[Morrigan {Ψ} Your Siren {Ψ}]'s diary

893263  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2006-12-31
Written: (5621 days ago)
Next in thread:

I cut myself today for the first time,
For the first time in 2 years
It felt so good
But I know in the end
I will beat myself up for it
Causing this depression to worsen
Starting a vicious cycle
Of self beatings
And deeper depressions

Why must I torture myself?
Why can I not keep that one promise?
It’s a simple one,
Is it not?

Stress keeps building
And I keep hurting
My loved ones
As I go numb once again

I wish my guilt would subside
So I could hide
The wounds of the blade
The bruises
From the chain

I’m disappointing them again
They don’t say it
But I hear it in their voice,
See it in their eyes

The prodigy,
They said
Emulating my father
Well this is one trait
I could have lived without

The constant battle
To be perfect
To be all knowing
Even though we know it’s impossible
It's the one thing
Keeping me on this reckless path

He yells at me in great disappointment
When I do such foolish acts
Of self mutilation
-Hypocrite
Who was the one
Who tried to hang himself
When his wife got the better job?

However I do not judge,
Because I know the feeling
Of disappointment
And the sting of failure
Digs deep

I understand
Pain does not judge
Pain invokes
Carries and lifts us
To our pride

The pain takes me
To a euphoric state
Where I truly am perfect
No one can take away

It's hard to swallow your pride
And admit the sad truth
When it hits you
With such a hard blow

878247  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-11-23
Written: (5659 days ago)

At the end of the day I stand there
Waiting in the sun’s rays
Yet my face is not glowing
Like it usually does
Instead I stay pale with sorrow
And a great deal of emptiness
That’s usually be filled by you

The sun beams down great warmth
Yet I’m chilled to the bone
By the insecurities
I feel when you’re gone
So I wrap myself up tightly
In my long, black coat
And chew on my nails
Completely oblivious to the world

Longing to feel real again
Longing for my knight
My angel to arrive
I finally understand
Why it's so hard to breathe
The heavy air of reality
Yet so easy to become intoxicated
By insanities lightness

I Wish I could change things
Be there for you
Because I can’t be your everything
And that you can't reassure me
That I’m the only one you see

God I wish I could feel the warmth

878244  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-11-23
Written: (5659 days ago)

The cold air hits my lungs hard
As I take the first breath of winter
As we’re stepping out
And the only thing I can think of
Is you
That same exhilarating
Yet piercing feeling
That I get in my lungs
When talk to you
And it reminds me of last night
Of what I don’t want to lose
I plead to heaven and hell
To let this be mine
For once give me what I need
Give me who I want
For once I want to be the selfish one
I want to be the needy one
I don’t want to be left behind
I will break all of cupid’s arrows
So there is never a single chance
Of losing him
I want to be the only thing he sees
I want him to keep my breath
My lips
My body warm
Even on the coldest of days

878243  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-11-23
Written: (5659 days ago)

She admitted to it
And it hit me hard
She thinks our love probably won’t last
That when I get to Ottawa
I will find an other
Get sick of waiting around for him

But for once her judgment is wrong
For she doesn’t realize our intensity
Our love for each other

Maybe she’s just blind
Maybe she’s being my typical protective Jess
And she’s trying to keep me from getting hurt

However
She is right to a certain extent
On normal circumstances
I would simply try to find someone else

But this time
If I let him go
The void
The hole that will remain
Will not be able to be filled
By anyone else
But him
And that I know for a fact

I had a dream last night
Well… more like this morning
Where I was at the air port
Waiting impatiently at the gates

Peering over the crowd
Scanning the crowd for him
And as more and more people
Flood out of the plane
I got more and more anxious

The last person exits
And still he’s nowhere to be seen
And I have this enormous sadness

Then I feel arms tightly wrap around my body
I turn to look and it’s him
My world
My angel
I feel our souls entwine
That’s how I know she’s wrong

For once
She doesn’t know
Where I’m coming from

878241  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-11-23
Written: (5659 days ago)

