.
speaking of hate, number 6: casi burdette is really pissing me off. how pathetic, she keeps sitting right next 2 me at lunch and whispering stupid little things about me 2 kay. its funny cus every1 keeps laughing about it behind her back, but if that bitch doesnt get out of my face soon, im gunna kick her ass. even mishelle is getting pissed at her. shes nothing but a whore. u no 1ce she slept with 3 guys in 1 day? and she calls me a whore, thats the number of guys iv slept with total, and she has new 1s every week. i hope she catches some funky std. really, i hate her that much.

well, im tired now, goodnight everyone

535007  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-03-29
Written: (5656 days ago)

If I was a profession I'd be: a porn star
If I was a country I'd be: puerto rico
If I was an ocean or body of water I'd be:sun bay
If I was a piece of candy I'd be:a sucker
If I was a famous building or piece of architecture I'd be: navy peir
If I was a store I'd be:wal mart
If I was a brand of shoe I'd be: flip flops
If I was a swear word I'd be:fuck
If I was an icecream flavor I'd be: half baked
If I was a disease I'd be: gonasyphicherpicrabaids
If I was a board game I'd be:monopoly
If I was a feeling I'd be:an orgasm
If I was a president I'd be:clinton
If I was a war I'd be: vietnam
If I was a city I'd be: chicago
If I was a color I'd be: hot pink
If I was a celebrity I'd be: pam anderson, i have her boobs
If I was a movie I'd be: cruel intentions
If I was a brand of toothpaste I'd be:crest the cinnamon kind
If I was a buisness I'd be:a strip club
If I was a currency I'd be: yen because thats a funny word
If I were a month, I'd be: july
If I were a day of the week, I'd be: saturday
If I were a time of day, I'd be: 1 am
If I were a planet, I'd be:uranus
If I were a sea animal, I'd be: PENGUIN!
If I were a direction, I'd be:left?
If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be:a bed
If I were a liquid, I'd be:a sex on the beach
If I were a tree, I'd be:a palm tree
If I were a bird, I'd be: a parrot
If I were a tool, I'd be: a screw driver
If I were a flower/plant, I'd be:a rose
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: hot and wet
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be:a flute
If I were an animal, I'd be:A PENGUIN
If I were a vegetable, I'd be: a carrot
If I were a sound, I'd be: mmmm
If I were an element, I'd be: einsteinium
If I were a car, I'd be: 2005 mustang gt convertable, silver
If I were a song, I'd be: numb by lincoln park
If I were a book, I'd be: the lovely bones
If I were a food, I'd be: a popsicle
If I were a material, I'd be:metal
If I were a taste, I'd be: like tuna
If I were a word, I'd be: fuck
If I were a body part, I'd be: boobs
If I were a facial expression, I'd be:a smile
If I were a shape, I'd be:a circle
If I were a number, I'd be:69

528976  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-03-22
Written: (5663 days ago)

well, it has once again started, the dumb ass dating game. i hate it, i hate the whole concept of dating and everything it entails. hooper hit on me, tom doesnt really care, matts all happy, and once again i am lonely surrounded by people. i love that hes happy, i just hate that its not because of me. i hate listening to him talk about her because it absolutly tears me up inside. trust me, theres no way in hell i would EVER date him again, but i still feel attatched in a weird way. i dont exzactly love him anymore, ive been hurt too many times for that, but theres still a tiny spark that catches me offguard sometimes, and tonight is one of them. i hate that the only guys interested in me are only in it for sex, or they r gay. i hate that i dont have the guts to ask out the guy i really like because he is waaaaayyy out of my league and would never go for it because he is already just a friend, and i was stupid enough to tell him that. then there is adam. o adam, wuts wrong with u? he likes me, but has no guts to hang out with me, let alone date me, and neway i dont even really like him like that, im just bored. well, on a brighter note, i finally get 2 bust out the handcuffs 2maro, wooooo hooooo! and despite everything, matt and i havent been fighting lately and i like when we rnt all mad at eachother. i dunno, maybe its better hes kinda with someone else. i mean, i wont talk 2 him as much then and he wont have 2 worry about me anymore.

