[Tates]'s diary

1169923  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2016-07-14
Written: (1075 days ago)

I held the world on my shoulders, but the day you died I let go. And it wasn't fair to carry the world on my shoulders. But it wasn't fair for you to die and make me drop the world. And then I had to pick it back up from wherever dusty corner the world rolled to. And it wasn't fair.

I guess that's what you get, a grace period with everyone where you're allowed to be like, publicly sad for a month. And then they get over it so you have to get over it too. And then when you're not the same anymore they ignore you. You're annoying to them. And yourself. And it's not fair.

And it's nobody's fault. It just happens, and I think it'd be like that if I were 16, 21, or even 30.

It must suck when you're older and your parent dies. Nobody is as sad for you because they think you had all that time with them or whatever.
But that's not fair.
And it's nobody's fault.

1145405  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2011-12-19
Written: (2744 days ago)

Zaubererbruder
Wo bist du gewesen, in all diesen finsteren Jahren
Zaubererbruder
Ich weiß nicht, wie lang haben wir uns schon nicht mehr gesehn
Zaubererbruder
hast du fremde Länder bereist, Ozeane befahren
Zaubererbruder
Wo scheinbar zum Greifen nah Sterne am Nachthimmel stehen

Zaubererbruder
Es scheint viel zu lang seit wir gleiche Beschwörung entsangen
Zaubererbruder
Und das Zeichen der Bruderschaft uns auf die Stirn aufgemalt
Zaubererbruder
Mit der Stimme uns Wünsche erfüllt und uns Träume gefangen
Zaubererbruder
Die Welt in den Händen und haben mit Worten bezahlt

Haben soviel gesehn
Haben Träume gejagt
Mussten viel überstehn
Haben alles gewagt

Haben zuviel geliebt
und alles genommen
Haben alles gegeben und mehr

Haben soviel gesehn
Haben Träume gejagt

Zaubererbruder
Ich blieb und ich wagte kaum aufzusehen unter der Knute
Zaubererbruder
Wir gaben die Kraft und die Jugend für unseren Herren
Zaubererbruder
Auch ich wollte frei sein und hab für den Meister geblutet
Zaubererbruder
Dabei wollt ich mit dir die Erde bereisen so gern

Zaubererbruder
Du hast im Geheimen für manche den Kopf hingehalten
Zaubererbruder
Wer nicht weiterkommt fand Hoffnung und Hilfe bei dir
Zaubererbruder
Viel härter ist's Hand anzulegen statt sie nur zu falten
Zaubererbruder
Wo ich auch hinkam war's besser und schlechter als hier

Haben soviel gesehn
Haben Träume gejagt
Mussten viel überstehn
Haben alles gewagt

Haben zuviel geliebt
und alles genommen
Haben alles gegeben und mehr

Haben soviel gesehn
Haben Träume gejagt

Zaubererbruder...

Ich kämpfte bei Tag mit dem Drachen
und nachts mit Werwölfen

Zaubererbruder...

Sah blaue Zyklopen
und bin mit dem Einhorn gerannt

Zaubererbruder...

Ich habe die Nixen geküsst
sah die Insel der Elfen

Zaubererbruder...

Ich reiste ans Ende der Welt
und dort fand ich ein Land

Zaubererbruder...

Wo jeder Mensch frei war
bereit jedem andern zu helfen

Zaubererbruder...

Wo jeder Mann zu seinem Wort
und in Lohn und Brot stand

Haben soviel gesehn
Haben Träume gejagt
Mussten viel überstehn
Haben alles gewagt

Haben zuviel geliebt
und alles genommen
Haben alles gegeben und mehr

Es war alles zu schön
und die Wahrheit gesagt

. . .

I'm learning to speak German. ASP helps a lot.

1140921  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-08-24
Written: (2861 days ago)

Write about a brief, but scary encounter with one of your teachers.