And here it goes again
An other outburst
And we’re head butting like two rams
This time it’s worse
This time I feel he’s questioning all of me
As if I’m too stupid to prepare on my own
I understand he doesn’t want me to miss my opportunities
And wants me to be as prepared as humanly possible
But I have done everything I can for the time being
And still he lectures me
Telling me what to do
When I’ve already done it
I just wish for once
He would see
Just how hard I am trying to emulate him
Make him proud by getting straight A’s
And getting into deep psychological conversations with him
Yet he still treats me like I’m five again
And it angers me
So I scream at him
And he yells back
I finally take the door
And run off to my second home
My grand parent’s home
But when I get there
There’s no one there
I’m sitting in a house alone with my thoughts
My demons
Creeping within the shadows
Engulfing my thoughts
Turning them to insecurity and judgment
Who have begun coiling around me tight
I look down to my neck where my choker sits
As the voices screech and plead for me
To stop my breath
I lock myself in the bathroom
And let myself go
The chain hanging from the door knob
As I blissfully fall into an oxygen deprived hallucination
Where all I see is anger and hate flooding
The color red surrounds me
And my angel arrives to cure it all
To Will it all away
Just as fast as I fall into my temporary comatose state
I fall back out
To reality
To my satisfied demons
When I return home
Every fiber of me wants to say “I’m sorry”
But I can’t let him win
Not when he’s chooses to ignore me
My efforts
My attempts to emulate him
I know he sees them
I just want him to tell me
Is that too much to ask?
My marks
As dark as they are
Don’t draw their attention as I had hoped
I can now go back
To my fake state of sanity

878239  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-11-23
Written: (5659 days ago)

No one believes it
But this hateful little girl
This damnation of God
Has fallen fast
Fallen hard
For this Angel of death
This creature
This being of complex vision
One that only he and I
Can begin to comprehend
His many layers
Many words need not be spoken
For I already hear them
Feel them coursing through my veins
I no longer need to fear my burdens
I bring upon myself and others
For my angel gives me a great sense of courage
Immortality almost
I feel that he will for ever be there to protect me
Even though the distance between us is great
He keeps my demons locked up
Far away
So they may never harm me again
It has made me sane
For the most part
My angel has replaced the demons in my mind
Now he lurks in the many shadows
Of my thoughts
Protecting me from my other half
I no longer fear the serpents
That are insecurity and judgment
Coiling around my body
And when my angel will finally be sitting tall
With great pride on his thrown
Beside his queen
We will no longer feel any more pain

878238  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-11-23
Written: (5659 days ago)

Tense
Frustration
Nervous pace in my breath
As I wait for the phone to ring
The first words you whisper
Make my skin creep
Hearing your murmurs of simple words and laughter
Gives me the satisfaction
To say that if I was to die today
I would rest blissfully
In my shallow grave

You reassure me that someone actually cares
It makes me tremble.
Sometimes I ponder taking my own life
Just to make sure
I would have never lost you

And late at night
When I know our time is up
I can fall asleep
Knowing that someone
Somewhere
Feels the same way about me
As I do for them

In those last parting words
I faintly drift
To a world
That encases you and I

758630  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2006-03-05
Written: (5922 days ago)
Next in thread: 772494

Oh how I yearn to feel the comfort of the blade against my skin, to help me cope with the loss of you’re voice calling my name. Let the pain restore my sanity, my happiness, my reason for being, like you once did. I feel unwanted, by simply over thinking things, making things seem worse than what they really are or assuming negativity. How I wish I could know what’s going on in your head, where I stand, rather than feeling nothing, a nobody, a pathetic little insignificant speck in the canvas of your life. My mind tries to make me think that you think of me as much as I think of you, however, my other half pulls me down, telling me how pathetic I am for even thinking that I mean something to you, making me realize the reasons why you would forget me, why I would be nothing to you, why you would see me as the pathetic little being who hides deep inside of me. The pain helps me take control, subside all the thoughts to keep my sanity a hole, even if for just a short time.

724156  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-12-30
Written: (5987 days ago)

Rise together the beasts of the shadows,
Fear you must swallow.
In the flock’s murder
Mended forever together.

As heaven descends,
The demons murder will rise,
And we hear their call.

