[Dark Oleander]'s diary

990005  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-11-06
Written: (4303 days ago)
Next in thread: 990109

so im kinda really hoping to get out of our apartment now....there is something else here, its kinda creepy it threw a bottle of baby oil onto the floor...im kinda thinking now that that may be the reason me and him have been so pissy, bc everything is fine when we're not at home idk the baby isnt letting me out of her sight she keeps looking over to the corner of the house where the cd player is and she cries when shes near the couch, ive had to take her outside more than once today to calm her down....im kinda worried about it, but if this thing gets any worse im taking the baby and going to someone elses apartment....wow its so interesting when its not happening to you

988144  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-10-31
Written: (4310 days ago)

ok i have completely given up, i just dont fucking care anymore any one have any ideas on how to just for get about all of this shit, maybe if i find a way out it wont be so bad...if i leave he will either try to find me or he will make my life hell there is nowhere i can go that will be far enough away from him....i dont even have anywhere to go, i need to go to college first then i can leave him, that way i know i will have a job and not have to worry about looking for one if i move somewhere....i want to go very far away to another state somewhere where only people i care about know where i am and the people i dont want to know dont know...im thinking about leaving tonight but the only place i have to go is to my moms house and he will go there to get me....hes so possessive and controling and he only thinks about himself, like if he wants to know something he wont stop until he "get it out of me" i tried to talk to him tonight and what i had to say doesnt matter to him, he was trying to change the subject which pissed me off and then he told ME that i was being mean to him and getting pissed at him for STUPID SHIT....hello hes the one that does that shit to me and its completely fine when he does it...just like everything else he does he can do it but i cant....it fuckin sucks....the sooner i can get into school the better off i will be....or unless someone wants to give me 1070 dollars for school so i can get away from this shit...but i dont see that happening honestly i dont but i got myself into this shit and i will get myself out of it even if it means that he will make my life miserable

its so funny he thinks he has me scared of him and that i will do what he tells me to well i can act pretty damn good considering that he does think that....i listen to him but i dont do what he tells me to i will not let someone like that run my life its just retarded....he always tells me that i should talk to him and not keep things from him because we are married....well i think that this experience has shown me that I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED FOR A REALLY REALLY LONG TIME, IF I EVER GET MARRIED AGAIN THAT IS...
i just have to deal with his shit for a little longer, just until i get done with school.....which hopefully i will be in school in march....grr well im tired and i want to go to bed but that disgusting creature is in there too

984715  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-10-18
Written: (4322 days ago)
Next in thread: 984753

so yeah...my birthday was on the 14 and i kinda have to say that it sucked besides tilie and sam showing up....

oh and me and him got into a huge arguement again, but this time i told him that i was leaving. That changed everything its so funny though i mean how can 2 words mean so much to someone? i hate him but i love him at the same time, and because i love him i gave him another chance should i have no probably not but that will be my mistake if/when he fucks up again....im trying to let him change on his own, but i dont know if i should trust it. how can you

i dont know do i want to stay with him? or am i just making excuses to leave him? im so confused and its not fair

oh and not to mention i feel so fat i look at myself in the mirror and i dont think i see myself, ive never weighed or even looked like this, i hate myself for it i know that there are things i can do to fix it but when you live in a crappy neighbor hood with crack heads and god knows who else you kinda dont want to leave your house im scared to and we have 420 days until we get on post housing, i dont know what to do hopefully we move into different apartments and i get a dog so i have to make myself get out of the house and walk him....

grr why does everything suck right now...

