You know how some people supposedly wake up crying because of a dream?
I never believed it until about 3 o'clock this morning.
It was probably the saddest dream I've ever had to deal with and I still don't know what to think of it.
What happened was utterly heartbreaking, especially since I'm a romantic.
The only reason I'm typing this out is so that I never forget it.
...gawd. Just awful.
Why do these things get into my head?
Love is tragic enough, I don't want to dream sad things about it.
It's hard to look in the mirror.
It's hard to take a compliment.
It's hard to believe a compliment.
It's hard to have feelings.
It's hard to go without being felt for.
It's hard not to cry.
It's hard to cry.
It's hard not to cut.
It's hard not to hurt.
It's hard to touch this skin, this face, this hair, and not cringe.
It's hard to look into these eyes, part these lips, speak... in the mirror... without looking away.
It's hard to be this.
...Now you tell me I'm fucking beautiful.
What the FUCK?!?!!!!
I am .so. sick. and .tired. of these guys that message me saying things like
"hey whats up nice pics u are a hottie" [Yogie Bear]
"hey your sexy" [darkstar_skater]
"hey sexy wanna go out to nite?" [yns]
the last of which, when I replied to him with "Fuck. You're the THIRD guy in the past hour. Read the 2nd and 3rd little paragraph in my profile and get a clue," said, "<font color="red" size="h2">Do you know you will go to hell</font>" (Yeah, I know, he can't even use html correctly, let alone his grammar and writing skills). Had they even taken ten seconds to read the brief, specific, and clearly written statements I made in the first three paragraphs of my description, I'm sure they would've said to themselves "fuck that," and left me alone. Well, maybe they would've... unless they're even more asinine and spiteful than I expect.
What is it with certain men? I mean, they find a girl who they see as a piece of ass, tell her what they think with NO charm whatsoever, and get pissed off when they're shut down. Now, had I been a good little slut and gone along with things, he would've felt dominant and continued on his merry way with tasteless comments and questions.
The only thing that pleases me when this happens is the fact that I'm reminded of how out-of-their league I am.
And another question: Why in blazes would I go to HELL for being a decent girl?!... *sighs again* The nerve and ignorance of some people never ceases to amaze me.
-- Name: Jessica Lea Delaney
-- Nickname: J-Dizzle, Jessi, Wench (thanks to Ray ^^), Bruce Tits McGee, or “Tits” for short
-- Birth date: May 16th, 1988
-- Birthplace: Detroit Lakes, MN
-- Current location: my lovely warm bed
-- Eye color: blue
-- Hair color: brown w/red and blonde
-- Height: 5'3
-- Righty or lefty: right
-- Your heritage: (from most to least) Irish, German, Scottish, Norwegian, Dutch, Swiss, English, French
-- Your weakness: kids; men with intellect, deep eyes, long hair, maybe an accent; Matthew Bellamy’s voice; and a good thunderstorm
-- Your fears: CLOWNS, tornados, drowning, dying alone.
-- Your perfect pizza: Chicken Alfredo w/pineapple (sounds crazy, I know. But it’s soooo goood)
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: to be good to whomever I love and to my friends, and to travel in my future career and be happy with it. Oh, and to adopt a child or 2 from a third-world country.
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: I never use my AIM account
-- Your thoughts first waking up: Usually “I don’t wanna go to work” but sometimes “OH how I’d like to kiss him right now”… whoever that him might be
-- Your best physical feature: eyes
-- Your bedtime: usually between 12 and 2 a.m.
-- Your most missed memory: I’d rather not say.
-- Soda: Sprite… but when I’m watching a movie it HAS to be A&W with Lemon cookies.
-- Fast food joint: I hate fast food. Does Subway count?
-- Single or group dates: single
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton Iced Citrus-Green Tea
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Uhm, well I’m inclined to say TEA, but… cappuccino I guess.
-- Smoke: gross
-- Cuss: too much
-- Sing: constantly; anywhere anytime really
-- Take a shower every day: Yeah unless I’m camping.
