[Aradon Templar]'s diary

650337  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-08-21
Written: (5441 days ago)

After any halfways decent movie, I always feel compelled to write something interesting or thoughtful. Probably because a good movie must convey powerful emotion in order to engage the audience.
Well, tonight, I just wanted to point out that if you feel no emotions, you have no life. Emotions are the most sensitive parts of ourselves, more personal than events that go on around us, even more sensitive than our five senses. If you have no connection with emotions, you cannot say you are even experiencing your life. Now I understand how people can be bitter and ruthless; those who kill their emotions are as good as dead. Yet they lack the respite of death, whether it be eternal sleep, unending nothingness, or life in another dimension. They are barred from what should come, and are forced to be living dead, feeling no connection to the world, and thus experiencing nothing. They are to be pitied, yet feared as well, for they are the type that have no pity or mercy, or even obey the laws of humanity. Why should they, when they are as good as dead?
Emotions keep people sane, humane, and living strong. Yet, powerful ones can drive people to extremes as well. However, they can still be said to be living, and are a good deal better off than the emotionally dead.
Life filled with emotion is a good one, and will bear good memories for the afterlife or old age. A life filled with simple memories will fade into fact and be dismissed as unimportant. A whole life, wasted. Keep your emotions strong.

(By the way, the movie I watched was The Terminator, for any who were curious.)


649178  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-08-19
Written: (5443 days ago)

Ugh. Bad day. Extreme homework load, lots of important stuff tomorrow. Dead tired, got up really tired, worked my head off today, still didn't finish. Not in a good mood :P

On the other hand, in light of my recent decision that my sole perspective is limited, I'm now open to hear any criticisms of me that any of my friends have to say. This is your chance to tell me what's wrong with me, so send me a message. *ish looking for constructive criticism, or in fact any criticism, so as to be better in the perspective of everyone else*

On another hand (back to the first one, in case it wasn't clear that I didn't have three hands), Mithias is my new friend, and he is working on building a new ET-like community soley for RPers, which I plan on joining/crewing/doing stuff in, when possible. Looks to be good. I like the stylesheet :P

648182  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-08-17
Written: (5444 days ago)

*points and laughs at the statement and those who say, "I hate racists!"*

No explanation needed, I think :)

647018  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-08-15
Written: (5446 days ago)

Tis the 15th, and this entry is to give tribute to She who shares my birthday and was assumed into heaven on this day, many years ago, the divine Mother Mary. Stories tell that she was perfect and flawless, completely obedient and submissive, the perfect servant of God. Of course, stories are flawed, but in light of this particular subject, she being the Mother of God, I will believe it is true. She is a role model often overlooked, with people eager to point at Jesus, or Peter, or more current saints. Yet, Jesus' sacrifice was superhuman, something that we, even if we wanted to, could not do. None of us could die and free souls in Hell, while granting pardon to the world. It simply isn't within our jurisdiction and power to do. And while we can't, at the same time, give birth to a divine being as Mary did Jesus, we can make the same choices as the Immaculate Mother- that is, say yes to whatever the Lord's bidding was. Being a willful servant is the grace that is greatest in her, and it is one that we all deserve to foster in ourselves.

645995  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-08-14
Written: (5447 days ago)

Or, I am going to get my new house up, despite the crashing tendancies of PSP. And look what happens- something compelled me to use illegible fonts, and I forgot to save a .psp copy. Now, I get to start all over again. Yippee. Though the new house stays up for now.

644994  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-08-13
Written: (5449 days ago)

Ugh, lovely. I stay up unseemly late on the weekend trying to make my new house while I still have time, and what does Paintshop Pro do? Oh, go figure, it thinks it's funny to crash. That's gotta be the thing I hate most about it. Lots of people complain about PSP's capabilities and limits, but the crashing part is the worst. Now I'm never gonna get my new house up :(

641792  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-08-08
Written: (5453 days ago)