974570  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-09-09
Written: (4361 days ago)
Next in thread: 974643

im beyond the point of giving up, i dont know what to do any more,everything i say or do is wrong...i dont even know who he is any more, he has been acting so different and i dont know why, ive been rude to him just because i dont know what to do, being nice to him only leads to him walking all over me...i doesnt admit to anything that he does...he says that hes tried to talk to me and pay attention to me but he really hasnt hes got it in his head that what hes doing is ok...he has been playing his video game since 330 and be getting off until 700 and at 800 he get back on...thats all he does but according to him thats not all he does...oh im sorry he takes out the trash and pays bill but the only reason he pays bills is because he doesnt trust me to do it....im just waiting for him to leave in december, hes also talking about giving me an allotment when he leaves which means hes going to give me a certain amount of money each pay check its like he doesnt trust me with anything...hes even worried that im going to cheat on him and as a result of that he doesnt want to go to iraq...i dont like how he talks to the baby, he treats her like she older than she really is telling her to shut up and that she will get in trouble if she doesnt, he gets mad when she cries and he doesnt know what to do about it and he gets up set when i know what to do...well if he would spend more time with her he would know what to do...i really dont know how much longer i can take it, im doing my best to not just leave right now, he keeps pushing me to the point to where i just dont care any more...he can say what ever he wants to hell he can do what he wants to...i just dont care any more...

972149  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-08-31
Written: (4370 days ago)
Next in thread: 972157

well im just so sick of all of this, im tired, i dont feel good, im not getting the attention i should be getting from my husband, i tried to talk to him about my problems and he tells me that im fine and pretty much that i just want attention. im to exhausted to argue back but i really didnt want to start on him with the whole sex thing, hes always asking for it, its like he has to have it or he will die, and he says that im the one that needs attention hes the" one that needs it more than i do...like my mom told him i dont need him i may want him around but i really dont need him around", but i guess im just trying to make him feel special which he should be doing to me, but he doesnt really try to, its just kinda yeah whatever he really expects me to tell him everything that i want or need, so if i just want to cry in his arms i have to tell him before i do it kinda thing or he will ask me whats wrong and when i say "nothing" he gets all upset at me and tells me that i dont talk to him and he doesnt understand why...well sometimes i just dont want to talk i want to cry first then talk....

oh and not to mention when i get upset and start to cry he get mad and tells me that i need to stop acting like a child...all because i was crying and wouldnt talk to him for a little bit...

955471  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-07-06
Written: (4427 days ago)
Next in thread: 955472

so yeah i'm kinda sick and tired of the way my husband acts, i never should have married him in the first place, or made the 1 mistake i said i would never make. hes selfish, self centered, conceited, he still talks to his ex and deletes all the texts that they send to each other, he has more girls on his myspace than guys.. hell he has twice as many as i do guys, he doesnt like it when i go see my mom, i cant go anywhere with out him, i dont have any friends because he thinks that they are all just "white trash", he has called me that before too. and thats just the beginning....he expects me to clean everything and and he doesnt have to do a damn thing, he barely takes out the trash as it is, he refuses to was dishes or pick up most of his messes in the living room, and when he wants sex and i tell him no he complains and bitches until i just cant take it any more. i honestly dont know what to do with it, im also kinda stuck because if i leave him they will take away my military id and i cant get on base where my parents live, so i have to find away for that to work or get the military to let me keep my id somehow.....

949510  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-06-18
Written: (4444 days ago)

so yeah reading sami's diary on here made me realize that what she said is true...there is no one person for everyone its just the person you want to be with at the time. it sucks but its life, and again life sucks....i hate mine probably just as much as any other person, but i found out that you cant do things for other people just do them for yourself and that way you just make yourself happy and you only, you cant make other people happy its impossible....i gave up on making other people happy and if they dont care that i tried then they wont miss me not trying any more...i wish i could write more but i cant in fear that someone i dont want reading this will come home and see it, this site is something only people from waco know about for me, i dont know anyone here that uses it besides me.

652250  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-08-23
Written: (5108 days ago)

ok well i for got that i had this song and i happened to come a cross it the other day and i believe it....the song is called all my friends by say anything....and read the lyrics and think if your "friends" do that to you, because i know some who do it to me.



