*sigh* I don't know which direction my life's going anymore. Up, down, anything. Give me a sign... Nothing is really wrong with me, but I just don't feel right in my head. I'm pretty happy except for the fact that I have one person who has talked to me this summer and that's Briana. I call one of the people I love the most, we make plans, and I tell her to call, she never does. I make plans with another friend, and they bail too. No one ever calls me and is like "I MISS YOU! Wanna hang out?" Sarah called once, and I know she wanted to see me, but I kinda felt like I was just being used for a ride. I love you to death though squirrel girl. I miss seeing you. But not only you, everyone. Justin, and Renee. Josh and Randall...and to think about it that's the only people I hang out with...or that want to hang out with me. I miss Andre, I miss my friends...you know. You people that used to call me, and tell me you loved me, even if it was a playful thing, I like to believe that you all did. I spend my time reading and sleeping. Not eating much cause I hate the way I look, which is fat. I know it's all in how you carry yourself, but lately I don't give a damn about how I carry myself.It doesn't seem to matter that much anymore. Because there's no one to look. Whatever though I'm just being annoying. L8er much
I don't know what's wrong with me. Josh is pissed at me and says I've changed. I have, but not in the way that he thinks. I don't know who I am anymore. If I am somebody. Am I? I mean I leave church and go sit outside and no one looks for me. No one questions where I am. Except Sarah. Sarah I love you and I thank you so much for being my friend. I really don't deserve to have you...Really. I'm sorry to all the people I hurt and don't hurt. I wish I wasn't in existence sometimes, a lot of times lately it seems. A lot of people wouldn't have to handle the grief and problems I put them through. Josh wouldn't have to feel like he's wasting his time. Maybe he is. Who knows? Not me. Do you? I doubt it. Renee and Sarah wouldn't have to sit there and try to make me feel better. Branden wouldn't have to waste his time asking what's wrong. The question that even I don't know the answer to anymore. I've been thinking more and more about suicide and I can't really say why. Nothing is really wrong in my life, but everything feels wrong. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. When I got home yesterday I planned on running away. Going somewhere that no one knew or cared about me. Going somewhere that the people here wouldn't have to waste time on me. They don't think of it as wasting time...At least most of them don't. Apparently Josh does. See I'm ranting. I do that. But it doesn't matter. The group doesn't exist anymore. At least the group with me in it. I'll never know until I love myself. I thought I did. I don't know. I just don't know. Does anyone know what my problem is? Does it matter? Probably not. No one knows. Maybe I'll see why when I stop escaping my pain. What pain though? Do I really feel anything? Is there really any pain? I can't believe this is goodbye everyone...but it is.