[Mortified Penguin]'s diary

1164509  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2014-02-07
Written: (77 days ago)
1164014  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2014-01-09
Written: (106 days ago)
Next in thread: 1164015, 1164017

"Mortified Penguin" was a reference to a terrorist in Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow. That just didn't seem like the kind of username I should have if I want to be the brave, kind hero that Elftown needs. This new one should work much better!

(Hey, it's still better than [Sir Soapy] was at least.)

1163856  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2013-12-25
Written: (121 days ago)
Next in thread: 1163872

Ha ha, this old diary was about getting drunk and violent and stabbing myself to death:

I started my novel, but couldn't finish it, because my laptop broke:

The young writer sat down to begin work on his novel. After only a paragraph, frustrated and deciding that writing a story about a writer writing a story was a stupid and unoriginal idea that only an unskilled writer would write, he angrily ripped up the first page of the story he had written. He soon realized that he had been using a laptop to write and had made a terrible mistake in ripping his first draft. With no easy way to write, he had to turn to the refrigerator for his second draft, which proved to be cold and delicious. He felt he was losing his edge, so he sharpened his pencil and started one last time, his mind finally filled with thoughts and colors and graphite.


Merry Christmas! :D

1163855  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2013-12-25
Written: (121 days ago)
1162436  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2013-09-28
Written: (209 days ago)

I know what you're thinking, you've seen just about every interesting member of Elftown featured, but what about Mortified Penguin? Strangely enough, Mort is one of the few people that haven't been featured! What an egregious oversight by the crew. But, by simply visiting Featured Member and nominating Mort, you could make a difference! What do you really know about Mort? Nothing, hopefully. So, nominate him today and learn more about Elftown's resident helper and good Samaritan. Find out new and interesting facts about the penguin with a heart of gold and balls of steel. And don't forget to visit Bob's Diner and take advantage of our cheap steak! It's really drunk right now and totally giving it up to just about anyone.

1161495  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2013-07-25
Written: (274 days ago)
Next in thread: 1161496, 1161692

One week into year one of my awesome beard. Shit is about to get intense.

1160133  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2013-05-15
Written: (344 days ago)
Next in thread: 1160187

You. Bob's Diner needs more comments. Y u no comment?

1158283  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2013-03-13
Written: (408 days ago)
Next in thread: 1158289, 1158335, 1160213

<img:http://i.imgur.com/9ZLDasv.jpg>

1149176  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2012-04-02
Written: (752 days ago)
Next in thread: 1149184, 1149185

I made a new friend today. I roped him in with my charm and wit. He's great and he has such a well-rounded personality. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say we're going to hang together sometime. I'm just choking up over how fun it'll be. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haa... *eats ramen*...

1148484  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2012-03-07
Written: (779 days ago)
Next in thread: 1148508

I started my novel, but couldn't finish it, because my laptop broke:

The young writer sat down to begin work on his novel. After only a paragraph, frustrated and deciding that writing a story about a writer writing a story was a stupid and unoriginal idea that only an unskilled writer would write, he angrily ripped up the first page of the story he had written. He soon realized that he had been using a laptop to write and had made a terrible mistake in ripping his first draft. With no easy way to write, he had to turn to the refrigerator for his second draft, which proved to be cold and delicious. He felt he was losing his edge, so he sharpened his pencil and started one last time, his mind finally filled with thoughts and colors and graphite.

1147646  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2012-02-13
Written: (802 days ago)
Next in thread: 1147653, 1147655, 1147657

Damn it, Lilo! Stop making me think people want to talk to me and then telling me it's some jerk's birthday! That cat fools me every time...

1146898  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2012-01-25
Written: (821 days ago)
Next in thread: 1146902, 1146921, 1147667, 1147668

I'm holding auditions for the new [Mortified Penguin]. Please leave your resumes on my desk.

1145758  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-12-31
Written: (846 days ago)

<iframe width="1000" height="500" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/G0k3kHtyoqc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen>


Edit: What is this nonsense? No iframes in diaries?!

Just go here then, dagnabit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0k3kHtyoqc
1145757  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-12-31
Written: (846 days ago)

Friends and Enemies


"I must emphasize again that merely thinking that compassion and reason and patience are good will not be enough to develop them. We must wait for difficulties to arise and then attempt to practice them.

And who creates such opportunities? Not our friends, of course, but our enemies. They are the ones who give us the most trouble. So if we truly wish to learn, we should consider enemies to be our best teacher!

For a person who cherishes compassion and love, the practice of tolerance is essential, and for that, an enemy is indispensable. So we should feel grateful to our enemies, for it is they who can best help us develop a tranquil mind! Also, it is often the case in both personal and public life, that with a change in circumstances, enemies become friends.

So anger and hatred are always harmful, and unless we train our minds and work to reduce their negative force, they will continue to disturb us and disrupt our attempts to develop a calm mind. Anger and hatred are our real enemies. These are the forces we most need to confront and defeat, not the temporary "enemies" who appear intermittently throughout life.

Of course, it is natural and right that we all want friends. I often joke that if you really want to be selfish, you should be very altruistic! You should take good care of others, be concerned for their welfare, help them, serve them, make more friends, make more smiles. The result? When you yourself need help, you find plenty of helpers! If, on the other hand, you neglect the happiness of others, in the long term you will be the loser. And is friendship produced through quarrels and anger, jealousy and intense competitiveness? I do not think so. Only affection brings us genuine close friends.

In today's materialistic society, if you have money and power, you seem to have many friends. But they are not friends of yours; they are the friends of your money and power. When you lose your wealth and influence, you will find it very difficult to track these people down.