They're turning away from me
Backstabbing places they roam
My friends are just neighbors
That steal from me when I'm not home
I am so damn trusting I do not see their malice
In this blackened wonderland I am the darkened Alice
Sometimes I can't fathom why everyone's so two faced
So I'll just backstab them back to get them back in their place

All my friends are enemies
And they just turn their backs to my face
their actions biting me
And all my friends are enemies
So I'm always on my own

I'm the ball, they're batters
They're climbing social ladders
I'm left at the bottom
On my goodness
they're fatter
Sometimes I remember the days when friends were loyal
Instead they backstab me
I'm falling down so royally

All my friends are enemies
And they just turn their backs to my face
their actions biting me
And all my friends are enemies
So I'm always on my own

Always on my own

All my friends are enemies
And they just turn their backs to my face
their actions biting me
And all my friends are enemies
So I'm always on my own

I'm always on my own
Always on my own
On my own
On my own

635932  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-07-30
Written: (5132 days ago)

[Car Underwater-Armor For Sleep]
Believe the news, I'm gone for good.
Call off the search, no one will know that im down here
Believe the note i left for you
You can't turn back the clocks, you can't pull me up from here so don't even try


I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is i would still die for you.


Make time slower, give me longer.
It's too late for me, no one will know that im down here.
believe youre dreams of me sinking
so far, below, you can't pull me up from here so don't even try.


I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is i would still die for you.


Leave it up to me. to burden you again.
This ones not your fault. Please forgive me.


Leave it up to me. to burden you again.
This ones not your fault. so forget, so forget, so forget me.


don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
just let me go.


I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is i would still die for you.


i would still die for you
and i would still die for you...


A small simple safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs and dries and flakes and heals
And I am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight
I want the pain of payment
Whats left but a section of pigmy-sized cuts,
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill and spill over and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cryout to the cutter
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart
Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife!
[The Used: "Fake]


[Suger,were goin down- Fall Out Boy]
Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week
Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song
(A notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song)
Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team
We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it
We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it
Is this more than you bargained for yet
Oh don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet
Wishing to be the friction in your jeans
Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song
(Notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song)
Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team
We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it


[Rain-Breaking Benjamin]
Take a photograph,It'll be the last,Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,I don't have a past,I just have a chance,Not a family or honest plea remains to say,Rain rain go away,Come again another day,All the world is waiting for the sun.
Is it you I want,Or just the notion Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around
Safe to say from here,Your getting closer now,We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be
Rain rain go away,Come again another day,All the world is waiting for the sun.
To lie here under you,Is all that I could ever do,To lie here under you is all,To lie here under you is all that i could ever do,To lie here under you is all,


[Part of Duality- Slipknot]
I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice


[(parts of)Take it away- the used]
Im lying to myself
And this dagger is my excuse
I'm apalled
I should have paid up
And I left an hour late
I was laid up
And I hate light
You know I hate light
Dont make it look so pretty burning
And I've lost all doubt
In a chemical romance
I guess I'm bitching
At the thoughts of tarnished hope
It's kind of funny
The only feeling
I?m not in love
You know it?s not love
Don't make it look so pretty burning
Brothers and sisters
I'm right here with you
Cause everyone's got one
I started to kill me
I'm so apathetic in my resentment
Living, loving, knowing this...


[Hawthorne heights-Niki FM]
lets go down now
into the darkness
of your thoughts
hurry up now
we're waiting for
us to fall
fall to pieces now (fall to pieces)
a broken mirror (fall to pieces)
and your life
the silence in black and white
falling forward as she walks toward the light
RIGHT NOW
i'm outside of your window with my radio
i sleep with one eye open so i can see you breathing (i sleep with one eye open)
i follow your chest bone (so i can see you breathing)
some saw that i can see you, i can hear you breathing....exhale
the silence in black and white
RIGHT NOW
i'm outside of your window with my radio
RIGHT NOW
i'm outside of your window with my radio (wishing you could be there)
i'm outside of your window with my radio
you are the only station
you play the song i know
you are the song i know


[Hawthorne Heights- Ohio is for lovers]
Hey there,
I know it's hard to feel like I don't care at all.
Where you are and how you feel.
Put these lights off as these wheels
keep rolling on and on. (and on and on and on...)
Slow things down or speed them up.
You're running now for way too much. (and on and on and on...)
Or you are not gone.
And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes. (Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonite and die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.
Spare me just three last words.
"I love you" is all she heard.
I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.