Eh, it's that time of year again. Namely, my birthday and school. What a combination. My birthday was great. I got Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicals, which is basically FF XI without the online aspect. Pretty good game, though. More importantly, my dad registerred Terragen for me (w00t!). What does that mean? It means I can turn out finely-rendered images of any size on Terragen, and that I have the option of profiting off of my artwork (or I can use them on merchandise, etc. Such as Elftown's). It also means that I can get Terragen 2 a lot cheaper, which is infinitely better. Very happy with this. Plus it means the 99 I had saved for it is now spending money of my own.
On the offside, I'm back at school. The school is nuts. A 600 building is unnecessary. We have to run all across campus just to get to where we need to be. My first three classes ought to be alright, but my last three are going to be annoying. Physics is outright dull, from what I've seen, Brit Lit looks to be very hard, though I may enjoy the class. Precal seems very odd. The teacher is very happy-lovey type... I've heard all sorts of opinions about her. I should have fun in AP US History, though. The teacher's energetic, which is a must for second period. Though it will be lots of work, I should have some fun in that class.
All my classes are different from last year in terms of atmosphere. Teachers are less friendly, and some of them outright stated, "I am the teacher and you are the student. My first priority is teaching you, not to be your friend." Scary peoples. But the workload is going to be MUCH higher. In light of this, I'm off to work on my schoolwork.

635933  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-07-30
Written: (5462 days ago)

There's an exception to everything, life has no generalities, there are no absolutes. Nobody can say that something is perfect without someone else disagreeing. Nothing is unappealing to everyone, there's always someone who likes it. There are 6 billion people on this planet, and each of them have a unique mind or personality. That is why there is such variety on this planet, because everything is accepted, and none can be rejected without someone else losing something they'd like. But is there room for everything on this planet, and do they all have a place? As all people have their rights, the answer must be yes. But that also involves conflict due to some preferences clashing with the dislikes of others. The answer is tolerance. The only way for universal peace is to be tolerant of all things.
But is that such a good idea? Certainly not. Some things do not bear tolerance, such as murder and rape. Or do they? If they are a person's preference, do they have a place?
Obviously not. Murder and rape cannot be tolerated, or else the world falls into disorder. And what is peace if it is permeated with such vile? But can the non-tolerance be extended to the ones who's preference is murder and rape? Are we to suffer the murderers to live? As humans, we do not have the right to take another's life, or else we would fall to a level near, if not equal to a murderer. But what is their life if it is not filled with their preference? Are they to suffer through life because others must have peace? Are they to change to fit into society? Is it right to demand change from someone? Certainly not. No human deserves to be forced to change from their own personality. No human deserves to suffer through life. The answer, then, can only be that they must be convinced of the suffering they cause, and change of their own volition.
(The muddled thought pattern sorted out by typing. Pay it no mind, if you wish, though there may be something of importance written there)

There was going to be an entry in here about love, as well, but I cancelled it due to the fact that my thoughts are currently under the influence of teenagerism. Instead, I shall see what I can divine about the meaning of life. A question often asked, and so far the best answer I've heard is "42". Just cause it made me laugh. Some people would attempt to pin it on love. But as I said above, that's a generalization that cannot be made. Some people have love, but some people do not want love. But rather, I believe the 'meaning of life' is something that varies in each individual. In general, the closest I can get, is that each person has something they hold very important. Thus you get a bunch of 'love' answers. But there are more. Whatever that person holds important often becomes the meaning of their existence. It is the focus of their life to develop a close relationship with that thing. Hence marraige and religion, as well as wiccans and other nature-loving cults (pardon the term, no offense meant). Without that focal point, their lives often become less meaningful. It removes them from their lives. If I were to go through life without anything being important to me, life would consist merely of me doing things, moving through time apathetically, until I reach the end of the journey and die. Certainly not the meaning of life. The meaning of life is quite simply what gives life meaning.
As for me, the meaning of my life is God, Love, and Life (human, animal, and nature inclusive).
(Yet another befuddled rant, may be more or less important than the first, depending on what kind of person you are.)
633706  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-07-27
Written: (5465 days ago)
Next in thread: 634153

And I've just reached the decision that I know nothing about people. I know all about me. But 'me' is just completely different from other people. Or maybe I'm not. I have no way of telling if I'm different from over people in any aspects. I look at something, and wonder what the significance of it is. Or possibly it isn't significant, because the creator didn't intend any significance, just thought it was nice, so it was made. But that's just the creator. Other people may have decided that there was significance in it, etc. I can't tell. Because I use myself as a basis for judgement. "Would I put significance in that?" when the true, and often unanswerable question lies in the creator. "Would the creator put significance in that?" It's a sign of individuality. And it means my capacity for empathy is a lot smaller tha I thought :P