-- Have a crush(es): you could say that
-- Want to go to college: going to xD
-- Like high school: 25% stupid drama, 75% great times
-- Want to get married: I think so.
-- Believe in yourself: sure why not
-- Get motion sickness: only when spinning in circles. I did it too often as a kid. But I LOVE rollercoasters and reading on car trips
-- Think you're attractive: I don’t like to think about it.
-- Think you're a health freak: on occasion.
-- Get along with your parents: only with my mom.
-- Like thunderstorms: see said weaknesses ;]
-- Play an instrument: the voice is an instrument, but I played the flute and the violin when I was younger
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: no
-- Smoked: no
-- Done a drug: hell no
-- Had sex: no
-- Made out: no
-- Gone on a date: kinda… bleh.
-- Gone to the mall: yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Nooo o.0 (but I’ve done it before)
-- Eaten sushi: no T-T
-- Been on stage: sure
-- Gone skating: Hah, oh man, I haven’t rollerskated since prom. Good times.
-- Made homemade cookies: yes
-- Dyed your hair: no
-- Stolen anything: no
LAYER SEVEN Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: nope
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: noooo
-- Been caught doing something: ...as in…???
-- Been called a tease: probably
-- Gotten beaten up: Nah. Tickled severly? Yes. Beaten up? No.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: no
-- Age you hope to be married: I don't really care
-- Numbers and names of children: at least one I guess. I don’t’ really think about that at this point in time.
-- Describe your dream wedding: someplace romantic and unique… so… since beaches and stuff are becoming common… This would take a bit of creative brainstorming, lol.
-- How do you want to die: with my lover? Hm.. or maybe of some medical difficulty at a Muse concert; I’d be dying in bliss.
-- Where do you want to go to college: I wanted to go to NY U, but parents kinda got in the way of that one. And money :P
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: A global business etiquette
specialist??? I totally just made that up. There isn’t really a name for what I want.
-- What country would you most like to visit: England, S. Korea & Japan, Spain, Ireland, among others (in that order)
In a guy/girl...
-- Best eye color: A lovely deep brown or clear blue.
-- Best hair color: dark
-- Short or long hair: typically long.. like, anywhere from eyebrow-length to the shoulders.
-- Height: doesn’t matter
-- Best weight: Let’s just say that big beefy football player types turn me off.
-- Best articles of clothing: I’m not that materialistic
-- Best first date location: If I’m crazy about him it shouldn’t matter
-- Best first kiss location: anywhere not awkward?
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: 0
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 4
-- Number of CDs that I own: Oh God… let’s not start.
-- Number of piercing: 0. I’m getting 3 in one ear and 5 in the other and perhaps my navel by the time 1st semester of college is through.
-- Number of tattoos: 0
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: plenty
-- Number of scars on my body: Uhh, let’s not get into that either, mkay?
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: that's silly
~*HAVE YOU EVER*~
-- Lied: who hasn’t, even if just to themselves?
-- Run away: sort of
-- Broken a bone: no
-- Failed a class: no
-- Been in a fist fight: yeah
-- Gotten in a car accident: no
-- Met a famous person: no
-- Driven illegally: yep. I’m a farmer’s daughter… it’s bound to happen
-- Thrown a temper tantrum: heh, what when I was like 12
-- Been suspended: no
-- Been expelled: no
-- Given the finger: yep
-- Rebelled against authority: of course
-- Been in jail: no
-- Overcharged your credit card: no, I HATE credit cards
-- What are you listening to?: “Sunburn” by Muse (the Showbiz album). That song is fucking awesome, but it’s best LOUD. Oh! Wait, song just changed… Now it’s Staralfur by Sigur Ros… beautiful
-- What are you watching?: nothing
-- What time is it?: 11:58 pm
-- What are you wearing?: That comfy Christian Dior sweater that Kate gave to me… and nothing else… I’m in bed.
-- Wanna cyber?: grow up
-- Hey baby, nice shoes...: thanks?