527681  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-03-20
Written: (5664 days ago)

well, yesturday sucked. well not really all of it, but the last part. i went 2 the mall with casey jones and we had tons of fun. around 430 we decided 2 go to sadies 2gether, which was in 2 hours. we got bored about an hour after we got there, so we went 2 matts 2 hang out with every1, which was kewl cus i knew it was matts last day off 4 awhile. we were gunna go c the ring 2, but eric, michelle, and casey went 2 shuelers 2 c the drug dogs. it pissed me off cus i wanted 2 c the movie, and matt was gettin really mad. then we tried 2 go bowling, but all the lanes in town were full. so we were gunna go 2 peru, but at the last second every1 else decided 2 go over 2 jerimiahs. this pissed me off royally since i had spent 5 minutes battling with my mother 2 b able 2 go. i didnt want 2 go, but i really couldnt go home. matt was pissin me off cus he was takin his anger out on me, which i should b used 2 by now, but i was already pretty mad cus he had kissed me after he had been out with amanda all day, so i kinda felt like i was getting sloppy seconds. then i got really mad and broke his window. o, and after i got home i put the incredibles in my dvd player and it got stuck, so i broke the dvd player. i didnt get to bed til about 2 and i had 2 b at work at 7. well im tired so im gunna take a nap

525460  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-03-18
Written: (5667 days ago)

Things Girls Shouldn't Say when They See A Guy Naked!!!!
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Aww, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. Ewww!
21. Umm, I've gotta go...
22. I won't be able to feel that.
23. That's it?

524714  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-03-17
Written: (5668 days ago)

well im a tad bit depressed. i saw my baby cousin tatumn at work tonight, and it reminded me that i would be around 7 months now. but its ok, im fine. i think i almost kissed andy tonight, i dunno, it was weird. i was taking the trash out of the bathrooms and he started pokin the bags with the hose of his vaccume, so i stole it from him and ran through the kitchen and out the back door. he chased me out, and when he took it back he got reaallllllly close to my face. i dunno, im confused. i cant like him, i work with him and he is leaving for college soon. then there is tom. he is so busy all the time, i could never really date him, but we have a good time when we get together and im comfortable being myself with him. o and tyler, i think i slept with him when he started dating his current girlfriend, which kinda pisses me off. but u cant stay mad at a guy who goes commando most of the time and starts conversations like wut if a guy had a curved penis? (spanish, dont ask.) plus he was awsome, even if he cant kiss worth a damn. o, and matt. i love that we are talking again, and it really sounds like he is getting his shit together. i am also apparently picking up the pieces of my broken heart because tonight he admitted he likes someone and i was just happy for him. let me tell ya, there is no weirder feeling than noing the person you loved for so long has found someone else that can make them happier, and ur happy for it. well, its saint pattys day now, so i have 2 get 2 bed so i can get up to get drunk, lol.

512655  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-03-04
Written: (5681 days ago)

my life is really messed up. i decided a month ago that never again will i fall for matt, but i can feel myself slipping. for christ sakes i slept with him today, if thats not slipping i dont know what is. but the weird thing is its not the same as it used to be. of course it was great, cus make up sex is the best and the man has a tounge like a snake, but i dont feel the need to tell him i love him anymore. like i said, he will always have a special place in my heart, but i dont love him the same way and it would never work out anyways, being that our families hate eachother and all. maybe this is for the best. i mean, i am fufilling what i wanted to do this year: just have fun. and im happier than i have been in a long time, and he seems happy too. well, now that i have rambled on about stuff none of you care about, i feel better and am thinkin i should go to bed early.