631524  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-07-25
Written: (5468 days ago)

Gotta love Bash.org
<KainSularei> I wish that it was possible to edit car honks
<KainSularei> sometimes someone tries to cut me off, but i always see it coming and speed ahead of them
<KainSularei> So I'm thinking I get some LOTR Gandalf bumper sticker on my back bumper
<KainSularei> I'd like to be able to hit the steering wheel and have them hear this booming "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" as I go by

630544  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-07-23
Written: (5469 days ago)
Next in thread: 631046, 672532

w00t. I got assigned this author (Percy Bysshe Shelley) to do some summer assignments on. And guess what? He's an athiest :D I always work well with stuff I disagree with. I was quite pleased to find that his book on 'The Necessity of Athiesm' was rather short. I suppose I'm to draw that they aren't really necessary? Gosh, this is gonna be a snap compared to my AP assignment :D

624762  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-07-16
Written: (5476 days ago)

Minesweeper moved to a higher level o.O
After completing expert in 180 seconds, I checked world records for fastest times. Quickest was 60 seconds, but I ranked about 50th in the charts. Probably lots of people who didn't participate, though. I read through the guide on improving times. Pretty much the same techniques I use, though lots of practice. Then, I read about no-flagging minesweeper. Much more difficult. I'm practicing it right now. Beaten intermediate and beginner with it. It seemed to slow my times a bit, though beginner didn't have much of an effect. I'm working on expert. I think I'll have it soon.

620943  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-07-12
Written: (5481 days ago)

More random stuff. I did these mainly because I was tired of seeing 'condoms' in the second spot. -.-

1. Lotion: Creamy stuff
2. Rubber: tires
3. CD: Final Fantasy
4. Bed: Squishy pillow thingies
5. Paper: homework assignments
6. Run: rivers
7. Candle: Illuminati (o.O)
8. Mouse pad: blue jet
9. Sweatshirt: soft
10. Door: doorway
11. Pictures: flowers
12. Flowers: countryside
13. Deodorant: blue goo stuff
14. Pencil: art
15. Sex: erm
16. Radio: crap music :D

620304  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-07-11
Written: (5482 days ago)

Heh, saw this a few times, I never gave it much thought and shoved it aside as a 'music thing'. Then I decided to do one based on Uematsu's hundreds of pieces :P

Chosen band: Nobuo Uematsu (SquareSoft/SquareEnix)

1. Are you a male or a female: Chasing the Black-Caped Man
2. Describe yourself: Find Your Way
3. How do some people feel about you: A Face Unforgotten
4. How do you feel about yourself: Flowers Blooming in the Church
5. Describe your family: The Sleepless City Treno
6. Where would you rather be: Where I Belong
7. Describe what you want to be: Auron's Theme
8. Describe how you live: Silence Before the Storm
9. Describe how you love: Holding My Thoughts in My Heart
10. Describe what you hate: The Sword of Doubt

619514  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-07-10
Written: (5483 days ago)

Got back from CLI. Feel different. I met many new people. I learned I'm not nearly as awesome as I thought. The top leadership potential people from each of 19 parishes all gather together, it makes you realize that, as good as you may think you are, there are people out there that are even better.
The spiritual high's wearing off about now, but I still have memories of the people, and what happened to me. I'm more outgoing and social now. The only big difference is that I've gained courage in myself, and self confidence. I didn't become better at socializing, I just socialize more. Due to the masses and frequent prayers, I've come muhc closer in my relation with God, which makes me wonder how much closer I could and should get. Further, I'm going to get louder in my faith, and bring it to places people don't want it to be.
I also think that I've been far too arrogant. Perhaps everyone on the non is, too. I'll have to reassess everything with my new perspective, before I can decide. All I know is that I am a happier person now, and greatly appreciative that Christine sent me on the retreat.

615902  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-07-05
Written: (5488 days ago)

Away at CLI (Christian Leadership Initiative). Be back Saturday evening, July 9.

