My whole life is falling apart,piece by piece and I don't know how to stop it or to even put it back together. Everywhere I turn, everything I do, something happens. No matter how hard I not to, I just keep falling. Deeper and deeper. I'm lost and don't know what to do. I'm lost and confused and hurt. My thoughts are all over the place. I have so much to do and I don't know where to start and I have so much on my mind that I can't concentrate. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't. But I know I shouldn't give up. But then what can I do?
She knows I'm weak, but she wants to hurt me. She used to be my friend, but right now, all she wants to do is make me suffer for what I've done... I don't know how to stop her. She doesn't want to talk to me, but she'll wave to me when I pass her. She knows that I already have a lot to think about that is hurting me, but she continues to add that on. I'm being crushed by all that is going on in my life. I don't know how much more I can take. I don't. I don't know how much longer I can stand.
I know what I did was wrong, but she's taking it too far. She's punished me enough. I've taken all I can. I'm starting to lose my grip, I'm starting to fall. I have no one left to keep me up, to make me stronger. I've taken all that I can and given even more.
This year is the worst day of my life. Possibly the best friend I ever had and ever will have is really mad at me... I don't want to say why she's mad at me, but I think she is definitely over-reacting. My fiance doesn't think she should even be mad at me. I mean, it could have been a lot worse... I'm a little mad at myself though. I'm so confused... She said she's not going to talk to me, but she she sent me a text message last night. and then one this morning... I'm so confused. I hate this so much.
Today is not a good day from me. First off, Jeff and I had another argument, but this one was pretty bad. I started to cry more towards the end. I had to actually convince him to stay here the whole weekend when he comes to see me this weekend. He actually thought about it... His excuse: he wants to see his family too. The only thing is, he gets to see him family every weekend and he is going to be home for a whole fucking week after this coming weekend. And he only sees me every other weekend and I only get to see my family once a month, sometimes less... He can't "sacrifice" once fucking weekend to see me, his FIANCE. And whenever I convince him to stay the whole weekend he wants to fucking leave early on Sunday. I know he has to get back to school, but he can't give me one good solid weekend to be together... He finally caved after I burst out into tears. But, I shouldn't have had to even convince him. He should have just wanted to. He should have just planned to stay the whole weekend. You know? I don't get it. I can't figure him out. I just can't... This is ridiculous. It really is.
And then when we got off the phone, it hit me that a close friend of my whole family (only 20 something years old) died like a little over a month ago. And I never visited or called him. I mean, I knew he was going to die young, but not during college...
And it also hit me that my dad sold all our cows. You have no idea. We have had cows for probably 10 or more years. And now we have none... I loved looking out and seeing the calves all running around together. One would start and that would get another one going, then the mothers started because they wanted their babies to be safe. It was so fun to watch.
My world seems to be falling apart. My roommate is always depressed and wants to drag me down with her. She tries to control me and my life and I'm not letting her. My dad sold all our cows. And I never get to see my fiance anymore. I miss him terribly. and a lot of the time when we talk on the phone, we fight and it hurts... and I don't have a best friend to confide in anymore. I don't have one this year. Everyone is always too busy. And I miss home. I haven't been home in quite a while. I miss my family.