In humanity’s brutal fall
Damnation and blasphemy leads
The path to reconciliation that feeds
The crows, which have flown to pay their dues

609776  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-06-27
Written: (6173 days ago)

After weeks of attempting to understand the string theory, I came up with this...

What if all crazy people aren't really there and all it is, is sane people’s subconscious making them up, thus making sane people crazy. Then would that means that no one really exists?

This theory is also thanks to lack of sleep.

596981  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-06-13
Written: (6188 days ago)

Fuck you all
Who thought I couldn’t make it
Fuck the world
You’d might as well embrace it
No one needs to know me
Stop pretending to care
Fuck my feelings
I no longer need them there
Everything in life is perfect
When you’re in your little bubble
Made from the lullabies of denial
As for me,
I live in what we call the real world
Where truth and disappointment
Lingers in the air
The confusion in myself
Never seems to fade away
It grows stronger with each day
And in proving myself wrong
I then grow a little stronger
My skin a little thicker
But my scars store the painful memories
That have been stitched in my mind

570716  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-05-07
Written: (6225 days ago)

Me and a few of my friends wher doing some... i guess you could call it free style and this is what i came up with
My Sister

I had a sister
She was very, very small
And I had a brother
Who was very, very tall.

(Chorus)
Burn in hell you fucking jackass
You fucking sat on her
You killed my fucking sister
Don’t ever fucking come back
Or I’ll punch you so hard I’ll give you whiskers
You fucking ate my cat

I have a sister
She’s very, very small
And we killed our mother
Because she had big balls

(Chorus)

My brother came to visit
Just the other day
I shoved a pitch fork in his ass
And told him to get the fuck away

(Chorus)

I no longer have a family
I’m very, very sad
I butchered my own father
I’m very, very bad
But I don’t regret it
It was my revenge
For my little sister
Who is very, very mad

(Chorus 2x)

570715  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-05-07
Written: (6225 days ago)

I should be dead,
Nailed down,
Resting my head
‘Cause I can’t hear a sound,
Spinning me round.
Crying out,
Filled with doubt,
I should be repressed
I’m in distress,
Pleading for life,
Waiting for death

No one can hear me,
Week and dreary,
What’s the use?
For there is only,
Pain and abuse
What can only be
A memory
That would be me
Our bodies are simply doors
To our broken souls

All of the misfortunes and doubt
What the fuck’s it all about?
Suicide and died
Kill
It’s now a thrill
Abuse
Has a use
Society has changed
Soon we’ll all be the same

I should be dead,
Nailed down,
Resting my head
‘Cause I can’t hear a sound,
Spinning me round.
Crying out,
Filled with doubt,
I should be repressed
I’m in distress,
Pleading for life,
Waiting for death

Love and hate
Life and death
When one begins
The other will end
Fate brings us here
To live in fear
Luck won’t save you now
Worlds crumble
Just like sand
Hearts are broken
When placed in my hand
My mind races
As they pass me by
I keep my cool
‘Cause they are not better then I
They can not steal my sanity
At least not for now

I should be dead,
Nailed down,
Resting my head
‘Cause I can’t hear a sound,
Spinning me round.
Crying out,
Filled with doubt,
I should be repressed
I’m in distress,
Pleading for life,
Waiting for death

When death is all you feel
What’s the use in being alive?
Trapped in a prison
Of thoughts that where broken
And dreams that have died
I want to forget
Forget all the screams
And the lies
Create the pain
Kill me in vain
Let the blood pour down
Suffocate and drown
In the sea of the dead
I’m losing my head

I should be dead,
Nailed down,
Resting my head
‘Cause I can’t hear a sound,
Spinning me round.
Crying out,
Filled with doubt,
I should be repressed
I’m in distress,
Pleading for life,
Waiting for death

515493  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-03-07
Written: (6285 days ago)