610139  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-06-28
Written: (5495 days ago)

I hate being a teenager. It's unreasonable to get upset at everything for very little reason, to be so moody, and to feel random emotions. It's no wonder teenagers get so depressed, when they can't even figure themselves out. Not to mention randomly feeling inexplicably lonely. Nothing makes sense, and it really bothers me :/

607885  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-06-25
Written: (5498 days ago)
Next in thread: 614195

Being a teenager is probably the oddest years any person ever goes through. It is a time of large change, from a childhood personality into an adult personality. It is a time of much thought and change and mostly improvements, but it is a most troubling period. Horomones and such odd forces that have the ability to influence people in ways that are neither gentle nor relenting. Teenage years seem to be periods of ups and downs, but in reality it is all perspective created by these forces. They do things to a body that can never be easily understood. For me, the process of change is troubling. I sense that something is wrong with me. Or at least, different. Odd sensations and thoughts and disturbances. Right now, as the change has been made, I feel full inside and somehow complete, though I know it is not so. Much resentment is inside, as well as a sense of not calm, but clarity and focus. It feels as if I hated someone and was brooding, though I know that is not the case at the moment. However, recently I found myself very upset over miniscule things. I recognize these things as signs of teenagerism, but I do not appreciate these thoughts intruding into my mind, nor the forces that bring these moods into me. I do not know what to make of them. I can only hope that soon it will all be over and I will emerge as my complete adult self, though technically that can't be for another five or so years. Tumultous years, no doubt. I can only hope I maintain my personality in tact through the end. It is something I do not wish to lose.

603791  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-06-20
Written: (5503 days ago)

(x) = yes, (-) = no, (/) = kinda.
{x} Fallen for your best friend
{-} Made out with JUST a friend
{-} Made out with the same sex
{-} Been rejected
{-} Been in love
{-} Been in lust
{-} Used someone
{-} Been used
{-} Been cheated on
{x} Done something you regret
{/} Considered a life of crime
{-} Considered being a hooker lol
{-} Considered being a pimp
{-} Are you psycho
{-} Split personalities
{/} Schizophrenic
{-} Obsessive
{-} Racist
{-} Obsessive compulsive
{-} Dream of dead bodies, blood, death, and gore
{-} Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them
{x} Understanding
{x} Open-minded
{/} Arrogant
{x} Insecure
{x} Interesting
{-} Hungry
{x} Friendly
{x} Smart
{x} Moody
{/} Childish
{x} Independent
{/} Hard working
{/} Organized
{/} Healthy
{/} Emotionally stable
{x} Shy
{/} Difficult
{-} Attractive
{/} Bored easily
{-} Thirsty
{x} Responsible
{/} Sad
{x} Happy
{/} Trusting
{-} Talkative
{/} Original
{-} Different
{x} Unique
{x} Lonely
{-} Had a bad life
{-} Have a bad life
{-} Dye your hair
{-} Floss daily
{-} Own a web cam?
{/} Ever get off the damn computer
{-} Ever done a drug(s)
{-} Ever drank alcohol
{-} Been suicidal

580493  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (5531 days ago)
Next in thread: 594858

The pieces fall into place one by one. Soon, I shall have a full picture of myself, and understand who I am and what I am to do.
I will write the final piece here, to help me organize myself. I will begin by examining me in a peaceful state, one that I have yet to really attain. Perhaps this way I shall figure out the darker areas of my knowledge and illuminate it all.

