Current mood: weird
Ok so this morning I woke up and immediatly had to rush to the bathroom, where I leaned over the toilet and started retching from hell. I don't know if it has to do with yesterday or whatever but I think I know what caused it. The nightmare I had.
Ok so in my nightmare, I was just getting off the bus and it looked like it was gonna rain, you know all gray and cloudy like, and I walked home from the bus stop like always, and I walked in the house...No one was in the living room, no one in my brothers room, no one in my room and my parents door was locked. Ok, this is weird. Well I just passed it off and got on the computer, well it started getting late so I figured I'd see what was up. I knocked on my parents door and received no answer, for almost an hour. Well I finally decided to go and get a knife to try and open the door, and I finally got the door open. There's my parents, one on the bed the other in the chair, with their skin all wrinkled and green like they've been dead for a while, but I just saw them 8 hours ago all fucking alive in their own little glory shits. So I freaked out and shut the door. I went into my room and went to my bathroom, there's my brother on the floor looking like he's just been pushed through a fucking cheese grater, blood everywhere and his eyes are nailed to the other door. So I freaked out again and got the phone to call 911 but when I picked up someone said "Don't even think about it. Just stay there and you'll stay alive." So I live in this fucking house for like a week with my dead family in the 2 rooms I go in the most, and no clue where my dogs are. All of a sudden they come back to life and start chasing me like they're trying to get a hug or whatever and I'm just running away screaming and all of a sudden I run into my room and there's some guy in there I don't know and he turns around when I come in and just slits my fucking throat and I'm laying on the floor dying while he's raping me, with my un-dead family pounding on the other side of the door.
What the fuck inspired this creepy ass shit I wonder? It was all in full blown out color sometimes but it kept switching between color and black and white, and I distinctly remember the green cloud that was in my last nightmare being in this one. I know that dreams mean things, especially color dreams but what about when it's flashing back and forth between the two?
So anyways I woke up like right when I was supposed to for school, and started retching over my toilet, and then I left a little later than I'm supposed to for the bus and I stepped in (lo-and-behold) dog shit. I stopped to scrape it off and the fucking bus went by. What a great motherfucking day, considering I don't even want to go in my room so I can go back to sleep and that's when you know something's wrong, when I don't want more sleep than I've had. Normally I'm asleep right now, it's still my 1st period at school, but no I'm writing this. Fucking-Whoop-
Okay so this guy Casey, he's like my brother, but he was dating my best friend Jessi, well he made Kim, Jessi's sister, and also my sister, walk about 3 miles in the cold, wearing flip flops and a tank top at about 8 or so at night, completley dark outside. Well we told Kim's boyfriend, Larry and him and his friend Daniel took it upon themselves to mess with his car. They gutted the drivers seat, smashed the drivers rearview mirror, poured beer all over his seat, smashed out his taillights and stuffed the film from a VHS tape into his muffler and put nails behind his tires. Drama, Drama, Drama! That was actually just last night and this asshole guy named Shannon was hitting on me, UGH!! I am 15 he is 27, EWWW. And to make matters worse he tried to grab my ass, and he would not stop, sure he was drinking but 2 beers isn't going to make you drunk, and he is not a light weight, so I've decided not to hang out with him anymore. I also told my boyfriend, and my not-so-secret girlfriend about it and they both flew off the hinges and said next time he makes a move like that, he's dead.
Im sorry everyone, apparently some people cannot be happy with me the way I am, and Im sorry I cant be everywhere at one time, Im sorry it seems like I dont care, Im sorry I cant help all of you with your problems, Im sorry I cant fix anything, Im sorry I am who I am and Im sorry I cant change, I cant help but be me and Im sorry for that, If I could I would change myself to fit everyones needs but I cant and again Im sorry for that too, Im sorry I cant be perfect in your eyes, Im sorry I cant be the good child every day, Im sorry I do all the things I do, Im sorry Im alive, Im sorry I cause so much misery and pain, Im sorry I cant help it, Im sorry Im crying as I type this, Im sorry I cant hold it in and be emotionless like some of you, Im sorry Im soft hearted, Im sorry I cant take the pain, Im sorry Im suicidal, Im sorry for thinking about that right now, Im sorry thats where my mind went first, Im sorry I cant be what you want me to be, Im sorry I cant spend every second of my life with you, Im sorry I make you angry, Im sorry I make you cry, Im sorry Im antisocial, Im sorry I have so many problems, Im sorry Im so fucked up, Im sorry it seems like I want attention, Im sorry for makeing you read this, Im sorry for everything and if I had the power no one would have to be sorry, but apparently it seems thats the only thing I deserve in life, is to be sorry for everything, Im sorry I thought about cutting myself, Im sorry I tried to call, Im sorry I cant help but be imperfect, I cant help but be sorry that I am the way I am, Im sorry everyone, Im sorry for thinking that maybe, just maybe I should take away everyones problems by solving my own. Behavioral problems for the parents, emotional problems to my brother and sister and my friends, Im sorry that I have to be sorry, I try, I really do but nothing seems to make a difference to anybody and I try to be responsable, I try to do good, but it seems that all anyone ever notices is the bad I do, I stay out too late, I drink, I smoke, I have anxieties, Im fat, Im ugly, I never do anything good for anyone, I suck in school, I dont like to be social, I dont like to dress up, I cant help it, Im sorry everyone, Im so so sorry, but if things keep going like this......Im sorry!!!!!!!!!