[My heart is the worst kind of weapon-Fall Out Boy]
spent most of last night
dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes
sell me out, the jokes on you
he is salt and you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you into the worst situations
i'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go
but you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat
your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
rather ones that just don't care
cause i know
that you're in between arms somewhere
next to heartbeats where you shouldn't be asleep
now i'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me
take your taste back
peel back your skin
and try to forget how it feels inside
you should try saying no once in a while
oh once in while [X2]
and did you hear the news
i could dissect you and gut you on this stage
not as elequent as i may have imagined
but it will get the job done
you're done
every line is plotted and designed
to leave you standing on your bedroom windows ledge
and everyone else that it hits
that it gets to
is nothing more than collateral damage
take your taste back
peel back your skin
and try to forget how it feels inside
you should try saying no once in a while
oh once in a while [X2]


[BYOB system of a down]
Why do they always send the poor
Barbarisms by Barbaras
With pointed heels
Victorious victories kneel
For brand new spankin' deals
Marching forward hypocritic and
Hypnotic computers
You depend on our protection
Yet you feed us lies from the tablecloth
Everybody's going to the party have a real good time
Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine
Kneeling roses disappearing into
Moses' dry mouth
Breaking into Fort Knox stealing
Our intentions
Hangers sitting dripped in oil
Crying freedom
Handed to obsoletion
Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth
Everybody's going to the party have a real good time
Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine
Blast off
It's party time
And we don't live in a fascist nation
Blast off
It's party time
And where the fuck are you?
Where the fuck are you?
Why don't presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?


(all of fall out boys cds and the songs on them)
["Fall Out Boy's Evening Out With Your Girl"]
Honorable Mention
Calm Before The Storm (Old Version)
Switchblades And Infidelity
Pretty In Punk
Growing Up
The world's not waiting (for five tired boys and a broken down van)
Short, Fast, and loud
Moving Pictures
Parker Lewis cant lose (but im going to give it my best shot)


["Take This To Your Grave"]
Tell that mick he just made my list of things to do today
Dead on arrival
Grand theft autumn (where is your boy)
Saturday
Homesick at space camp
Sending postcards from a plane crash (wish you were here)
Chicago is so two years ago
The pros and cons of breathing
Grenade jumper
Calm Before the Storm
Reinventing the wheel to run myself over
The patron saint of liar and fakes


["My Heart Will Always Be The B-side To My Tougue [Ep]"]
My heart is the worst kind of weapon
Its not a side effect of cocaine. i am thinking it must be love
Nobody puts baby in the corner
Love will tear us apart
Grand theft autumn (where is your boy) (acoustic)


["From Under The Cork Tree"]
Our lawyer made us change the name of this song so we wouldnt get sued
Of all the gin joints in all the world
Dance,Dance
Sugar,were goin down
Nobody puts baby in the corner
Ive got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (summer song)
7 minutes in heaven(atavan halen)
Sophmore slump or comeback of the year
Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my shame friends
I slept with someone in fall out boy and all i got was this stupid song written about me
A little less sixteen candles, a little more "touch me"
Your a concrete boy(do your part to save the scene and stop goin to shows)
XO


EVERYONE IS SO FULL OF SHIT!!!! Born and raised by hypocrites. Hearts recycled but never saved. From the cradle to the grave. We are the kids of war and peace from Anaheim to the Middle east. We are the stories and disciples of the Jesus of Suburbia, land of make believe and it dont believe in me AND I DONT CARE!![-GreenDay *Jesus of Surburbia pt III*]


Ill be just fine pretending im not, Im far from lonely and its all that ive got.[the used]


If we cut out the bad well then we'd have nothing left like i cut up your angles yeah you stabbed me to death. Ive lost my head you couldnt come this lust to my brain almost feels like a gun. [The Used *Cut up angles*]