-- What're you drinking?: I’ve got a glass of water with me.
I ought to kick this town
drivin' down an empty street;
Radio's singin to me,
it's tellin' me "Good love's hard to find"
as the sun drops melancholy over the horizon.
"Fuck yeah" I agree
and turn it up.
tell me more... I'll bet you're right
Fuel gague says "E"
'n I just half-filled it 18 miles ago.
Can't get much more than a bag
of peanuts for a buck these days.
Maybe we all oughtta move to Tokyo,
ride bikes around all day, get in shape.
No sign of recognition for true love or beauty either.
Let's all fuck like RABBITS!
Don't need brains.. Don't need class.
Whores'll do just fine.
Sure, they fry themselves
in fake-light boxes for hours on end,
trying to get a "healthy" glow without
earning it outside with work and exercise.
Sure they'll look 80 when they're 40,
but who gives a sh**. It's the Here-and-Now, baby.
Let's marry out of lust and build a huge gaudy house on a lake
while we're at it and kill all the fish with mercury and then
unwittedly serve them to the kids.
Trollops! Imbeciles! Heartless twits!
I say let's go back,
back to chivalry
back to diversity
back to the days when we weren't bringing on our own extinction
and using religion to justify a shit-governmen
Let's WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!
...all from my crackerjack radio.
Who ever said I needed a tape-deck?
"I'm not afraid to try again... not afraid to be hurt again"
Now all I have to do is just keep telling myself that, right?
I think that, maybe, I've found something.
Could be nothing major, y'know... just.. a thing.
Or it could be something that affects my life and my heart in a definite way.
I'm sick of the first possibility. It happens often enough.
The second I'm not so sure of. I mean, I want it.. I always do because I miss it, but at the same time, I don't. I'm afraid of my emotions. I have been ever since -he- happened. I fell too deep and it just ended up being -incredibly- painful. Perhaps I'm stronger because of it, but just getting through it doesn't make the fear go away. It's like a scar or an old broken bone.
I've cried and cut and written and painted and cried again so many times but I just can't get rid of it all. I'm not meant to. No one is. Love is something masochistic. To want it is to willingly take on whatever pain it brings... The first time always blind-sides you of course, but that's natural. After that you're either scared away for good or you come back for more until you find what's right.
I'm scared, I'll admit it. But I'll try again and pray that things don't hurt as much as before.
My heart is on the table and I can't decide on my own...
"Sleeping with the crickets"
Last night I slept with the crickets. Not literally of course... plus I don't think crickets sleep, but they sure do lull a person into dreamland. They sound so pretty at night.
I suppose you're wondering what made me sleep outdoors. Last night at around 11:00 or so I lost interest in adult_swim and thought maybe I'd be mischievous and go upstairs to check my messages on the comp. I didn't want the stairs to creak, so I went outside, up the hill, and around to the back of the house to see if the patio door was open. As I slipped off my sandals and stepped up silent as a cat onto the deck, I saw that the glass door was shut and locked. ...I saw in the reflection of that door what was probably one of the most beautiful moons I'd ever laid eyes on. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and that great round ball of dust and rock sitting millioins of miles away shone like a huge silver nightlight, perfectly centered above everything in a velvet sky. It was amazing... I turned around to have a better look at it and was then mystified by what I saw beneath it. On the crest of the field behind my house there was a blanket of mist or fog glowing beautifully in the ambient light of night, and there were four shadows of deer moving casually about the hilltop. They were grazing the alfalfa.
I gave in to the urge to walk up to the edge of the field at the back of the yard to admire them, but I wanted to be quiet, so I got my feet all drenched with dew and left my sandals by the deck. I was surprised to find that I couldn't even hear my own feet. The creadtures didn't know I was there. They just stayed there as a family and went on with their snacking. I was glad. The only thing I could hear were the frogs and crickets and leaves rustling now and then in the light breeze. Of course there was the highway about a mile or two away, but I'm used to that.. it's like it's not even there.
