I know what you're thinking, you've seen just about every interesting member of Elftown featured, but what about Mortified Penguin? Strangely enough, Mort is one of the few people that haven't been featured! What an egregious oversight by the crew. But, by simply visiting Featured Member and nominating Mort, you could make a difference! What do you really know about Mort? Nothing, hopefully. So, nominate him today and learn more about Elftown's resident helper and good Samaritan. Find out new and interesting facts about the penguin with a heart of gold and balls of steel. And don't forget to visit Bob's Diner and take advantage of our cheap steak! It's really drunk right now and totally giving it up to just about anyone.
One week into year one of my awesome beard. Shit is about to get intense.
You. Bob's Diner needs more comments. Y u no comment?
My boyfriend and I crossdressed at a lingerie party last night. I wore a skirt and he wore his new dress (but he didn't wear his pink fox tail with it :( ), but they both eventually came off, of course. And then we were just in our panties (mine were cuter) and the police were all like "blah blah blah public indecency, blah blah, release the hostages" and we all had to go back inside and quit being naked in public and drinking and shouting at traffic at 2AM for some reason. And the original Mort, being the cheap bitch he is, poured some cheap tequila into his bottle of Patron to impress chicks. Then I drove a sports car. It was just a new, 2011 RX-8 though, nothin' too fancy. I just thought you should be informed of all this, creepy person reading my diary (Goddamn you, Sunrose!).
Point being, it was the best party since the one the night before. At that one, from what I've been told, I apparently I got wasted, took a bong hit, and then pissed in my boyfriend's floor. FUCKING CARPET WOULDN'T FLUSH, MAN.
And I've lost like 40 pounds this year. Severing that leg was the best decision I've ever made and I stand firmly by it! Er... lean firmly by it...
I made a new friend today. I roped him in with my charm and wit. He's great and he has such a well-rounded personality. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say we're going to hang together sometime. I'm just choking up over how fun it'll be. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haa... *eats ramen*...
I started my novel, but couldn't finish it, because my laptop broke:
The young writer sat down to begin work on his novel. After only a paragraph, frustrated and deciding that writing a story about a writer writing a story was a stupid and unoriginal idea that only an unskilled writer would write, he angrily ripped up the first page of the story he had written. He soon realized that he had been using a laptop to write and had made a terrible mistake in ripping his first draft. With no easy way to write, he had to turn to the refrigerator for his second draft, which proved to be cold and delicious. He felt he was losing his edge, so he sharpened his pencil and started one last time, his mind finally filled with thoughts and colors and graphite.
Damn it, Lilo! Stop making me think people want to talk to me and then telling me it's some jerk's birthday! That cat fools me every time...
I'm holding auditions for the new [Mortified Penguin]. Please leave your resumes on my desk.
"I must emphasize again that merely thinking that compassion and reason and patience are good will not be enough to develop them. We must wait for difficulties to arise and then attempt to practice them.
And who creates such opportunities? Not our friends, of course, but our enemies. They are the ones who give us the most trouble. So if we truly wish to learn, we should consider enemies to be our best teacher!
For a person who cherishes compassion and love, the practice of tolerance is essential, and for that, an enemy is indispensable. So we should feel grateful to our enemies, for it is they who can best help us develop a tranquil mind! Also, it is often the case in both personal and public life, that with a change in circumstances, enemies become friends.
So anger and hatred are always harmful, and unless we train our minds and work to reduce their negative force, they will continue to disturb us and disrupt our attempts to develop a calm mind. Anger and hatred are our real enemies. These are the forces we most need to confront and defeat, not the temporary "enemies" who appear intermittently throughout life.
Of course, it is natural and right that we all want friends. I often joke that if you really want to be selfish, you should be very altruistic! You should take good care of others, be concerned for their welfare, help them, serve them, make more friends, make more smiles. The result? When you yourself need help, you find plenty of helpers! If, on the other hand, you neglect the happiness of others, in the long term you will be the loser. And is friendship produced through quarrels and anger, jealousy and intense competitivenes
In today's materialistic society, if you have money and power, you seem to have many friends. But they are not friends of yours; they are the friends of your money and power. When you lose your wealth and influence, you will find it very difficult to track these people down.
The trouble is that when things in the world go well for us, we become confident that we can manage by ourselves and feel we do not need friends, but as our status and health decline, we quickly realize how wrong we were. That is the moment when we learn who is really helpful and who is completely useless. So to prepare for that moment, to make genuine friends who will help us when the need arises, we ourselves must cultivate altruism!
Though sometimes people laugh when I say it, I myself always want more friends. I love smiles. Because of this I have the problem of knowing how to make more friends and how to get more smiles, in particular, genuine smiles. For there are many kinds of smile, such as sarcastic, artificial or diplomatic smiles. Many smiles produce no feeling of satisfaction, and sometimes they can even create suspicion or fear, can't they? But a genuine smile really gives us a feeling of freshness and is, I believe, unique to human beings. If these are the smiles we want, then we ourselves must create the reasons for them to appear."