My art is my life, and my only love and that will never change, unless I get my arms chopped or wroped off in some freek accadent or have to get them amputated, and with my luck, that doesnt sound too far fetched to me. I know that after I write this, there's going to be a million people tell me that I'm too negative or something of that genre, and will ask me what's wrong, but since I'm not one to like talking about my feelings, they will stay inside me, eating at me until they slowley but surley take my life, and I know I'm going to have a bunch people come to me and tell me that I don't have to let my problems do so and that they can relate but unless you've had the exact same things happened to you by pople that wher as close to you as they wher to me and if you cared about those people and knew them, or thought you knew them as well as you thought I did, you really can't relate, because every experience is diffrent, nothings ever the same for 2 people so if you think that you can come and preach to me and tell me that your life was the same, you had the same problems, just don't bother. My problems are my own I need to work them out on my own, I don't want to burden anyone with my problems when they have problems of their own. I'll do what I know how to do best. Now leave me in peace and let my problems and insecurety dig my grave

511670  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-03-03
Written: (6290 days ago)

I don’t understand, I feel like everything around me is going to shit, everyone I care about seems to forget me or is mad at me, I'm afraid of my insecurity that is suffocating and will soon kill me, I can't think straight I'm worried all the time, I'm afraid of what's to come, I want to be numb, I no longer want to hurt, I'm sick of being scared and alone, I'm sick of being cornered by all my thoughts. I need some clarity, but I can't seem to find any, when I talk about it, I'm short of breath, in pain, I just want it to end...

288112  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-07-15
Written: (6520 days ago)

No one would care
If I where to shed a tear
If I screamed out in pain
They wouldn’t even hear
I don’t want to be surrounded by lies
Each time they look into my eyes
They don’t see the pain,
They can never understand


288098  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-07-15
Written: (6520 days ago)

I'm sitting here with a blade in my hand
Maybe I should...
No... Not maybe... I will...
No one cares anyways...

282468  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-07-11
Written: (6524 days ago)

I miss being happy... no one talks to me... no one cares... why does everyone I care about make me disappear from they're life I feel separated, no alienated from everything... I'm ditched all the time... at least I still Have Jess and Jordan..... Through it all we where always there for each other (Jordan)... you where always there to cheer me up (Jess) Love you..... But even though I still have them I still sometimes... no most of the time alienated... I guess it’s just me... I seem to push everyone away...

271372  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-07-01
Written: (6535 days ago)

I'm sick of life, sick of breathing, I hate having to wait for everyone but they never seem to come, my life is a drag, there’s never anything to look forward to or be happy about, i sit in my room or in the basement, searching through my past, remembering what friends where like, everyone’s always to busy to talk to me, either they're jobs witch is reasonable, or they're boyfriends who will end up hurting them or something like that, I hate watching everything I care about forget me, no one ever calls, no one ever even thinks of coming to se the one person who was always there for a helping hand.... I just want to forget it all...

262415  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2004-06-21
Written: (6545 days ago)
Next in thread: 262427, 442823

this poem doesn't have a title and its not verry good in my opinion...

Back to the start
Where it all began
With one man
And his one true love
No tears,
No pain,
No secrets,
Just two hearts connected
Two souls bound
Two people that will not be separated,
Even by death

One day,
As they walked down the street
She was hit by a bullet in the chest
Puncturing her heart

Hold me close and never let me go
She wheezes
As the pavement is painted with blood
Dying in his arms
Tears stream down his face
With that one last eternal embrace
He kisses her and pulls out a ring
Will you be my bride?
With her last ounce of strength
She replies
Y...e...s
He places the ring on her lifeless finger
And kisses her cheek
Looking at her
And grabbing his pocket knife
I made a promise
And stabs his chest

Black and red
Stained and beaten
He will never let her go
They will be together
Statues forever
End
By: Rebecca St-Pierre

173461  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-03-21
Written: (6637 days ago)

The note

If I may if I might
Stab myself with this knife
If I slit my wrist tonight,
And walk towards the light
Will you forget me,
Or will I be a cherished memory?
Will you hate me?
I hope you will forgive thee?
I love you
Surely true
I want you to know this
Sealed with a kiss
It was not your fault
You did not bring my life to a halt
Everyone else pushed me
Just look and see
The world is a cruel place
That will never again see my face
Farewell
I shall see you in hell
END
By: Rebecca

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