635930  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-07-30
Written: (5132 days ago)

well, as elftown is being gay and making us shorten our descriptions im going to transfer some stuff from my description to my diary....hahaha
this would be a conversation between me and my friend...its kinda funny or at least i think so
sabrina : b
sabrina : a
sabrina : c
sabrina : k
sam : coolness
sabrina : i'm fixing to go pour some everclear in me orange juice.....brb
sam : ok...
sabrina : back again
sam : cool
sam : dont get too drunk
sabrina : hehe
sabrina : i'll try
sabrina : nah jk
sabrina : i wont
sabrina : i didnt pour too much
sabrina : enough for about half a shot
sam : yeah dont drink too much of that stuff it should only take you 2 or 3 shots to get you drunk...maybe one
sabrina : okie diddily dokie o......and it would only take one.....but u dont drink everclear with shots that would burn like a motherfucker
sam : well i meant shots with something else in them like orange juice
sabrina : bleh.....the aftertaste of alcohol
sam : its so good
sam : NOT
sabrina : it's not too bad, but bleh
sabrina : i'm going to chug it
sam : u do that
sabrina : ugh, i did
sabrina : nasty
sabrina : haha
sam : lol
sabrina : i just got the heeby-jeebies
sabrina : whoa
sabrina : wow
sabrina : i'm buzzedk
sabrina : buzed*
sabrina : damn
sabrina : buzzed
sabrina : there we go
sam : lol
sabrina : hey look a bug!!! *squish* HAHAHAHA! ooooo.....look......a dead bug
sam : yeah
sabrina : coolio
sabrina : i think im beginning to get a little more than buzzed
sabrina : if i shake my head it's like slow motion
sam : i knew it....i told you
sabrina : woot
sabrina : haha
sabrina : but i'm okay
sam : u sure?
sabrina : yep yep yep
sabrina : wait wait wait......told me what now?
sabrina : not to get tot drunk
sabrina : haha...tot
sabrina : i mean too
sabrina : oh no! my foots asleep
sabrina : ahhhhh
sam : stupid
sabrina : shut up goober
sabrina : so hows was your day/
sabrina : ?*
sabrina : *how
sabrina : wait wait
sabrina : so, how was your day?
sabrina : ok, that was a wonderful answer
sabrina : samantha is a llama
sabrina : yeah thats right a llama
sabrina : she eats worms
sabrina : and practices Buddism
sabrina : and likes exotic men
sam : lol....funny
sam : i really mean that
sabrina : and swims in the nude
sabrina : and impales her victims with spoons
sabrina : she also has a friend named bob
sabrina : who feeds her salt
sabrina : and m&ms
sabrina : with peroxide
sabrina : at night
sabrina : in her car
sabrina : with jesus
sabrina : and air fresheners
sabrina : lalalalalalalala
sam : hey i have to go...mother said so...and u do know that most of this conversation is goin on elftown
sabrina : oh no!!!
sabrina : bad llama
sabrina : !!!!!
sabrina : bad
sabrina : B
sabrina : A
sabrina : D
sabrina : hi mother
sam : later sabrina
sabrina : bye
sabrina : o.O
sam : bye
sabrina : yippee

635212  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-07-29
Written: (5133 days ago)
614146  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-07-02
Written: (5160 days ago)

4.love is when you miss him even before he leaves. when you listen to him talk all nite and never tire of his voice.when the sound of his name gives you chills down your spine.and you see his smile the second you close your eyes.

6.i ran up the door shut the stairs said my pajamas and put on my prayers. i turned off my bed and jumped in the light all because you kissed me goodnight.

9.when i first saw you i was afraid to talk to you. when i first talked to you i was afraid to like you. when i first liked you i was afraid to love you. and now that i love you im afraid to lose you.

12.she asked him if he thought she was pretty and he said no. she asked him if she was fat and he said yes. she asked him if he wanted to be with her forever and he said no. she asked him if she walked away would he cry and he said no. that was it she'd had enough so she turned to run away but he grabbed her arm and said,*your not pretty, your beautiful, the only thing fat about you is your heart, i dont want to be with you forever i need to be with you forever, and i wouldnt cry if you walked away i'd die.