Mr. Roche was racist. And Francis was black. And Francis ran his mouth sometimes, or he would be rude. Normally teachers would address trouble makers in private, but not Mr. Roche. He'd yell and explain all these weird conditions about respect. It was odd, because how can you preach respect when you're so biased to trivial things such as race and stereotypes?
   Once he really lost it on Francis. I don't blame him, Francis was a really ignorant, beligerant person. But when Mr. Roch had one of his tantrums, he also let it out on the rest of the class, and then he'd check out, or sit at his desk ignoring us while we tried to do the assignments like refugees after an earthquake; anxious, but trying to be hopeful. On that day, we had a big assignment due, and it was almost the end of the class. I needed to pass it in. After a few moments of letting him kinda brood, I went to his desk, near the inbox. "Fuckit," I thought, "I need to pass this in..."
  You had to kind of reach over him to put assignments in the inbox assignment holder thing, so I politely said "Excuse me, Mr. Roche, I just wanted to pas-" He stopped me mid sentence.
"You Tatas are all the same. You don't know when to shut up, and your all so obnoxious, because you think you're important or something." (My dad was working at this school, but in another grade, and my brother was in the same grade as me. ) I put my paper in the inbox and backed away, blinking at hot tears.
  What had I done? What had he meant by that? I was quiet as a motherfucking mouse most of the time, and I did my work and I tried pretty hard. My dad was a quiet man, a good teacher. And my brother..Well, he could be kind of obnoxious, but he hadn't matured yet. I went back to my desk, crying, and other people in the class were asking me questions in worried whispers, because they, like me, had been afraid to pass in their assignments,too. I graduated from that middleschool in 2008, and last year, (2010) my dad told me that he had been fired for freaking out at one of his classes. He called them retarded, stupid little kids, and went on his respect tirade again. But this time the kid he flipped out on told his parents. The kid's parents filed a complaint to the principal. And, as it happened to be, the principal's son was in that particular class. So, a simple investigation of "Did it happen?" "Yeah.." and Mr. Roche was gone.

1139936  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-08-06
Written: (2879 days ago)
Next in thread: 1139940

Remember that time I called my mom at 10:00 at night because you guys were all fighting and I couldn't take it? I had diarehha for two days afterwords.

Remember when I told you that my mom smokes pot and when she tried to stick up to me you threw that in her face? Even though I told you it was a secret? (Cool. I'll just email your aunt and say Josh still lives with you. Oh. Wait. I'd never do that to you. )

Remember when I came to your house crying because my dad was ignoring me, that I had seen something I didn't want to and it traumatized me? You said "Let's watch a movie" and all the humor in that movie was about sex and that made me anxious. You got mad because I couldn't finish the movie.

Sometimes you would scream at me over the phone. And I would listen to you and try to help even though I couldn't, and I wouldn't shit for days because of that.

Remember that time I couldn't go skating with you because my allergies were bad? I didn't make that up because I didn't want to go. So the next time you went skating you invited everyone else but me. The one person who's actually tried to give a fuck about you for the past 6 years. So, know what? You lost a friend.

Remember when you did that weird voice on the phone for the first time and we started talking in that voice all the time after that?

Remember when we watched the old steamboat on lake Winnepasauke on a shitty $3 dollar float in the cove? Remember my great aunt 'Cil and I helping you get to the big rock and back and the entire time you kept repeating "I CAN'T DO IT!", and we yelled at you the whole time "YES YOU CAN!"?

Remember when you, Dan Breton, and Spencer threw berries at me? One got in my eye. I thought you were the most irreputable bitch to ever crawl out from someone's uterus. But somehow the next year we became best friends somehow. You gave me that Wizard of Oz magnet that I put in my locker. I still have that, you know.

Remember building a fort out of my bed with thumb tacks and comforters? It was so hot in there but we stayed in the fort because it was an almost sanctuary from the world around us, and something about that made us like it.

Remember when I made your family cookies, and they were so good that we decided to call them Tatacookies and everyone wanted them because for some reason if you add the prefix "Tata" to it it becomes somehow more enticing?

Remember that night we sat in my mess of a room sharing a cheese pizza, watching Cake Boss, and making arm/mouth fart noises? Joey knocked on the door, wondering what the fuck we were doing.

Remember the first time you slept over and we were out of soda so we went up to the corner store and bought Coke and reese's? My mom farted really loud when you went to change into your jammies, and you thought it was a door creaking.

