So I'm a fucking crazy bastard, yeah yeah yeah, I had horrible nightmares last night about Jen and when I woke up I was sweating and there was this really painful feeling of fear without being able to pinpoint it.
I read all the shit that they post back and forth to each other and how much care she seems to generate for her and I wonder what the fuck I am? Nothing. Shit scraped off the bottom of someone's shoe.
SHIT SHIT SHIT.
I want to crawl into a hole and die.
What the fuck....
My friends are drifting off. I'm going again with the same old crowd and getting left in the dust by my friends from GSHS. So called friends, I mean so little to them.
I'm probably being overly sensitive about the subject but it's like I've become a leper ever since I started working. Plans that were made are now lost to oblivion. Am I really that lame?
Everything feels like dischord, shit that I had thought I left behind is cropping up again, and I am at a complete loss as to what to do.
I can't find anyone who wants to just like hang out with me......
I go in and out of social situations, here and there, I don't belong to any one group unless you count the lesbians, but there aren't all that many who are going to pal around with a tag-a-long wet-behind-the
I'm so lame....
It's not that I don't have friends, because I do, it's just that my friends and I don't relate to each other on all levels. So what sounds fun to one person doesn't sound fun to the other so when spending free time together we're all at a loss as to what to do.
What the fuck?
Maybe that's why years ago I felt betrayed by Aubrey. She severed the ties of my bond to her by stopping going to independent movies and stuff.
I mean, how much fun can it be for me to drag along a group of my straight friends to a gay bar?
Not much I can imagine.
I just really want to belong to one group. People that I know will be there for me.... not even physically, people that I know will want to hang out with me and will understand where I'm coming from on different issues.
I'm a fucking outcast because there's nobody else like me around. It's not fair....
When I was younger I belonged to the Colfax society, I moved with their groups, dated one of the usuals and I was generally accepted as one of them. When I was a bit older I was more of a free-agent, but I mainly spent my time with Ceci, who was also on Independent Study and therefore all of our time was spent hanging out. Getting drunk, smoking cigarettes, making half-assed attempts at writing a magazine, avoiding homework and making fun of Golden Sierra kids.
Senior year was kind of weird, but that's over now and I'm left a loner.
I've been rejected from every group that I ever tried to be apart of. There was the obvious ones like Katie Sheil, Amy Fields, Amanda Berkey, who I can't even count how many times they've uninvited me to certain occassions, and then there's the not so obvious ones, being shut out not because they didn't like me but because I just didn't belong.
I sound like I'm complaining but this is my diary thingy and I'm just ranting about my thoughts because I'm butt-hurt that my friend doesn't want to hang out with me anymore.
Cause I'm lame.
But none of my friends want to really hang out with me because I don't do what they do. There are more of them than me and in group situations the one who is most different is often the one that will be shut out. And that's what's happening.
I feel 13 all over again.
Getting all excited, buying the birthday present, then a week before I'm told that, "My mom said I could invite only nine people and you're number ten."
Damn... that hurt. I even gave her the stupid rabbit doll thing that my mom had bought for her.
STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID ROXXY.
I was stupid. Now I'm not. Now I'm aware of just how much I don't belong...
PEOPLE ARE FUCKING LAME AND DAMN SENSITIVE ABOUT IT.
All the mind is a biological learning machine. It's not that hard to imrpove oneself, to take the initiative. What do you not like about yourself, well boldly go forth and FUCKING CHANGE IT YOU LITTLE WONKY BASTARDS.
BULL SHIT BULL SHIT BULL SHIT BULL SHIT BULL SHIT BULL SHIT BULL SHIT BULL SHIT BULL SHIT BULL SHIT BULL SHIT BULL SHIT BULL SHIT.
Locking me in a little room for hours on end is not good for my health and NOW I feel like throwing up more than ever. Especially with the onset of hiccups.
I WANT TO MAKE THINGS BLEED.
In the past two hours or so I've plunged head-long into some of the most intense emotions that I've let myself feel in a long time.
It was so intense all of my muscles are sore because my entire body was tensed. Tensed for that blow that will send me into a terrible, blinding rage. Anger, sadness, misery, loneliness. All of it. Crushing me all at once so that whoever I come into contact with will feel the sting. Not the ones I want to really scream at though, anyone else that gets in the way. People that are easy prey. Like my mom, who really doesn't deserve half the shit I give her, or any of us for that matter.
Working at Target isn't hard at all. Scan the items in question, accept the tender given, press total, give the person their items and their reciept. But because I was so concentrated on focusing half the time I forgot to give people their items. Or I pressed the wrong button or no button at all. It was my first day but I fucked it up due to nerves. I am a real bundle of nerves right now. The slightest touch could melt me.
Right now I just want some real physical contact. A big hug from strong arms that hold me in my place, purposefully felt, a long kiss, lying together on the bed our limbs tangled together to keep that feeling that we're not alone alive.
I wish I weren't alone.
But I feel like dying.
Most of my day is spent with no touch, no contact from other people. Most of a lot of people's days are filled with no touch like that. But I'm one of those people that feed off of physical contact.
Not shallow shit either. I can't stand shallowness.
I just want someone who is comfortable enough and confident enough to step up and give a good proper cuddle. No inhibitions.
Fuck, like I said earlier, I'm missing two things, a car and a cocktail.
Alcohol sounds like heaven right now.
Something tasty, like rum, but will get me fucked, like rum. Yup, I could use a bottle of rum right now.