14.once upon a time somthing happened to me it was the sweetest thing that could ever be. it was a fantasy, a dream come true it was the day that i met you!


606402  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-06-23
Written: (5169 days ago)

i do believe this is one of the funniest things ive ever heard

OMG i had a girl over the other night, and my mum went out to go shoping, and came back with a packet of condoms and gave them to me when she came in

thats not the bad part

bad part is that she had the same company / type and size that i always buy -.-
THEN, she went out to work, and we were going at it in my bedroom (we got condoms, y not eh? ) and my mum got home, and we didn't notice, untill she walked in
and she goes
"oh, so sorry, dinner's ready, just come down when you're done...."
and walked out -,.-

588106  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-06-01
Written: (5191 days ago)
Next in thread: 588399

totally found this...i think its cool...bla bla bla


Goth is actually much more than the sum of its parts, and, depending on who you ask, you can get a bewildering array of contradictory answers, many of which are valid parts of a much larger subculture. It is more than a label or description. Goth is at once a lifestyle and a philosophy that has its roots firmly embedded both in the historical past and the present. 

The central Ideal that characterizes Goth is an almost compulsive drive towards creativity and self-expression that seeks to reach out and ensnare its audience using our current society's covert but deeply rooted fascination with all things dark and frightening. This act can be either subtle and seducing or nightmarishly terrifying, but it must play on what society secretly knows but can not acknowledge to itself about its duality. The mediums of self-expression and creation can be anything from a mode of dress to novels or music. Imagination and originality have always been key elements in Goth. 

As a lifestyle, Goth is as diversified as its adherents. There really is no true unifying stereotype or dress code as it were. Not all Goths are depressed, nor do they all wear black, listen to the same music, or employ the same modes of self-expression. This tends to make Goth-spotting a little tricky and creates part of the tangled confusion over what it is to begin with, but this diversity also is one of the defining factors. 

So how does one identify a real Goth if they are all so different? Now we reach part of the heart of the counterculture! You see, as mentioned earlier, one of Goth's defining characteristics is the need to take the underlying darkness that is in all of us and bring it into the light in such a way as we can recognize it as what it is-an integral part of all of us, for better or for worse. 

To better understand what Goth really is, it is essential to know where it came from. It has been with us for much longer than the label we have given it. This is a subculture that has appeared, flourished, then died, only to rise again in many eras and in many societies. Its adherents have always been the young intellegensia, frustrated and bored by the parent culture. The parent cultures were usually restrictive, highly stratified into rigid caste structures, and intolerant of diversity in schools of art and thought. Because of this, nearly every manifestation of this particular type of counter-culture was greeted with suspicion, hostility, and sometimes active aggression on the part of its parent culture. Only rarely was this brand of subculture welcomed and allowed to flourish, as it was during the Italian Renaissance. 

Goth, as we currently know it, has its roots in Western Europe and North America during the late seventies and early eighties. The counterculture was, and still is, dominated by dissatisfied youth hailing from the middle classes, which were at that time just entering a new period of prosperous stability. The children of these newly wealthy were left, unlike their parents, with a strong feeling of instability and lack of identity. They were unable to reconcile the new values their society was trying to impress upon them with their newly fragile sense of self. The tightening lines of social restructure were separating them from their accustomed peers in both the upper and lower classes. 

Responding to the confusion and theft of identity, a few of the brightest and most creative children of these newly prosperous families began to create their own social structure. It was a counter culture based on a synthesis of historical elements, leaning heavily on dramatic traditions, philosophies, and schools of thought such as were popular in Byronic England, World War Two Germany, and American Beat. After spending some time with no real name for themselves many dubbed themselves New Romantics while others just called themselves Deathers then swiftly settled on Gothic as the counter culture grew and became more stable. 