One week anniversary. <3
I haven't used this advertisment since 2009:
"Hello there! I'm a spokesman for Bob's Diner. Do you like breathing? Do you sometimes eat food? Have you been known to sleep at night? ...well, we can help you. Breathing, eating, and sleeping are all clear signs of LIFE. LIFE (Living In Fear of Everything) is a common disease. At Bob's Diner, we do our best to help rid you of LIFE. So, I must implore you... If you want to get rid of your LIFE, just come on down to Bob's Diner today. Thank you for your time..."
Today has been the second most day of the week. It all started this morning, as most days do. So, there I was. Where? There, keep up. I done told you already, stupid. Stop interrupting. Anywho, there I was. My phone started screaming at me, so I made the conscious choice to wake up (always a good choice to make). I got outta bed and put on my clothes. Or somebody else's clothes. Whoever left their clothes in my chair is the person whose clothes I am wearing. At least, they were probably my clothes. I don't remember putting my roommate's wallet and keys into my 3-sizes-too-bi
Anyway, I angrily kicked down the door and exited my room, casually choke slamming my RA to the floor as I headed for the elevator. I pushed the button and waited for the door to open. When it finally did and I got in, do you know what I saw? Go on. Take a guess. That's right! The inside of an elevator. I pushed a random series of buttons and eventually made it to the first floor, where I exited my dorm.
Upon stepping out into the bright, sunny sunlight, I was taken aback by its shear radiance or something stupid like that. I started slowly strolling to class, twirling my nun-chucks as I skipped merrily along. I soon realized that it was difficult to stroll so slowly while merrily skipping, so I stopped and skipped violently instead. It's kind of like merrily skipping, but a lot more violent, you see.
Eventually, sixteen hours later, I made it to class. My teacher was busy whining about some nonsense, "Stop talking! Sit down! Put your phone away! Put your pants back on! Please, for the love of God, don't shoot!!" Whine, whine, whine. Big baby. I slapped him a couple of times and class began. Something about integers was said and I left for my next class. I decided I would first hit up the Chick-fil-a in the HUC for some second breakfast. I got my standard sandwich and fries and complimentary wasp nest and went to pick up my drink. And, oh mon Dieu (pardon my fucking French), them sumbitches didn't have any Passion Fruit Sweet Tea! This obviously enraged me, so I punched a nearby girl right in her dick. She fell to the floor whining about something, "Stop kicking me! Not the face! OH GOD, DON'T PUT THAT IN THERE!!" Whine, whine, whine. Big baby.
After that, with my Passion Fruit Sweet Tea in hand (it was hidden behind a fat chick, lolollol), I left for my next class, disposing of my food in the nearest trash receptacle (my mouth). My next class was about grass or computers or something lame like that. My professor was crying in the corner, so I taught the class for the day, like usual. When I finished filling all the young minds with my massive knowledge and/or genitals, I boarded my submarine and flew quickly into the sky, which is, no doubt, a subtle and witty metaphor for snorting cocaine off of a dead hooker, who I shortly thereafter disposed of in the nearest dumpster (my mouth), and, if you're wondering, the lecture I gave was about run-on sentences and how they're necessary for any good narrative.
I don't remember where I was at and I don't feel like re-reading what I've written, BECAUSE READING IS FOR NERDS. So, I guess I'll conclude, unless I've already done that. I don't really feel like concluding though, so I'm just going to hope I already have and leave it at that. EAT A DICK.
P.S. - Pick up 2% milk.
P.P.S. - Actually, make that 98% milk. Why would I waste all that money for just 2% milk?! What a rip off! That's practically water!
P.P.P.S. - Nevermind, I don't want any milk.
Haw haw haw. My life is great (other than the fact that [iippo] ended her relation with me some time ago). Why does everyone else have so many problems? Is it because I'm better than everyone else?
Y U NO LOOK FOR THE KEY UNDER THE MAT?
Apparently, [iippo] has ended her relation with me... :(
Any of you Eurofa- er, Eurofriends want to buy these for me, so I don't have to pay outrageous prices way over here in 'Merka?
As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you. With the current seemingly exponential comment rate, Bob's Diner is projected to surpass the 08/09 year in average Comments Per Day, making this, potentially, the third most prosperous friscal year after the 04/05 and 07/08 years, (dis)respectively. Assuming, of course, the currently increased comment rate remains steady and doesn't fall to early 10/11 rates (which, needless to say, were simply abysmal), we should, somewhat easily, be able to produce upwards of 2000 new comments before the end of the friscal year. Quality wise, though, I don't expect much of these comments, but then again, I never have. In conclusion, jerk reading my diary for some reason, please consider shutting your ugly face up and heading on down to Bob's Diner to leave somewhere between 20 to 400 comments a day for the next 89 days. After that point, feel free to only leave 20 to 399 per day for the rest of your life. Until you die. Of ugliness. Because you are ugly and stupid and have a butt for a face.