511901  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-03-03
Written: (5682 days ago)

ok, a lot has happened. for a while i stopped talking to matt because i was sick off all the fighting and i wanted to be my own person. being me free from strings is fun, but i really missed matt. i missed talking to him, his laugh, the way he could make me smile like no one else can. i realised i will never love him the way i used to, but my heart will always have a special place for him, and i just feel so horrible for hurting him the way i did, but at the same time i am still hurt inside from all the things we have put eachother through. those scars will never heal, and ive accepted that i can never have matt back as a boyfriend, and, whats more important, i dont want him back. sure, i miss our physical connection, that will never be replaced, and i miss all the good times we had, but hopefully we will have a future of good times as just friends. after all, i have sorta been seeing other people and recently slept with the guy ive been dating the longest, tom. sure, it was great and fun and all that, but it just didnt feel the same. but that could just be the pot since im too chicken to make any real moves sober. but back to matt. today we hung out after school and after i was done at work, and i think i had more fun talking to him today than in months. i just wish i could take back all the mean things i said to him.

482233  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-01-28
Written: (5716 days ago)

well, ive officially gone down the tube. i am so quitting my job because cheryl is a cheap bitch, i got high today even though i really did not want to, and spent the last hour crying because i figured out my woulda-coulda baby would be born in may, around the 15th. i know this sounds wrong, but i miss it. i miss something i knew i could never keep in the first place, and i keep thinking that maybe i should have had it and kept it. then, of course, i slap myself on the forehead and remind myself it was for the best and now i can live a normal life. grr y cant i be normal? and i keep picking fights with matt for no reason, just because he jokingly called me fatty at lunch one day. i am such a sucky friend! and i love him and dont want to hurt him, but then theres tyler, who is becoming a good friend and is great to hang out with, and all i can think about is that he wants to sleep with me. and i feel so guilty because i love hanging out with him, but in some way i feel like im betraying matt, who isnt even my boyfriend anymore! o, and then, the other night i got so overwhelmed i ended up scrathing myself with a safty pin. A safty pin! i mean, all it did was scratch the surface, no blood or nothing, but still i cant believe i did that! well, i think thats all thats wrong in my world right now, but trust me, there will be more.

478621  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-01-23
Written: (5721 days ago)

ok, im getting really freaked out
when matt called the cops on my parents that 1 night a long time ago, i took my pain out the only way i knew how. i tried what my friend michelle had been doing for years, i cut myself. it was just a scratch with a pair of nail scissors, but i was still proud of myself for taking control of something in a life that was spinning out of my hands: my father had just beat me up and mother had always called me so many things to put me down and the cops did nothing, i was going to have 2 break up with matt cus he had been the 1 to call the cops, i didnt really have that many real friend, and my grades were dropping. the next school day i went crying to matt in the morning, covered in bruises and determined to break up with him, even though it was 2 days before our 1 year anniversary. then i realized something: he did the right thing. so we decided to have a strictly in school relationship. then, i ran to michell and told her what i had done. she was proud of me, but told me how to pull apart a disposible razor and use the blades. thats when it started.
my parents had moved me down to or basement, which is cold, cementy, and dirty. i slept on the couch down there next to my dads desk for 3 months. i had no privacy, no privilages, no nothing. so all i did in my spare time was slice my body. it was mostly my left wrist, but then i ran out of room under my bunch of bracelets i used 2 hide the cuts, so i had to move elsewhere. soon i had scars on my ankles, calves, thieghs, stomach, and shoulders. i hid these from everyone except michelle. matt was the hardest to hide from, since we were always near me and can always tell when something is wrong. but since we could only see eachother in school any sexual encounters we had required me to be almost fully clothed, so i hid it well. finally, after i was out of the basement and well on my way to living in the biggest room in the house, i broke down and told him, crying in the practice rooms of our school. he told me i needed to get help. but i couldnt stop, it felt good to get rid of my pain through another source, and with matts and is relationship getting on the rocks i just had more of a motive. but eventually i tried to quit for him, and for a while it worked. but this summer we broke up, and it was as bad as ever. then, after i found out i was pregnant, matt and i got into a huge fight 1 night, and i slit my wrist so deep i had 2 tell my mom and go get tape stitches at 1 in the mornin on a school night. i vowed that would be my last time.
but i had become a huge smoker to make up for the lost addiction of cutting, so when i tried to quit as axmas present 4 my friend, i found myself covered in cuts 1 morning. i had done it without realizing it! so now im back to smoking but keep getting the urges to cut again. what is wrong with me?!