 Remember when Sammy Joe died and I cried with you so hard even though I was allergic to him and didn't really have a strong relationship with him.

Remember those CD's I made that could have been the soundtracks to our lives?


I really hope you miss me. I might miss you. Only for while,though, when I'm lonely and remember the good things. But then I might remember the bad things, and then I won't miss you. I don't really know why I wrote this. Just maybe an explanation for what happened. My mom was just tired...Tired of me making excuses for you when we'd take you somewhere and you'd never say thank you unless I said it first, or when you'd just complain endlessly about how shitty your family is. She was mostly tired of me being hurt. I liked how you knew why I was upset with you without me even saying it. It shows you did mean to hurt me. You just weren't prepared when I finally decided enough was enough. What you did was sneaky and mean, so why would I just "fucking face you" if you didn't even deserve that... You knew you hurt me. I don't even know why you liked hurting me. Did it make you feel better about yourself? I hope it did. I hope it was worth it. What my mom said to you wasn't a threat.I liked the screaming phone call from your mom. It made me shake for a long time afterwords.
  Let your family read this. Maybe they'll understand,but they probably won't. Because I don't live in a Jerry Springer world like you do. But I did want to tell them thank you. Just..for everything. Thank you to your mom. Thank you to Adam. Thank you, and thank Josh. Especially Josh. Thank you for letting me borrow clothes, and eat your food and sleep on your couch and spend time at your house. Thank you for countless days wasted watching movies we're already watched 10,000 times before while making shit out of playdoh, string, and popscicle sticks.

Thank you for making me cry all those times, for making me want to throw up when you yelled at me. Thank you for the god-awful ugly shoe you gave me. It really shows how much you loved me. Thank you for judging me whenever I took pills to help me sleep because of my insomnia. Thank you for letting me borrow things and then waiting until your mom absolutely screamed at you to make me give them back, even though you never told me if you needed them back or not. Thank you for using me, for never being there for me.

Thank you for being my friend for 6 long years. You were a shitty friend, a selfish, "fair weather" friend. Even though you were awful, you were still my friend. I hope you find someone else who deals with your fucking bullshit as well as I did. You probably won't.

Goodbye, Brookie.

Love, Holly.

1133394  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-04-13
Written: (2994 days ago)
Next in thread: 1133407, 1133419, 1133426

I has boyfriend. And he doesn't live in my computer. PROGRESS.

1129693  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2011-02-02
Written: (3064 days ago)
Next in thread: 1129696

So.
Tomorrow celebrates 16 years of my life. It feels like it's a long time.But it's really not. And you know what's really weird? I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Is it supposed to be like a second puberty? Do I immediately grow breasts? Does my nose become pierced on the side automatically? Do I look down and have a full head of pubes?>.> I don't know.
It honestly just means that I can get a job, and start driver's ED. (Which I'm mortified about. I'm soo scared. But I figure I can probably do it. Just..I'm horrible at Mario Kart...Soyeah.) It's so weird.
I'm not..complaining. I'm just in an odd place right now. So, tomorrow at 7:35, I'm officially 16.
 My birthday dinner is chicken nuggets and Macaroni and cheese. (Because I'm 4).
I'm a level 15 and 364/365ths virgin. So, today as my last day of 15, I'm going to make hemp bracelets. I'm going to play L4D. I'm going to do my homework , and listen to music and build a snowfort and this weekend some of my friends will come over and we'll throw snow at each other for like an hour and a half, and then we'll nom some cake. Friday my dad's boyfriend is taking my brother and I out to eat for dinner. (My brother is my twin.)
  So, right now, I'm gonna go make some bracelets and shit. Porkchop, out.

1129203  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2011-01-24
Written: (3073 days ago)

Rp? Maybe? Yeah?

