[Balthizar]'s diary

1105081  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2009-12-24
Written: (3960 days ago)

The new year is coming.
Anyone else understand why i'm upset?

1104994  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2009-12-23
Written: (3961 days ago)

Going to go to bed.
With hopes for dreams.
of memories of the past.
Of happier days.
Because they bring a smile to my face.
Even if I am the only one.
Who smiles over them.

1104993  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2009-12-23
Written: (3961 days ago)

I know what I want for christmas.
not that I can get it.
But for now.
I'm settling for how someone is making me feel.
That I'm importantt o them.
Even though its not the most important.
Its making me happy.
i can be content with life for now.

1104980  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2009-12-23
Written: (3961 days ago)

I remember.
When I was happy.
You were happy.
And everyone was happy.
Can we get the happy back?
Who stole my happy? >(

1104886  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2009-12-22
Written: (3962 days ago)

*vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent*

1104797  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2009-12-21
Written: (3963 days ago)

One of those moments.
You need someone.
And there is nothing.
But the voice of your own mind.

1104780  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2009-12-21
Written: (3963 days ago)

Last night reminded me of why I don't go to dances.
*sighs*
I want my happy high back..

1104631  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2009-12-20
Written: (3964 days ago)

I hate.
People who turn their backs on those they love.
I hate.
People who make others feel guilty.
I hate.
Spoiled rotten, selfcentered, bitches, brats, assholes and piss ants.
I hate.
Liars, cheaters, whores, assholes, jerks.
I hate.
Every piece of scum that makes my friends cry.
I hate.
Every of shit, that somehow manages to get a good person to love them.
And treats them like shit.
I hate.
Rotten, spoiled kids, who don't know how to comprimise with their parents, and when they throw a fit, hit me with heavy objects.
I'm in a foul, rotten pissy mood.
I'm in no mood, to deal with feeling guilty, or like shit.
I'm in no mood, to deal with petty drama, or assholes, or spoiled bitches.
or to be thre for people, because the one they are with is a PoS.
I'm shaking.
I have a nose bleed.
My head is throbbing.
And its hard to see at the moment.
I'm fucking livid.
Full throttle, brutally pissed.
And I have no fucking problem, snapping at anyone.

1104489  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2009-12-18
Written: (3966 days ago)

*sighs*
Night all.

1104278  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2009-12-17
Written: (3967 days ago)

Awesome. Just awesome.

1104277  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2009-12-17
Written: (3967 days ago)

Awesome. Just awesome.

1104242  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2009-12-16
Written: (3968 days ago)

should have just gone to work sick.

1103448  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2009-12-11
Written: (3973 days ago)

*frown and hits head against the wall*
Mer.

1102372  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2009-12-03
Written: (3981 days ago)

And that.
Is a wrap.

1102140  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2009-12-01
Written: (3983 days ago)

There are just some things.
A person needs to hear.
and I really need to hear.
Those things.

1102072  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2009-11-30
Written: (3984 days ago)

Lave it to nightmares, to make you feel worthless.

1102032  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2009-11-30
Written: (3984 days ago)

My migraine is killing me.
Maxxtol failed.
Annoyed at aspects of life.
1. I have to go in for more blood work.
2. I'm still freaking single.
3. There is an odd pain in the back of my head. Its not like the other pains.
4. I got no sleep last night.
5. I get the feeling I'm nto getting anything for christmas. :/
6. Other then coal.

1101810  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2009-11-27
Written: (3987 days ago)

*sits down,before slowly curling up*
You ever have one dream.
One silly hope.
That deep down, you knew would never come true.
But it was nice having.
Just because it was all you had?
You ever have that one dream, that one silly hope.
Taken from you?


I thought I would like it here.
And I do.
I have a great job.
But..thats all I have.
The people I stay iwth..their so loud, they fight all the time and I'm always stressed.
I'm not sleeping. If its not nightmares, its my headaches.
I'm always depressed.
I feel utterly alone, un appriciated, and not very important, at all.
I'm not asking for passionate love.
Just love.
I'm not asking to be someones whole world.
Just a star atleast.
Something important.
To hear it..
I don't maybe.
Maybe I'm asking too much.
Maybe I'm expecting too much.
I mean, I've wanted it but..I've never really asked for it before coming here.

I don't want next year to come.
It will mean alot of things for me.
A new year without any family.
A whole year of being single. Again.
the fact that after a few months in this new year.
I"ll probley lose my best friend.
This New Year will probley be whenever I find out whats wrong with me.


Last week, on a wensday I had off.
I visited a friend of mine.
Shes a military doctor.
And, it wasnt an oficial diagnosis ( Being as well, we were at her home)
Well..Apartment untill her bf moves in. Then they'll be getting home.
But anyways.
She listened to me describe it. We talked in depth on how long I've had them, where the pains were, how often they were around. I told her about the 3 times now they've put me on my knees crying the pain was os bad.
And I didnt like what she had tot ell me.

And I really don't want to go pick out a physician this saturday.
Who will then begin the process of finding out whats wrong.
I don't want to know anymore.

I really am a mess arnt I?
People who don't really know me.
say they seem me as this strong, well mannered, optimistic person.
Whos always smiling, and can take on anything. Physically or emotionally.
Deep down inside...I'm a scared little kid in a room, whos walls are cracking, and water is leaking from the ceiling. And there is something outside my door, and I pray to whatever being is outthere, that the monster never realizes my door is unlocked.
thats what I see of myself when I look in.
A scared little kid who acts strong, because thats what his loved ones need.

Soon it won't matter though huh? I won't even have them soon enough..

1101786  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2009-11-26
Written: (3987 days ago)

who and what are you greatful for in life?
Maybe you should tell them.

1101691  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2009-11-26
Written: (3988 days ago)

-A vowel, a sound, a word if you please. Something, anything this silence, its killing me. Apart from the lies, the street of broken dreams. Give me some hope, that I can spread my wings and dream. Give me a reason to be more then what I am. I need a reason to rise. A reason to breathe. Give me a chance, the possibility that just maybe, we can be more then what we are.

1101686  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2009-11-26
Written: (3988 days ago)

Everyone knows.
But no one says.
Everyone sees.
But no one hears.
Everyone thinks.
But no one acts.
Everyone this.
No one that.

 The logged in version 

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