478428  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-01-22
Written: (5721 days ago)

Hooray for me! Matts and is fighting is at a record low! i havent been this happy with him since before the big cop incident. i dont understand how its possible to love someone who has broken your heart so many times (but for the right reasons), but i do. i guess we are kinda equal in the heartbreaking catagory though. one complication with our situation though-i just found out a kid i used 2 have a crush on totally likes me! ahh! im in hell! i love what i have with matt but i hung out with this guy the other night and hes really cool and i dont think he will settle for just being friends. help me ppl!

477178  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-01-21
Written: (5723 days ago)

IF I WERE A...??
If I were a month I would be:July
If I were a day of the week I would be:Saturday
If I were a time of day I would be:3:00am its my favorite
If I were a planet I would be:earth cuz its full of dumbasses
If I were a sea animal I would be:a fish? a really colorful fish
If I were a direction I would be:south,my fav place 2 go!lol!
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a bed
If I were a historical figure I would be:monica lawinski, lol
If I were a liquid I would be: vodka and rootbeer: surprisingly tasty
If I were a stone, I would be:a Diamond
If I were a tree, I would be: Um..A Tree...
If I were a bird, I would be: A humming bird
If I were a tool, I would be: A drill
If I were a flower/plant, I would be:a rose
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: hot and sunny day
If I were a musical instrument, I would be:electric guitar
If I were an animal, I would be: A penguin!
If I were a color, I would be: hot pink
If I were an emotion, I would be: hornyness (does that count?)
If I were a vegetable, I would be:a tomato, cuz its actually a fruit but looks like a veggie
If I were a sound, I would be: music
If I were an element, I would be: einsteinium
If I were a car, I would be: A 69 mustang
If I were a song, I would be:Greenday-Boulivard of broken dreams.
If I were a movie, I would be directed by: Um..speilberg
If I were a book, I would be written by:janet ebonovich
If I were a food, I would be: ice cream
If I were a place, I would be: red beach in puerto rico
If I were a material, I would be: silk
If I were a taste, I would be: honey mustard
If I were a scent, I would be:very sexy
If I were a religion, I would be:buddism
If I were a word, I would be: assbelonker
If I were an object, I would be: lotion
If I were a body part I would be:he he he, u think of 1
If I were a facial expression I would be:a smile
If I were a subject in school I would be: recess
If I were a cartoon character I would be:stewie from the family guy (ill kill that vial woman!)
If I were a shape I would be: A triange
If I were a number I would be: 69

Firsts
First job:babysitting
First screen name:dumbblondgonecrazy
First funeral: My grandma vovo
First pet: savannah dog
First piercing: Ears
First tattoo: None,yet
First credit card: None
First kiss:7th or 8th grade
First enemy: 6th grade
First favorite musician:i dunno, i think jimi buffet (i had a faze)


Lasts
Last car ride:goin 2 get potuses pink shirt at krogles
Last kiss:matt after school
Last movie watched:kill bill
Last beverage drank:coke
Last food consumed:wendys double stack
Last phone call:mom callin 2 say when shell be home
Last time showered:lastnight
Last CD played:american idiot
Last website visited: www.elftown.com


Now
Single or Taken:umm cant really say.both!
Sex: female
Birthday:3-25-88
Sign:aries
Siblings:2 sisters
Hair color:dark blonde
Eye color:greenish blue
Shoe size: 9 1/2
Height: 5'4


Right now what are you...
Wearing:pink tank, brown zip hoodie, jeans, black bra and pink undies
Drinking:coke.
Thinking about:whom i should call for a date this weekend