It's nights like last night that I love to be by myself, yet at the same time I really wish I could have shared it with a certain someone who lives near a city and has probably never experienced something quite like that. I didn't want to leave it. The thought of going back down the hill, into the house, and going to sleep in my dull bed was simply detestable. So, without thinking any further, I made my way to the basement, got a sleeping bag, a pillow, my sketchbook, and my dog Maggy, and went back outside to sleep on the deck. It took me forever to get to sleep because I spent a great deal of time admiring my surroundings, but I didn't mind. Maggy slept at my feet the entire night, and I woke up at 4:30 before the rain hit, which was lucky.
I'm sure this is all of little interest to you people, but honestly I don't care. I just had to tell my little secret.
By John Lennon
Release date: By 11 April, 2000
...Damnit, I insist upon this being utterly true.
(I know... I know "ooh, what a killer diary entry. hah." leave me be, fools, I'm coming down from an energy high which was brought on by sleep deprivation. I have an excuse)
The passed weekend was quite interesting; I enjoyed it. I worked at the county Fair selling consessions each day(except for one, which I'll explain in a bit) and on Saturday when I was done working I spent the night with my good friend Kate. I talked her into going on the craziest rides, which she later admitted enjoying, and we walked around and visited with other friends we saw there, including CARRIE ^-^ lol. This carried (edit: haha, omg!) on from about 9pm till 11:50... we even rode the carousel, hehe... I chose the rooster, Kate chose a zeebra, and we messed around by taking pictures of eachother. We got pretty hungry after that and went into the 4H building for pie and... well, mine looked like apple pie.. but it was peach! ...It was okay. Anyway, I went home with her and we played DDR, watched her DVD of our favorite comedian (Margret Cho), and hung out with Kate's sister Emma. I love their family. They have an African Grey Parrot named Flint and their Dad is 100% British, accent and everything, he loves me to death ^-^. (Pardon me if I'm rambling on, there's so much to say). I was supposed to leave at 4pm the next day to go and work at the Fair again but they convinced me to skip out on it (which didnt take much effort, lol) and I got to drive a Jetski for the first time in my life. Kate taught me how to catch jumps by going paralell to the waves. I'm a pretty adventurous person, so naturally I damn near freaked her out by trying all sorts of crazy things. I love driving dangerous motorized vehichles, dont you?
Another thing: As some of you know, I also work at a grocery store (which is a sad excuse for a job, and there are a million other more interesting things I'd rather do if I weren't stuck here in small-town Perham MN). Well, yesterday I found a couple things to be quite interesting. I was running the till in checkout-lane #2 when these two really hot guys went through my lane... they were a gay couple. lol they were really sweet to me and whatnot... I just found it surprising cause you practically never see gay couples or lesbians for that matter in Perham! And then, like 2 seconds after that, this family comes through and they're speaking a different language which sounds like a mix between Latin and Italian... There was a grandpa, a younger woman who must've been his daughter, and then her two teenage children (daughter and son). The grandpa smiled at me as the mom and her children underwent a typical mild parent/child disagreement and he said to me "they're speaking Greek XD" ... I almost laughed. It was SO COOL!
Apparently doobie-dishing delinquents find that I make them randy enough that they'll pimp their own hands over my picture. That's just repulsive. Do you want to know how I learned this today? Here it is(the conversation that occured):
[stickum]: id spread ur legs apart and fuck ur cunt sdo hard
Me: whoa... and I am so glad that you live like 20thousand miles away. I'm going to pretend I didnt just read that.
(Dipshit): id tie u up and fuck you and ud like it
Me: go pimp yourself already and shut up.
(Senseless horndog):im gonna master bate to ur picture now thx
Me: fine.. go ahead, as long as you stay the fuck away from the real me, then it's all good.
(Pajáro (“masturbator”)):i am and im gonna pretend im fuckinmg you on my kitchen table
Me: haha, I hope you enjoy that little feast of yours, you bong-whore.