1128794  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2011-01-17
Written: (3080 days ago)

Hi there. I'm going to give you the meanest look I can, so that even though I'm already much more pretty, and much more popular than you'll ever hope to be, you'll still feel like a horrible ugly bug even though I don't know you. Good. Go into the stall. I'll be here, glaring at you and waiting for my friend who's much more pretty, and much more popular than you to come out of the bathroom so we can go do something much more cooler than you. Ew. You're using the bathroom. Everyone else uses the bathroom. But you using the bathroom is super disgusting. So when I leave the bathroom I can make a mean comment to my friend about how ugly and short you are and maybe she'll laugh and it'll make us feel better about ourselves and our pointless existences. See, we belong to a subculture that involves being horribly mean to everyone else, in the hopes that maybe we'll make more friends. We'll listen to horrible music and barrage people with it, making fun of anything that isn't what we like. I'll put huge motherfucking plugs in my ears so that people will know how different I am from you.
  
-I'm pretty sure this is what goes through this girls mind as I walk into the girls bathroom and she's waiting by the door, ready to give me the meanest, venomous look she can while I just make it to the stall, and pray her friend finishes and goes. I went to middle school with you. You were rude and mean, but pretty, so everyone liked you. So it's still the same, except with a class of more than 400 kids and other grades, making the student population over 1000. But you're still friends with everyone who's "cool". So that makes it okay for you to be mean to people you don't know.
Fucking A, man. What's wrong with everyone anymore?

1128425  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2011-01-10
Written: (3087 days ago)
Next in thread: 1128436, 1128462

So I grew some hair. And I got my navel pierced. Weren't those goals from long ago?
I've lost some weight,surprisingly. I can squeeze my fat ass into size 6 pants. Not too shabby. I'd still like to get rid of some flub,though. My dad has a boyfriend. It's weird. His name is David,and he's really nice and he's into a bunch of strange things like me. We're both Dr.Who fans, and we enjoy Rocky Horror. I need to start writing again. I might pick up an old story. Oh gee, guess what it's about? Vampires. Blah. I'm not going to even really post it. Maybe I'll put it on quizilla so 11 year olds can tell me how good I am. But whatever,writing is writing. Surprisingly, it's not a love story. And the plot doesn't go like [BOY MEETS GIRL. ONE HAPPENS TO BE VAMPIRE. OHBOY, BLUHD DRINKING. SECKS. SECKS. SECKS. BLUHD.SECKS. COMPLICATIONS. SOLUTION. WAR OR SOMETHING. MOAR SECKS.] I know, it's a radical idea,right? Something that isn't dragged along fourteen books. Oh well. I'd like to write a normal type thing. I just dunno how to go about it. Maybe something based off me? Blah, that might be boring. Oh,boo.
I'm starting to think I have some form of sleep disorder. I'm so tired,all the fucking time, but I can never fall asleep on my own... :/ Mom says it's a teenager thing, but I'm a little worried. So is Dad and David. I'm starting to realize that I'm not as bad as I think I am. Like..I'm not that much of a loser. I'll never be "cool". But whatever. I don't need that. All I need it some friends. That's it. So instead of spending my Saturday nights masturbating and playing pokemon, maybe I need to plan some more hang-outs. There's this little book store that lets bands play. Maybe I could meet some people. Or get some new books. Either way; something to do. I mean, don't get me wrong, Pokemon and masturbating are pretty fun. Just not consecutively over your entire life. 
I'm changing. And I kinda like it,I guess. I dunno how, but I'm maturing. It's weird. So weird, in fact, that I'm going to go play Pokemon...[and probably masturbate. -__-]

1127998  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2010-12-30
Written: (3098 days ago)
Next in thread: 1128005, 1128115

So,today I'm getting a hollow needle shoved through my navel.[Bellybutton piercing]
I'm secretly terrified. But whatevs. I heard its supposed to hurt. <.<

1126046  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2010-11-12
Written: (3146 days ago)
Next in thread: 1126049, 1126064

