I Never thought that you'd find out I did it.
I was so scared that you'd leave, so I hid it.
I know we said that we'd always be honest.
So now I went out and messed up our nest.
It finally seems like we turned into strangers.
It's gotten so bad there's just no more anger.
So now it seems like we can't get no further.
I can't Believe I'll be bright for another.
I'll be the switch she turns on.
She'll be mine too, I'll get off.
I'll be the fuse that she blows, and
Even with the lights out we'll glow.
It's when your motivation to fix the things you've been destroying over the last few months takes a shot in the kneecap, that you know things are gonna go from bad to worse.
It's amazing how much life can suck from time to time.
I hope I won't go too far into this. It might not be pleasant, and ranting is too easy when it comes to personal stuff. I could make a list of all the shitty things that have happened recently, but I'll keep it to one.
I do not think 2010 will be a good year.
I find it slightly amusing though. Whenever I'm down, I turn to strangers or a blog. Maybe a diary, like this one? It's as if my friends would never understand, and can't honestly grasp who I am or what I am.
This is how I love V for Vendetta (on a total side note). He's man, in a mask. When no one knows who you are or -what- you are, the world can be yours for the taking. It's ironic that, whilst I would still be wearing a mask, I'm terrified of people seeing behind it.
This is not me.
It's really kind of sad when I think about it. I try my best to get people to open up to me. Share. I wish someone would drag me through my life like that. It's kind of sad that no one asks me how I am, genuinely. It's not that they don't care, I think. It's just that it doesn't occur to them my life might not be as smooth as it looks.
I don't know where this trail of thought is taking me. I start looking at my sentences and see how I view a lot of things from a gloomy point of view. I once asked a doctor to test me for Manic Depression. Apparently, I got the effects of Mania all wrong, and I was not nearly depressed. I was just a gloomy person. It's funny how serious I was when I came in, and how ridiculous I felt leaving 5 minutes later. "Doctor".
I could be you, you know. Just think about it.
A happy new year?
...We'll see about that.
I feel like such a douchebag for not knowing who Abercrombie and Fitch are... >_>
If someone dares to ask me how I feel, I'm not sure whether I would be honest and tell them the truth in my heart. Not because I don't want to, but because I wouldn't know how to say it. My mind keeps on changing every time.
She's so perfect for me. She's pretty, I love her trail of thought, and she opens me up all the way. I feel without boundary whenever I am with her. Words flow like water, and they all add up. She makes me smarter, fluent. At the same time, she makes me feel precious, kept dear. I've been thinking that maybe her way of keeping me around is by not letting me get closer. But on the other hand, I doubt she'd be able to perform such a cruelty.
Then there's him. He's not as clueless as I thought he'd be. He found my trail, observed some clues. It's a good thing I'm passionate about psychology. I know how to deal with people, so that keeps him off my back. People are so easily manipulated, though I'd rather not use what I have learned on my friends. He's got me in a corner, but I'm guesing he is affraid of my answer. If he ask me about my feelings for her, I'll be honest. But only if he asks me directly.
And then there's the old girl. I told her she couldn't come back after last time. Eventhough she has moved on already, I can't truly say I have. Well, from a certain point of view. They say it takes 50% of the duration of a relationship, to get over it. That means I'll be stuck for another 6 months. It's not specifically her what I miss though. Far more the feeling of being wanted. I don't think I'll ever get used to being single again. Everytime she comes by, it's just a painfull reminder of what life's got to offer that so many others have and share. I find myself being jealous of others, because they have who they want, without worries. They all seem so carefree.
To add it up, when my crush comes by she actually does the same. I might feel enlightened when she's here, but as soon as the door closes behind her, lights go out. I can't truthfully say that what I am doing is what is best, because I'm quite certain it isn't. It's just that I'll break if I acknowledge the fact that I am alone. I need someone to take care of me.
To be honest, I'd kill for an earnest hug.
Or I was, but she'd never know.
A kiss to send us off.
Meh, I'd never be that lucky.
Different I've felt before I got this notch in my belt,
'Cause in my plans you were all for me.
But now it seems that you'd just rather leave.
Wherever you go,
It's breaking me slowly.
Don't leave it alone.
Don't leave me alone.
You sound so much further on the phone.
You fit just right, right next to me,
But there's always a person I cannot beat.
An intertwining of fates, discissions to be made.
Sacrifes made, one way or another.
In this mist, mist is al he sees.
Judgement becomes Opinion; Opinion becomes Judgement.
Taste, scent, sight, sense and feelings.
All are no more, thoughts roam free.
As he stands there, he becomes it.