Always more than a little bipolar in nature, Goth split into two distinct factions, one Appolonian and the other Dionysan in its approach, by 1981 when it had reached its peak. Each faction was a personification of the mixed fear and fascination the Goths felt for the darker side of their parents' legacy of materialism, elitism, and false sense of moral superiority. The difference lay in their ways of expressing their sense of alienation and abandonment. 

The more Appolonian faction were mainly concerned with the artistic and philosophical facets of Goth. They were, for the most part, fairly non confrontational in their means of self-expression. They were in most cases all but obsessed with the act of creation and the appreciation of literature, art and music. A number of them attempted to legitimize their subculture in the eyes of the parent culture with very little success. Because they were regarded as harmless, if morbid dreamers, they were tolerated. 

The more Dionysan faction of Goth passionately embraced the more hedonistic and sometimes self-destructive facets of the movement. Their contributions to Goth were more ephemeral and less easy to define in traditional terms as creativity, but still were vibrant with the haunted, dark spirit of the counter culture. Some of the more prominent Goth musicians and thinkers belonged to this faction. Being more confrontational in their self-expression, they were regarded by the parent culture as dangerous and undesirable. 

The modern stereotype of Goth is a twisted caricature of the more Dionysan faction that captures its decadence and tendency towards self-destruction while entirely missing its subtle artistry and depth, not to mention the entire point of Goth as a whole. 

By 1987, both factions of Goth had almost completely vanished, absorbed back into the parent culture as their members were forced to accept conformity to ensure individual survival as adults. A marginal percentage of the original Goth community were able to adapt to adult life remaining essentially and visibly true to themselves, while still managing to keep the income necessary to maintain the rising price of living in the style to which they had become accustomed. By this time, the new generation of disaffected youth had already begun to imitate what they perceived of the Dionysan Goths. They had embraced the dark and dangerous style of dress and felt that the lonely, arrogant music was written just for them. The stereotypical lifestyle was adventurous and daring enough to spark their already bored and world-weary imaginations. 

The "kindergothen" were met by rejection and almost knee-jerk disapproval by their parent culture and the remainders of the Goth community alike with almost no exceptions. Those few original Goths who tried to embrace the new groups were usually met with cold hostility and anger by those who had already either been rejected by others or had heard of the rejection. The schism between the Olde School and the new was widened even more by the labels of "Poseur" and "Faux Goth" that were bandied between the sides. 

By the nineties, the artistry and philosophy that drove the Goth culture had been by and large replaced with attitude, posturing and dress code. The few remaining Olde School Goths and their protégés had gone underground and were not a part of the new rise of Goth, refusing to have much to do with what they considered shallow, inarticulate upstarts that paid to much attention to what the media thought was Goth. They saw the new Goth as little more than a group of image driven drug addicts that had nothing better to offer than a dress code and a bad attitude. The New School's opinions of the originals wasn't much better. 

In the last few years, both Olde School and New have embraced the Internet. It has become both a medium for self-expression and a battleground between them. Oddly enough, the advent of easy access to the W3 has revealed in the New School an increased drive towards the creativity and self-expression that the Olde School Goths hold in such high esteem. The New School Goths, or Goffs as many of them have begun to call themselves, have become more like the originals than either side of the schism seems to wish to admit. Hopefully this trend will continue to thrive on the Web, bringing fresh blood and a new outlook to Goth's grasp on the dark undercurrents of our society's imagination. After all, the sweetest of flowers always did have a tendency to rise from the darkest and least savory of soils.

572145  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-05-11
Written: (5213 days ago)
Next in thread: 572738

im so tired of the drama......why do people have to get in other peoples business? its not like you can change them....but you can make their lives a living hell...which some people like to do to me.....and i just love it....well i hope everyone is happy....and i hope to GOD that i will not be here next year.....and i will be writing or callin everyone i know to tell them where im goin.......just to see who has the last laugh......fuck school....its gay and i promise you that if i didnt have to go to school...i wouldnt go.....cuz its that gay.......well....im gone back to what ever it is im doin....which is nothing

571201  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-05-09
Written: (5214 days ago)