473860  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-01-17
Written: (5727 days ago)

ok, im feeling super depressed about this at the moment so ive gotta tell someone.
I dated matt for about 2 years, off and on. when we finally "ended" it last summer, we decided to do the friends with benifits thing because we still loved eachother and had a physical attraction, but couldnt handle a relationship due to complications with my pissy bitchy family. Ive been on the pill for a long time and neither of us had slept with anyone else, so we didnt bother with condoms because they only complicated things. well, the end of august last year my period only lasted one day, and i had skipped my pills a couple times during the month, so i took a test. there was only 1 question, and even before i looked at that ugly little stick i knew: i was pregnant. i freaked out. i mean, i was 16, had a mediocre job, friends who had lives, a family that would kill me if they found out i was still sleeping with matt, let alone carrying his kid, and a plan to finish school, go to college, and make something out of my life. there was no way i could have a kid. i knew adoption was out of the question (i dont think its right to pass on your kid to someone else. i know adopted kids, its not fair to them.), and i couldnt keep it. but the more i thought about abortion, which matt and i had agreed on if worst came to worst (even though it was against his beliefs), i realized i couldnt do it. it was like this thing was a part of me and it was going to stay that way. i was going to have to keep it. i even started to make plans for it. i decided i was going to run away to a shelter for teen moms near chicago when i really started to show and not tell anyone, not even matt. i wasnt going to put this pressure on him. i mean, we werent dating, i wasnt his responsibility and he didnt need this stress in his life since he had recently found out his dads cancer was back.
    the next two months were hell. i was sore, nausious, and threw up a lot. i even skipped class a few times to cry in the 700 bathroom. matt could tell something was wrong, but i couldnt tell him so i told him it was smaller things that were bugging me: my stomache hurt, my mom was being a bitch, school was stressing me out. it killed me to not be able to tell him. i even lied and told him i got my period, and i cant stand lying to him because he is the one person i love more than anyone in the world. i wanted his love an support, no, needed it, but i knew i couldnt involve him in this. at the same time, i grew to love the thing growing inside me. it was weird, i didnt want baby, but at the same time i loved it dearly.
    i went about life as usual. well, actually i freaked out one night in october and got really drunk and high and slept with my best friend and my ex best friends brother, but thats another story. actually i didnt find out about that until 2 months or so ago. but anyway i went to school and work, hung out with friends, slept with matt, and kept taking my pills. i guess i figured if i kept doing normal things my life would go back to normal. i guess it worked. towards the end of october i started feeling these weird pains around a week after i would have gotten my period. i cant really describe the pain emotionally, but physically i was in hell. ive never been stabbed in the stomache, but i imagine it feels a lot like a miscarrage. over and over i was forced to excuse myself to the restroom to push blood and guts out of me, and finally a little thing the size of a roll of pennies. it killed me to flush my baby down the toilet, but i knew it was for the best. my hell was over, or so i thought.
     i slipped into a deep depression. i didnt sleep, ate a ton, and cried silent tears when no one was looking. then, on the night before halloween i spent the night at a party at matts house. around 11 we got into a huge fight, and ended up outside in the freezing cold screaming at eachother, and i told him. i broke down crying, and i kept telling him i didnt want to tell him and that i was sorry, and he held me and told me he loved me and he was sorry. that night we slept next to eachother, or atleast until i fell mostly asleep and then he moved to the floor because the couch was cramped. it was so nice that he cared.
     the next morning we went about buisness as usual. we didnt tell anyone and dint really talk about it, and its been that way since. i think we talked about it twice. i finally told my other best friend potus about a week ago, and im starting to feel a little better. but it still kills me that i could have had something, and that i didnt feel like i could tell the person i loved about it. i cant even tell my friends! so im telling this to the few, if any, of u that will read this, in hopes that someone will understand my depression and feelings of hopelessness. god i need help.

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