I'm so proud of myself. I've written the first decent fictional story since many months ago. I lost all of my focus back then. But I'm slowly regaining the focus, and the fun in writing.
I'm so proud. ^_^;;; It's weird to be proud of yourself, isn't it? Omg, I'm spooky. -_-
New shoes!! ^_^
I went to The Hague the other day, with Cindy. We actually went to get some presents she needed, but my mom works in The Hague as well, so we went by and I got myself some money to buy clothes. A new pair of pants and new shoes. The pants didn't quite work out, but I do have new shoes. New shoes, blablabla, new shoes, and new shoes bla new shoes.
I ended my week of tests this monday, though I missed one test. I didn't have any good reason for it, and then they gave me an F. TT_TT It's my own fault though, I missed the test. Oh well, I had fun with Cindy after (and actually during the time of) the test. We went by Jelle's place together. "Visiting the sick". We brought him some candy, because the day before we brought him fruit but he couldn't eat that because of his braces. Eventually, we ate chips and watched a movie. It was Final Fantasy: Spirits Within. Lame title though... And the movie was rather predictable as well. Oh well, we got to feed a sick person chips he shouldn't eat in the first place. We rule. xD
Ugh. I feel like shit. I feel like punshing someone directly in the face. No holding back, just my knuckles and their nose.
Today was a scuky day too. Or so it seemed at first. I had 2 tests, French and Chemistry. Chemistry sucked, and French was okay. I finished early though. 10 AM. Cindy had to work at 11 AM, but she went to see one of her closest friends, Cheryl. It was her birthday today. So, basicall, I went home and waited for Cindy to finish her work.
We had plans for today though. Jelle would also join in, and the three of us would rent and watch VforVendetta© together. However, due to Jelle being sick, Cindy decided she would go to Cheryl's party. Result, at 3 PM I went to pick up Cindy at her work downtown, and we would just stroll around for 2 hours, and afterwards I would drop her off at Cheryl's place.
At first I felt used. In a, totally not sexual way, but more as if I was an object willing to comply at whatever the Miss desired. Feeling that inside me, I still went to see her, but soon the feeling had vanished from me. I had a good time with her, and we good some fruit and went to visit Jelle. We needed the fruit as an excuse to enter the house, because we didn't think his parents would like it if we just barged in on a sick person just like that. Eventually, Cindy and I ate the fruit, but yeah.
Later we met up with Cheryl, and went downtown to get some more soda. I found how ignorant girls can be when they are around friends. I felt like the third wheel on the car, but leaving just like that surely wouldn't have done me much good. All Cindy did was talk to Cheryl. I literally had to 'fish' for attention.
And now... Now I feel aggresive. I feel... Angry. I'm very pissed off at the moment, and I have no idea what happened. I'm just sitting here, and from one moment to the other, my mood completely changes. From calm in mind, to fury in fist.
Omg. Lame shoalin-jokes rule. xD
THINGS GUYS WANT GIRLS TO KNOW
1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are.
2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a LOSER.
3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too. although we dont say it
4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.
7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.
11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong.........
12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.
16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.
20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean.
21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.
23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship
24. PMS is not an excuse.
25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.
26............ Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach..... and maybe....oh nevermind.
28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong.
29. We always notice how funny it is after you rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.
30. We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway
31. And last but not least: If your fighting a guy and your winning no matter how much you deny it HE is still letting you win!
FROM A GUYS POINT OF VIEW:
We don't care if you talk to other guys.
We don't care if you're friends with other guys.
But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him, without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off.
It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we're still there.
We don't care if a guy calls you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned. Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait till the morning.
Also, when we tell you you're pretty/ beautiful/ gorgeous/ cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it.
Don't tell us we're wrong.
We'll stop trying to convince you.
The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.
Push us down on the couch and make a move once in a while. We like that aggressiveness about you and we like the unexpected. When we know you're really happy, it makes us happy too.
Don't be mad when we hold the door open. Take Advantage of the mood I'm in.
LET US PAY FOR YOU!
DON'T "FEEL BAD"
We enjoy doing it (Paying for you).
Smile and say "thank you."
Kiss us when no one's watching.
If you kiss us when you know nobody's looking we'll be more impressed.
You don't have to get dressed up for us.
If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the need to wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you own.
We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are.
honestly, i think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her pj's. or my tshirt and boxers, not all dolled up
Don't take everything we say seriously.
Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in it.
Don't get angry easily.
Whatever happened to the word "handsome"/"be
I'd be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me with "Hey
handsome!" instead of "Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy" or whatever else you can think of.
