[searching for the light]'s diary

758165  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2006-03-04
Written: (5240 days ago)

*yawns*
Goodness, I'm so tired. o_O
Last night...I stayed up until 3 IN THE MORNING to finish up some assignments due the very next day--An APWH study guide and the rest of A Tale of Two Cities 5 main points...It's an easy task, but very cumbersome indeed, when you have 150 pages or so to comment on and read when you're dead. Dead being...welll...Dead. XD drained of energy.

*sighs*
But yeah...I'm really suffering PMS baad...Ever since mom took me off the pill, I've been on and off for months, and my cramping feels like knives stabbing my uterus(sp?). But thankfully, Perci has bought me portable heating pads...They last for so long...and they really do help. >__<
I never formally announced the good news: Perci was accepted into UNT!!! The University of North Texas is especially known for having one of the best jazz choir programs in the WORLD. >o< I'm so happy for him. And it's located in the Dallas/Fort Worth area...that's not too far, right? We'll see each other on weekends!
v___v But I'll still miss him.
And so!! I must spend as much time with him as I possibly can before he leaves for college at the end of summer!!!
i don't wanna think about it!

Life is so strange sometimes.
One week, I'll feel like I'm suffering in the depths of despair, and nothing can save me from it.
But other times, like when I talk to Kamala, or have serious conversations to Perci, I know that I have them to save me from myself.

I hate how unbalanced my life can be. It bugs the crap out of me.

B'yeah, I'm happy! ^_^

753480  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2006-02-24
Written: (5248 days ago)

www.xanga.com/kpxsariru

@__@ online friends have become so unreliable nowadays...
i hate how many stupid arguments he's started...
he cheats on his girlfriend(s)...
uuuuugh...darn that cj person.
not to mention he hates my guts because "i'm a prep."
ah, whatever.
^_^;

752782  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-02-23
Written: (5249 days ago)

I had solo auditions today...I was scared crapless...But apparently I did ok...o__O which is surprising...because I didn't practice...>__<

But i missed my second entrance by 8 measures...*shrugs*
I commend my courage for actually going through with this mess, though. If I didn't have so much determination to get into Master Singer's choir...I wouldn't have done this--I'd be too afraid. But I am. So I'm proud of myself. I've grown alot as a person and as a singer by doing this. Woot.

But I've come to realize that all those "friends" I thought I had in choir are really nemesis.(sp?)
They are not my friends. They wouldn't care if I was dead.

752178  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-02-22
Written: (5250 days ago)
Next in thread:

I feel like crap as it is. Now you have to give me the guilt trip? I dont' care if you're just "teasing." It hurts me.
And you know that.
So why continue?

Shal, you've brought me happiness in times of tears...but right now, you're just pissing me off.

I already know I'm a blind, religious idiot. You don't need to remind me. I'm sensitive, too talkative for my own good, and a square in the issues of family. So sue me. I know this.

But why would my "friend" hurt me so?

All I need is Perci and Kamala anyway...Every day, they bring me greater joy.

752096  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-02-22
Written: (5250 days ago)

www.xanga.com/kpxsariru

I honestly don't feel like taking the time out to copy and paste my post from xanga...
Yes, I'm that lazy. <(-@___@-)>

me--> 

<(-'.'-)>   <(Yo soy perezoso.)

751332  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2006-02-20
Written: (5252 days ago)

Things have gone incredibly wrong as of late...
Mom is engaged...They did not ask me if they could...I'm horribly pissed off about it.
I don't know what to say. I just feel really crappy...like...life has suddenly gone downhill for the worst, and I hate it.
I've had 5 or so emotional breakdowns since Thursday or Friday.
I've hated my mom...even told her so...I've yelled, screamed, shouted...mostly for no reason, but just because of all the pent-up frustration.

I am a very emotional person...for even though this situation would unfaze certain people...it really does kill me inside. Anything pertaining to my mother bothers me. I can't stand how damn sensitive I am.

...But thank (the) God(s) I have Perci on my side. He's been fighting for my happiness from the start. When I couldn't possibly utter another word from my mouth, he was there, defending me and helping me. When I was on an emotional rampage against my mother and her stupid boyfriend, I just lost all my will to live, and mentally passed out. But he was right by my side, and knew exactly what to do and what to say to make things right.
I couldn't possibly imagine what state I would be in right now if it weren't for him. Thanks to him, things have been a little easier on me, and I've had a shoulder to cry on when everyone else ignored me.

Perci is definitely the one I want to marry, and I know that he feels the same way.

...I will make it in this strange, sad, beautiful world...And I will survive happily, and I will become strong from all this.
From now on, my life will never be the same. But I will try to keep smiling...

*dies* *revives five minutes later*I wrote that without a tear shed...be happy for me. *tummy rumbles* *walks away to eat*

748105  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2006-02-13
Written: (5258 days ago)

Prince of Darn: You are one ray of sunshine in my day. I feel closer to you each day.
Prince of Darn: You make me smile, my daughter.

My mom's ex-boyfriend and I love each other. I used to hate his guts...But over the years, we've really grown on each other. My mother and I have made him want to be a part of us: Family. And although we are now broken, I still love him like my own father.
...He is the father that I never had. He actually gives a rat's booty about my life. And, sometimes, I feel as if my real father could care less about me.
Rick makes me feel belonging. He thinks about me quite often, and wants to make a life with my mom.

:( Too bad my mom's "in love" with this other sorry-ass (please excuse my language) excuse for a man. I hate this new guy. He's white trash.