My picture of peace is me sitting on a hill, alone, looking out on the scenery below me, with a sinking sun and a reddish tint to the world, and a slight breeze.
What can I divine from this? For one, I find peace in the end of the day in the reddish tint, rather than a bright sunny day on a hill. Happier, at least. Peace at the end of the day, after the work of the day is done. This would mean that I would find peace after the work, and I am supposed to be work before I have peace. Instead, I dream about peace and never really work for it.
Therefore, to attain peace, I would need to work first for it, something that I haven't dedicated myself to. This is the last dark corner of my mind; I could not find peace with myself. Attaining peace will complete my self-analysis at last. This most recent observation would indicate that I've been wasting much time trying to complete my analysis before beginning my work, when I need to begin my work in order to complete my analysis. I have been dawdling, in other words, daydreaming instead of working. It is time to begin.
One resolution that I've made, now, is one that may be a mistake. I've decided to stop caring what anyone thinks about me. At face value, that sounds like it should be common sense, with no drawbacks. Of course I shouldn't worry about that. But then, if I stop caring, am I going to become a reclusive man who doesn't share with other people? If I stop caring, I wouldn't care if other people like me, when I need them to in order to gain their trust and be able to aid them if needed. Instead, I will have to draw a fine line: I will not care what people think of me, as long as I don't become distant from them. Keep my friends close, be open to other people, but be myself. Sorry for all you nonners out there reading this, but this means I'm not gonna be as arrogant anymore, or at all worried about pwnage, or considerate of whether I am superior to others or not. It just isn't me. Don't worry, though, the real me still pwns. Just in a nice way :)

How this 'work' relates to my religion, which is always the center of my life.
God is a very powerful force. He is literally the universe. He is present in everything, drives everything to do things, and binds everything together. He accomplishes this by the Trinity. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit each govern existence.
The Father is the creator, who has the definite power of God. He is omnipresent and omnipotent, and in control of all things.
The Son is the connection between everything and everyone. The most obvious is the connection in Him between God and humanity. He taught us how to act and behave and treat others, and was concerned with promoting peace and charity.
The Holy Spirit is just that. The spirit (or mentality, too) of the Holy Trinity. A word on love: Love is the driving force in the world. Everything is done for love. Hate doesn't get anywhere. Every source of motivation stems from a love for something. Even unhealthy sources of love. Love of money drives many things. Love of other people drives many others.
To hate oneself is physically impossible unless you are really stupid. You either love to hate yourself, or hate hating yourself. In one case, you love hating yourself, and thus bring joy to yourself by hating yourself; you bring joy to the object of your hate, which is illogical. In the other case, you hate hating yourself, and hate yourself just to spite yourself, and this creates a cycle easily broken by saying, "Stop spiting your enemy and you will stop your misery as well."
Thus love is the sole motivater in the world. God's spirit is love. One can easily conclude, then, that God is the driving force of the universe.

This all makes it clear how God is the most powerful force, and employs division of labor to work efficiently at running the universe smoothly, and also how He is the most important being in the universe.

The priest at mass today said this one line: "Getting into Heaven should be your main goal, and nothing should distract you from it."
I disagree with this statement vehemently. I do seek peace, as I stated up there, and will be working for it, but Heaven is my reward for serving God, not my reason. God Himself is my reason. I serve God because He merits it, and in return God supplies me with the strength and will to do it well, and rewards me amply when my work is finished. When I die, I will have eternal peace whether I serve Him well or not. The work is simply for peace of mind, knowing that I at least tried to deserve my reward. Heaven isn't your goal, because it is so perfect that nothing you can do will merit it. It is an impossible goal. Pleasing God, however, will attain it and give you the peace of mind that you did it for the right reason- serving others rather than trying to get something for yourself.

Therefore, my work that I must do in order to obtain peace is not to try and merit Heaven, but to serve God, and unless I actively do so, I will not complete my analysis of myself, to become as perfect as I can become, which, ironically, was a goal of mine so I can become a perfect servant for God. I viewed my perfection goal as a prerequisite to serving God, but now I see that I must serve God to accomplish this goal in order to better serve God.

In order to complete my self analysis, I must work. But in order to work well, I must complete my self analysis.
In order to be as perfect as possible, I must complete my self analysis. In order to serve God well, I must be as perfect as possible. In order to serve God well, I must complete my self analysis.
In order to complete my self analysis, I must serve God.
This circle of impossibilities has troubled me for at least a year. Now, I have sorted them out and decided to serve God as best as possible for now, and the other chains of incongruencies will fall. Then, I can accomplish my main goal- to be the best servant for God I can be.

God's plan: I have verified it's existance now, as all matters I deal with both mentally and in the real world are managed in a timely manner, so one event that precedes another ends up making me better off for the next event. This diary entry here precedes my Confirmation. I didn't know if I'd ever figure out this much of myself, or figure out the loopholes I did, but now I have, just before my Confirmation. The timing of events in my life is more than coincidence, I believe.
 The logged in version 

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