Of course, not all of the above is important, but it sure as hell matters.
Omg. I feel like shit on my birthday. Something is on my mind, but I have no idea what it is. I found out it is something about Cindy, as usual, but I have no idea what it could be. Probably something insignificant, but we'll find out... Eventually.
C'est une probleme, mais ce n'est pas important.
So... Just before Cindy and I started seeing each other, she told me I wouldn't last, because she'd drive me insane, mad, and utterly crazy. Part of it is true. She does drive me crazy at times, but who doesn't. I still want her to be my girlfriend. There are several things that have happened these last 2 months I would rather have done otherwise when I think of it, but it is foolish to regret what has already been done. You'll only feel more miserable each time you think of it, though you can't change a thing.
It was my dad's birthday yesterday, and mine's coming up on wednessday, so to keep things simple we invited family and friends to come over tomorrow for cake etc. Cindy'll come as well. I can't wait. I have had only one moment alone with her since the start of school, but even that was inside of school. I guess she's busy with work, and school for the upcoming tests.
Ahhhh. I'm so very much pissed off at the moment. Cindy's in need of a massage, and I cannot give her one. I can't do a massage, I suck at it. Therefore, Jelle is going to give her one. I do not mind, but what I do care about is the shirt that has got to come off. Jelle is just a friend, but I guess I don't like the idea off him on top of Cindy, while she's not wearing a shirt. And he keeps making all these 'funny' somments all day, and it really pisses me off. One at a time is enough, but I feel like factory employee of insults.
PS: I know you'll read this, Cindy. Don't mind me. I want you to have Jelle do the massage. I won't tell you not to, because situations like these will come by in the future, and I need to deal with them.
BWAH. How I hate Mondays. You're all absorbed in the relaxed mood of the week-ends, and then suddenly everything turns back to the standard procedure. Getting up early; making lunch for school; riding your bike while your butt's freezing off, ahh, yes.
I did have a nice week-end though. I spend the entire Saturday at Cindy's place, at there, and left at night. On Sunday she had a photoshoot about which I shall not talk >.> but that was only in the morning, so around... 14:00 (2:00PM) she called me, and we went to the mall together. It's not really a mall though. Its more like one street, with all types of stores on it. From there, we took the bus and went to my place, where we ate and watched the first part of some movie with Beyonce in it. Hmm, yes. Quite so.
Riight. Cindy's internet broke. Or, actually some miscommunictio
I'm bored. I've got loads of anime to watch, but I'm really not in the mood. Not even the decent ones I watch. Nevertheless, I am only bored nighttime. During the day I'm not bored. Eventhough I might claim otherwise at that moment. Ever. I'm tired at the most.
Good times!! Yessir.
Many kisses, and such. Many lovelyness and such. Many... Times.
Really. The HeHa-project sucked. Bigtime. We went to the school-thingie
"WTF?!" - "Beer." xD
We quickly reunited with the rest of the bunch though. Sucky sucky. That's what it did. It sucked.
The weekend was nice though. Well, parts of it. I went to this... I don't know what it's called... 'Beurs'** (for the Dutchies) about videogames. It SUCKED. I went last year as well, but it was about 3 times bigger then, and this time there were 2 'beurs'es united, and it was way smaller. TT_TT
The evening I went to Cindy's place. Jelle was asked as well, but I figured he wouldn't show up. xD Good results. We watched Bambi 2(don't ask >.>), and the real thing started afterwards. A lot of kisses, and hugs, and rolling over should be enough for you guys to catch my drift. It took me about 30 minutes to leave her front door. And when I hadn't even left for 10 seconds, I found out my Mp3-player was still in her room. Right. Good reason to stop by again on Sunday. So I did...
Sunday. More of the thing mentioned above. Lots more, and I also clicked a lot. On a computer of course, I wasn't trying to point out something weird. xD But yeah, I made 10 Euro's... But I never got them. They did pay for Cindy's stuff though. Oh, and... She's my Girlfriend since today! YAY!
That's it. The whole thing so far. Checkout.
**= 'Beurs'. It's like a HUGE hall filled with fanboys, and many nerds in this case. Everyone has come to see what's going on, the newest games, and everything. You also have them in different themes, such as Motorbike's, or cars, or even poststamps, if you please. Ah! Conventions? Is that the word?
Bwah. Mysterious beings are under my bed. >.< Not really though. I just felt like writing something again.
But, basically, I've got nothing big to say. Eventhough a crisis is going on right now. Tomorrow is HeHa-day (Totally Havo(Havo is the name of my current education)). It's some sort of excursion to a higher education.We visit a school in The Hague.