IM NOT GOIN OUT WITH MY BOYFRIEND TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM
IM NOT GOIN OUT WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR HIS MONEY
IM NOT GOIN OUT WITH MY BOYFRIEND BECAUSE OF WHO IS DAD IS
.....LETS SEE WHAT ELSE IS THERE....OH YEAH
WHAT EVER DAVID SAID ITS A LIE
whatever no matter what i say or what i do..everyone is gonna think what they want to...so i give up...think what you want...its not like me repeating over and over that something isnt true if youve got it stuck in your head that it is true then its never gonna change even if i have proof that it isnt true.....fuck high school i cant wait til i leave

566764  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-05-02
Written: (5222 days ago)

im so sick of it all....ive been thinkin about a lot today and i just cant take it....school has gone to shit..it to where i dont even what to go anymore...and its not just waco high it school in general....and then i think about the world and what its gonna be like for me...and its going to be shit too...so why bother....you spend money on college and for what? to get an education? so you can get a job? and then you get old and retire then you die....yay...isnt that awesome? fuck no....its shitty..i wish there was more to life than that..and what i thought life was gonna be like isnt what i wanted it to be....why live? why be here to put yourself through all of the pain the world dishes out? its not worth it......all im saying is..is that there is no point in us being here.....any of us...all the world is...is a bunch of assholes who thing they know what the fuck there doing.....they dont no one does and they just need to stop.....stop careing....stop trying to make the poor people do everything to pay for everything...ill admitt i have no money for anything and im lucky if i even get to do most of the stuff ive done already....i dont understand it....the more i think about it the more i dont want to be here....there is a song that says....(Look what were doin to the atmosphere. It's no wonder the kids drug themselves to get out of here.) and well dont you think its true? we have to drug ourselves to get away from it all....to get away from everything..everything we dont want to see everything we dont want to hear.....fuck all of this fuck the world fuck america and its people fuck you......i want out of everything i want to take back everything ive ever said to everyone i want to take back some of the stuff ive done i want to take back moving here i want to move....i want out of school....waco has been the worst thing ever for me and i really need to leave here....i never did drugs i rarely drank i didnt smoke and then i moved here and look what happened to me....my entire life has gone to shit....im failing school i have people who hate me i hate a few people and i used to be nice to everyone..what happened? is it the drugs? probably not and if i keep living like this then i probably will do something i will regret....ive been so close to doing some drugs that i said id never do...but someone has stopped me from doin them...fuck this...



this is a song by STUN its called Movement
the space between our bodies has been corrupted The people that make the laws and rules for us They dont give a fuck about us Our hearts are being bought Our minds are being washed We must interuput We are just a moment away. Look what were doin to the atmosphere. It's no wonder the kids drug themselves to get out of here. This perpetual motion is killin our emotion. So the rich can make a dollar Make another dollar.We are just a moment away IF its not everyone Then it will be no one

566491  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-05-01
Written: (5222 days ago)

i give up....thats simply it...im tired of it all..i dont care about myself anymore well i do to an extent but not really..i could do anything i want to, to myself and i wouldnt regret it or even care.........its stupid and gay but i really dont care anymore....all i want to do is to drink as much as i can and smoke as much as i can......but truthfully all i want is someone who cares about me...i dont even have that...i guess when i do find that someone then ill be ok but for not...my life is shit.....its not worth bein here to be honest...i just dont want to be here...i want to leave and never come back....thats how i feel right now....i feel like dying...right about now....and i just cant help it...i try to think all happy but how can you when you have nothing to be happy about? i hate myself, i hate myself, i hate myself.........bye

565061  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-04-30
Written: (5224 days ago)

SUGAR, WERE GOIN DOWN-FALL OUT BOY

Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week
Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song
(A notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song)


Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team


We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it


We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it


Is this more than you bargained for yet
Oh don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet
Wishing to be the friction in your jeans
Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song
(Notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song)


Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team


We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it
[X2]


Down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it


We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it


We're going down, down (down, down)
Down, down (down, down)
We're going down, down (down, down)
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it


We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it

 The logged in version 

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