(drugbitch):thank you , u may say im a dreamer, but im not the only one, ihope some day ul jion us
Me: join the international league of bongwhores?! I think not! I'd rather fuck a cactus than get fucked up on that shit.
(bloody fool): being stoned is a good thing good bye
Me: suuuure it is. good bye to you too.
Whoa, so I figured out today that I'm a Celtic Christian (which seems fitting, seeing as I've got celtic blood in me).
A Celtic Christian is someone that believes..
- God is a loving Father
-the Earth is a gift of love toward us humans
-we're supposed to take care of that gift
-God wants us to achieve our highest pleasure by confessing Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and loving and serving Him
-there is an invisible world beside our own populated by angels and demons
-there are three planes of existence: Heaven, Earth, and Hell
-in the positive use of knowledge and wisdom and in respect and tolerance of other religions
I'm also interested in mysticism... more celtic stuff. It's just so kick-ass.
It rained today... I love when it rains. I was reminded of a diary entry that I intended to write a couple weeks ago, but never got around to... so I'll tell the little story. Two weeks ago on a wednesday I came home and it was raining. No one was home but me, and it was relatively cold and dreary-looking outside, but I went out onto the yard in bare feet, a t-shirt, and jeans and stood, walked and danced in the pouring rain. It was beautiful. I was cold and soaked through and through but it didnt really seem to bother me. It's days like those that I look at my life and realize how tragically beautiful the little things are, and I mean the little things that people typically think of as a downside. I've found that I'm one of the very few people I know who's actually eager to go outside on a cold and rainy day or admire the blood that trickels from a cut, or laughs and takes it calmly when the freshly boiled pasta spills into the sink.
I fixed my computer! ^-^
I'm having a bonfire party at my place today... sometime around 6:30pm-ish is when it starts. It's currently 1:23pm and I feel sort of sick, like I have a cold. I think I'll be fine, but its just like "...ugh *sigh*" heh... Lots of work to do around the house and outside, plus I've got to drive into town and get a few things. I'm excited cuz I'll get to see Alyssa, Colten, and possibly Ray ^-^
Have a good day, all.
(P.S. get better, pobrecito)
I began to read "Night" by Elie Wiesel on impulse today... by the second page of the story I was already touched by the words I was seeing. I found this:
"Man raises himself toward God by the questions he asks Him. That is the true dialogue. Man questions God and God answers. But we don't understand His answers. We can't understand them. Because they come from the depths of the soul, and they stay there until death. You will findthe true answers only within yourself... I pray to the God within me that He will give me the strenght to ask Him the right questions"
(one of my xanga entries... I'm bored and I like the song. Just thought I'd share it with all you ET people too)
"Wow... I heard this song today. It's so sad... the guy is heartbroken. I love Maná (that's who wrote the song... I love the whole album. ^-^ I got to listen to it today). This song is about a man who's lost his love and it kind of goes out to her, telling her all that he's going through. I honestly cried when I pictured it. I hate seeing grown men like that... heh. (I might translate this later for those of you who aren't familiar with Spanish. I don't feel like it right now because it's a relatively sloppy process for me. I'm so picky and I have to translate it in such a way as to make it still sound relatively poetic and whatnot like a song should be, which is difficult to do).
"Rayando El Sol"
Rayando el sol rayando por ti
esta pena me duele
me quema sin tu amor
No me has llamado
son muchas lunas
las que te he llorado
Rayando el sol
es más fácil llegar al sol
que a tu corazón
A tu casa yo fui
y no te encontré
en el parque,
en la plaza en el cine
yo te busqué
Te tengo atrapada
entre mi piel y mi alma
más yo no puedo tanto
y quiero estar junto a ti
Rayando el sol
es más fácil llegar al sol
que a tu corazón
Me muero por ti
viviendo sin ti
y no aguanto me duele tanto
Rayando el sol
es más fácil llegar al sol
que a tu corazón
Me muero por ti
viviendo sin ti
y no aguanto me duele tanto
rayando el sol"
Hey ppl. I finally ditched my procrastinatio