The trouble is that when things in the world go well for us, we become confident that we can manage by ourselves and feel we do not need friends, but as our status and health decline, we quickly realize how wrong we were. That is the moment when we learn who is really helpful and who is completely useless. So to prepare for that moment, to make genuine friends who will help us when the need arises, we ourselves must cultivate altruism!

Though sometimes people laugh when I say it, I myself always want more friends. I love smiles. Because of this I have the problem of knowing how to make more friends and how to get more smiles, in particular, genuine smiles. For there are many kinds of smile, such as sarcastic, artificial or diplomatic smiles. Many smiles produce no feeling of satisfaction, and sometimes they can even create suspicion or fear, can't they? But a genuine smile really gives us a feeling of freshness and is, I believe, unique to human beings. If these are the smiles we want, then we ourselves must create the reasons for them to appear."


- His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama
1145721  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2011-12-23
Written: (846 days ago)
Next in thread: 1145728, 1145733

One week anniversary. <3

1143876  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-11-05
Written: (902 days ago)
Next in thread: 1143878, 1143886, 1143888, 1143890

Hey, you people that know things about art and junk. Gimme suggestions on how to arrange the text in this thing:

<img50*0:http://elftown.com/stuff/aj/152909/1320465076.jpg>

And the text has to be Helvetica, by the way.

1143585  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-10-29
Written: (909 days ago)
Next in thread: 1143586

I haven't used this advertisment since 2009:

"Hello there! I'm a spokesman for Bob's Diner. Do you like breathing? Do you sometimes eat food? Have you been known to sleep at night? ...well, we can help you. Breathing, eating, and sleeping are all clear signs of LIFE. LIFE (Living In Fear of Everything) is a common disease. At Bob's Diner, we do our best to help rid you of LIFE. So, I must implore you... If you want to get rid of your LIFE, just come on down to Bob's Diner today. Thank you for your time..."

1143468  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-10-26
Written: (912 days ago)
Next in thread: 1143469, 1143475

Dear Diary,

Today has been the second most day of the week. It all started this morning, as most days do. So, there I was. Where? There, keep up. I done told you already, stupid. Stop interrupting. Anywho, there I was. My phone started screaming at me, so I made the conscious choice to wake up (always a good choice to make). I got outta bed and put on my clothes. Or somebody else's clothes. Whoever left their clothes in my chair is the person whose clothes I am wearing. At least, they were probably my clothes. I don't remember putting my roommate's wallet and keys into my 3-sizes-too-big jeans though. At least, not since he and/or I maxed out his credit card last month. Weird.

Anyway, I angrily kicked down the door and exited my room, casually choke slamming my RA to the floor as I headed for the elevator. I pushed the button and waited for the door to open. When it finally did and I got in, do you know what I saw? Go on. Take a guess. That's right! The inside of an elevator. I pushed a random series of buttons and eventually made it to the first floor, where I exited my dorm.

Upon stepping out into the bright, sunny sunlight, I was taken aback by its shear radiance or something stupid like that. I started slowly strolling to class, twirling my nun-chucks as I skipped merrily along. I soon realized that it was difficult to stroll so slowly while merrily skipping, so I stopped and skipped violently instead. It's kind of like merrily skipping, but a lot more violent, you see.

Eventually, sixteen hours later, I made it to class. My teacher was busy whining about some nonsense, "Stop talking! Sit down! Put your phone away! Put your pants back on! Please, for the love of God, don't shoot!!" Whine, whine, whine. Big baby. I slapped him a couple of times and class began. Something about integers was said and I left for my next class. I decided I would first hit up the Chick-fil-a in the HUC for some second breakfast. I got my standard sandwich and fries and complimentary wasp nest and went to pick up my drink. And, oh mon Dieu (pardon my fucking French), them sumbitches didn't have any Passion Fruit Sweet Tea! This obviously enraged me, so I punched a nearby girl right in her dick. She fell to the floor whining about something, "Stop kicking me! Not the face! OH GOD, DON'T PUT THAT IN THERE!!" Whine, whine, whine. Big baby.

After that, with my Passion Fruit Sweet Tea in hand (it was hidden behind a fat chick, lolollol), I left for my next class, disposing of my food in the nearest trash receptacle (my mouth). My next class was about grass or computers or something lame like that. My professor was crying in the corner, so I taught the class for the day, like usual. When I finished filling all the young minds with my massive knowledge and/or genitals, I boarded my submarine and flew quickly into the sky, which is, no doubt, a subtle and witty metaphor for snorting cocaine off of a dead hooker, who I shortly thereafter disposed of in the nearest dumpster (my mouth), and, if you're wondering, the lecture I gave was about run-on sentences and how they're necessary for any good narrative.

I don't remember where I was at and I don't feel like re-reading what I've written, BECAUSE READING IS FOR NERDS. So, I guess I'll conclude, unless I've already done that. I don't really feel like concluding though, so I'm just going to hope I already have and leave it at that. EAT A DICK.

With love,

[Mortified Penguin]

P.S. - Pick up 2% milk.

P.P.S. - Actually, make that 98% milk. Why would I waste all that money for just 2% milk?! What a rip off! That's practically water!

P.P.P.S. - Nevermind, I don't want any milk.

1143253  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2011-10-20
Written: (918 days ago)
Next in thread: 1143254

Haw haw haw. My life is great (other than the fact that [iippo] ended her relation with me some time ago). Why does everyone else have so many problems? Is it because I'm better than everyone else?

1141701  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2011-09-11
Written: (957 days ago)
Next in thread: 1141712, 1141739

Elftowners
ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)
Y U NO LOOK FOR THE KEY UNDER THE MAT?

1144601  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 1999-09-09
Written: (882 days ago)

I wonder...

 The logged in version 

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