I have a growing hatred for people who are/have happy romantic relationships. Seriously.
My friend came in today with a hickey. She wore a turtle neck, but she kept pulling it down to show us.
Nobody gives a fuck. Honestly. I don't care that he bit your neck and chewed on it as a sign of affection. NOBODY gives a FUCK.And then you go ahead and tell me that I'll find someone who will make me happy and who will love me and blah blah bullshit. No. Fuck you. Fuck your favorite vegetable. Fuck your favorite color and your favorite combinations of colors. Fuck your house. Fuck your couch. Fuck your tooth brush, and fuck your favorite fruit,and fuck every facebook wallpost about "love" and how great it is. 
 Relationships aren't like herpes;
They don't last forever. You might be happy now, but in a few days,weeks,months, [and if you're lucky] years. It will crash and burn. So like I said. Fuck your favorite guitar, fuck your favorite shitty band, fuck it all.
And I'm not going to be naive and then change directions about how I wish I had a man or a woman and how I wish I had someone blah blah blah. No.
I mean,yeah,I'm lonely, yeah I WISH I liked someone enough to actually try. But seriously. If relationships are all I can surmise from watching happy people be happy; I don't want it.
I don't want sex. I don't want ANYTHING like that.
  I just want to be happy.
Kthnxbai.

1125425  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2010-10-29
Written: (3160 days ago)
Next in thread: 1125438

My mom had to go to the hospital. She's going to be an in-patient. :/

1125394  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2010-10-28
Written: (3160 days ago)
Next in thread: 1125405

That's cool. Its not like I like you or anything. Go ahead and tell me all about her. Tell me what she does to you and how you like having friends with benefits. Tell me all the drugs you do, and what makes you feel the best. Let me tell you about my mom who had to go to the hospital and then you can tell me about getting your "dick wet" and how she lives in Paxton and how I'll bet she's prettier than me. I doubt she's smarter than me. But I'll bet she's prettier than me, and I'll bet maybe she doesn't have horrible lop-sided curves like me and how she probably fucks anything that moves. That's cool. Its not like I like you or anything. Its not like I wish you were my boyfriend or anything. Not like that at all. I'll just stay up late and watch cartoons and play video games. I'll pretend I hadn't tried to invite you over to watch cartoons and play dumb games.

Its not like I liked you or anything

1125194  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2010-10-26
Written: (3163 days ago)

Recently I saw an old teacher from my middle school days. He's this pear-shaped man with a shiny shiny head (meaning he is bald or has magnificent hair that is like a motherfucking disco ball), and him being pear shaped, he also has a round tummy and thunder thighs/ legs. Have you ever played field hockey? If you haven't imagine the "Bad News Bears", but with wooden sticks on the ground chasing after a ball. Its like..hardcore polo or croquet. So anyways. The teacher/parent game was when the parents and teachers scrimaged the field hockey girls. Which sounds exciting and fun, but not when its in the 40's and you're running around in a skirt and overweight parents (like..trolls or something) are chasing you around for a little orange ball that weighs less than a baby but more than an actual orange. So this big pear-shaped man is running into my circle of defense, and I have to get the orange motherfucker out of my area before they score a goal and this big BEAR of a guy runs up to me as I swing for the ball, trying to chuck it out onto the otherside of the field, and when I turn to hit the ball he's trying to jump over me. And for a second he almost made it over me. Until gravity kicked in. Not fun when a grown overweight man trys to jump over you and messes the fuck up.

1121882  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2010-08-28
Written: (3222 days ago)
Next in thread: 1121883, 1121927

http://whatadumbkid.tumblr.com/
Wanna watch me talk at you on my computer?

1121772  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2010-08-25
Written: (3225 days ago)

Holly: Ooh.
Holly: I'mma go to bed sooneh
BellaSue: Me, too.
Holly: -hughughug-
Holly: Want me to read you a bedtime story?
BellaSue: :D
Holly: Mmkay.
Holly: Once upon a time there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died.
BellaSue: :O
Holly: And then J.K Rowling beat up Stephenie Meyer by bludgeoning her to death with Robert Pattinson's massive forehead.
BellaSue is typing...
BellaSue: XD
Holly: So then Kristin Stewart was all "I'M GOING TO STARE AT YOU DUMBLY AND HOPE IT CHANGES WHAT JUST HAPPENED. LOOK AT MY BEAVER TEETH BITE MY WEIRD LIPS."
Holly: And so as she stood there being retarded, Taylor Lautnet sued a trailer company because he needs a fucking trailer now, now three days late.
Holly: And then Suemya and Holly hid under Holly's bed and read comic books and manga until it was time for tea,and Suemya and Holly got up and went and had deelishous tea on the moon.
Holly: The end.
Holly: :3

 The logged in version 

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