I feel like shit..........
I want to express this in a different way than writing. I want to fight someone, tear someone's clothes off and hold their naked body to mine, just so my heart isn't the only beating thing for that fraction of a moment in my life. A long time ago I cut my arm open just so I could feel again. The raised and puffy skin reminded me I was human. I didn't even bleed. Am I really human? Maybe I'm just nuts.
I'm a supersensitive being. Won't admit it if you asked me, couldn't explain it if I tried.
I feel like vomiting.
Things are going so well right now, college, job, soon a car maybe... My girlfriend Sierra, but I feel so alone... And I can't quite understand it.
Things have been strained between me and my friends. Why? I don't know.
I don't like it though.
I want to fucking get out there, meet all sorts of people, new friends, new lovers, even jerks that I despise, but I need a goddamn change of scene.
Somewhere outside of Placerville, Auburn, Cool, Georgetown.
Now that I have a job I'm a bit more mobile, because eventually I'll get money which means that I'll have gas and money to do things. I have to do other things like get my books for school, pay people back the money they lent me so kindly, blah blah blah, but I have a certain freedom now, if I can handle my money well.
I remember when I used to be in love with a girl. She really is quite an extraordinary beauty, but a shallow bitch at heart... in fact there are two of them, one who is actually quite gorgeous and the other ugly... My heart doesn't ache for either of them as it once did but I ache for that feeling, that total and all consuming desire, love and devotion to someone.
It was so exciting back then when I was naive as hell... Risque and dangerous, and back then it felt like just me and that one person that I had fallen for, no one else in the world existed, they didn't have to, at least not for me.
Which is why my grades slipped, my emotional state was a wreck for years, but it felt better than it did now.
I keep thinking that if I alter myself somehow, with ink or metal, cut my hair and dress in a more flattering manner, than maybe I'll get the attention of those people that I look upon with that all consuming, naive desire and devotion.
Of course, I want to get tattoos and piercings, I'm not a complete dumb ass, I've always wanted to, and I have wanted to cut my hair and dress better too, and to generally mold my body into something that I can fully and proudly present to the world, but that stupid pre-sixteen year old girl inside of me somewhere is also hoping that with those changes I can finally hang out with the cool kids.
It's not only that, I'll be able to bring out that side of my personality that I know people will like. I'll be confident...
I don't have much confidence.
Though I pretend that I do.
A harsh breeze brings me down a notch or three. I just don't feel like I can compete with those attractive people, or those talented people, or those smart people. I have found a reason why I don't wish to be exceptionally intelligent though.
People see intelligence like beauty, something glamourous, untouchable, but unless that really genius person is really lucky, they are the most miserable people, plagued with mental afflictions, self-doubt and a tendency to relieve their problems with substance abuse.
So at least I'm not a genius. The only thing that I really am brilliant about is analyzing. Not even analyzing much, just people. Maybe I should work at Target as the ASP lady, in the back room lording over my cameras and files. I can tell (Unless love-struck) whether or not I really, really will like a person almost instantly, I'm very sensitive to pheramones and such.
Why would anyone care about this shit though?
No one does...
I'm just some dumb kid.
Oh... I'm really nice. Fuck....
My stomach aches because there is a rift in there, in my stomach, since I packed it too full and oh so soon the socks are going to tumble out. Think smart Roxxy, can't pack too much. Stomach aches are a bitch.
I don't want to I tell you! I don't want to at all! What is it that I don't want to do remains the true question.
I miss my dear friend Cecilia.
Here is where I shall commit lots of verbal vomit so you're going to have to deal with that MMMMM'KAY?
So I'm taking this Advil allergy night shit right for my cold because whenever I get a cold my sinuses get all ick and I'm like, "NOOO," so I take medication in order to heal myself. But it's doing fucking weird things to my head.
I was up on the ladder and I got the slow nausea as I hammered away at the nails to be put in. I felt dizzy and I wanted to fall but I just sat there, lying against a beam and thinking that it was a most revolting feeling but also strangely right.
These past few days I've been in such an odd tripping dream land. My head is fucking fucked...
So to remedy this I take more medication.
I'm thinking about Sierra and every piece of me is screaming, 'RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!' but something is making me stay, probably logic and my sick sense of loyalty.
I like her, I love her, but she scares me.
I am terrified of my own girlfriend.
Her grandparents, amongst the rest of her family, now know of me, and my relationship to her, and I'm like, "NOOO".
But I'm standing in the middle of my house and though I am still the world spins around me faster and faster until it feels as if I'll vomit if it doesn't stop and the only thing that helps is to sit in the sunlight and bask there for awhile, eyes closed, cheek pressed against the cool tile on the porch, letting the world slow.
It's a difficult sensation, having all of your limbs being twisted and twisted but you know they're not. Driving is difficult too, much more than you can possibly realize.
I don't know what to do except to take it one day at a time and see what becomes of it.
Though that is making me icky and impatient. I'm not very patient when it comes to these kinds of things, I must know what's going to happen or it gets me anxious.
It's strange, me who wants to be in a relationship so bad is somewhat of a commitment phobic.
Fuck you for the slow dripping sensation in the back of my skull, feeling as if my brain matter is sliding from my skull down into my spine....
FUCK YOU FOR QUESTIONING AND BEING INTERESTED!
Why the hell do you care? Why can't I just get drunk and fucked and lie down and vomit for all the ages...
Roxxy's not feeling well.