At least Rick gave a damn (sorry again) about culture--mainly our culture, that is to say, my mother's and my Korean heritage.
I don't appreciate the fact that he makes fun of my mom about being Korean, and she laughs about it. Personally, it offends me. Sigh.

Rick's as cultured as they get. Not to mention he's a phenomenal writer. And he says I'm a good writer.

Well, I'd better stop ranting and get to my homework. I have to much to do to be sitting around! <3

And happy Valentine's Day to everyone who reads my diary! *blows kisses and throws candy hearts of doom* [<3]

747157  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2006-02-12
Written: (5260 days ago)

(Original Post available at www.xanga.com/kpxsariru)

Well, today wasn't so bad after all.
Aside from the little riff-raff this morning, my afternoon was wonderful.
Perci and I cleaned my house together, and then went out to eat...@__@
Then, I had to go to church ;__; And Perci had his final performances at the Knight Club. I'm sorry I missed it.

B'yeah, anyway. After church, mom and I spent some quality (well, sort of.) time clothes shopping at Goody's. I haven't bought clothes since December. I am a deprived child (just kidding). So yeah! I bought some camisoles...they're pretty green/blue colors. I wanted a pair of gauchos...but mom didn't get them for me ;_; but oh well, i'm not too hurt about it lol?
And...we bought tons of undergarments! o__O;;; Mom usually never lets me buy any, especially when i need them! So huzzah for that. As for the details...I am not obliged to say. XD

B'yeah. The night is running smoothly now, so i can let my hair down (except i put it up for a reason, and don't feel like messing it up) and reeeelaaaaaax.
My throat hurts, though.

746896  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2006-02-11
Written: (5261 days ago)

(Perci wrote this to me and to all on his xanga. It made me so happy, so I had to post it for all Elftowners to see:)

"Im Happiest When She's Around Me

Im Happiest when shes around me....
I remember a time when I was looking for a girl friend just because... If you were cute and even kinda funny, than I would think to myself, "Thats who I want".... I fell for people which when I think about it.... wouldn't work out at all.... So I said.... Screw looking for a girl.... Im just gunna treat them all like friends and try my best to keep my mind out of the question "What if...... she liked me..... we went out..... I had a chance".... My friends called me stupid..... and many of them went on a series of dates..... with many girls.... Yeah I was jealous..... but I stuck with my theory that someone will come to me.... And She did.
  If I could describe my perfect girl (Which I have, many times at uber gay sleepovers with the guys) I asked for a genuinely nice person, Semi shy, Shared interests, Hopelessly romantic, Funny, goofy, and was able to balance what I'm not good at...... I got her..... Sarah has all of these traits in spades...
  If I was with another girl and tried to pull half of the grossly cheesy romantic things I do.... she would look at me like I was stupid and laugh...... Sarah appreciates everything...... Which makes me want to do more for her..... I love making her happy....... Seeing her laugh, smile..... blush...... Gives me butterflys.... All I want to do is be the romantic hero in movies......... And me and Sarah have had Sooooooooooo many picture perfect romantic moments......... Night time carnivals, Pond reflected 4th of Julys, Kissing in the rain, candle lit dinners....... What teens have movie moments this?..... I feel like the luckiest man alive........ Every time we see each other, Its like we haven't seen each other in years..... We are both very affectionate people...... The best part is, Its a meaning full relationship....... I couldn't count how many times we have went +14hrs talking straight.... We share all of our thoughts, about modern issues, what ifs, Likes and dislikes, Morals....... The best part.... We've both spent so much time with each other, we know each others faults........ almost all of them...... Keep in mind when I say this Im not just another stupid nieve teen....... If you know me well.... you know what I mean..... I could not think of a single thing she could do to make me want to breakup.......
   I know about her old boyfiends, old crushes, present crushes......... and she knows about mine...... and we both agree....... we are best for each other...... I don't know what she sees in me........ but Im glad she sees it.......
  If you know me....... You know I HATE when people throw around the word Love........ Im not a square...... things don't bother me...... but it just kind of erks me to see teens say "I LOVE YOU" then break up a month later........... Almost like it mocks the word........
  But Sarah I Love you^_^...... call me a stupid teen if you want, but I love you
Sometimes I think about our relationship and think....... I don't deserve this...... I feel spoiled just having her on my arm..... Shes perfect
   If I had the chance to end this relationship, and go on lots of dates with lots of other girls.......... No doubt in my mind....... I wouldn't."
                          

(I love my Perci. *smiles*)

745583  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-02-08
Written: (5264 days ago)

(Once again, original post available at www.xanga.com/kpxsariru)
Blaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Yes, as the title suggests, today was very uneventful, and somewhat stressful.
My mom kinda set me off, so I'm not in the best of moods at the moment. She's such a jerk sometimes. I'm not the only one who's noticed her Nazi-parent characteristics.
But I guess I've no room to complain.

I hope I get better at singing. It's been a recent bother inside my mind. But practice makes (almost) perfect. And I've been practicing.
But is it enough to make it into the school's varsity choir? We shall see.

Ok then, I guess I'm off.
...My lab partner hasn't been helping me much at all as of late. Hopefully I can grasp the concept of chemistry (fat chance, though) so that I won't have to trouble him or anyone else over my stupid needs anymore.

743154  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2006-02-03
Written: (5269 days ago)

(original post can be found at www.xanga.com/kpxsariru)

"a vent at the top, a funny sentence in the middle that prooves humans are indecive, an message of romance, and the bars of limits come crashing down.

nice. much applaud."


XD Did I just get kudos for being a dummy? :D ...*shrugs* Works for me!

Anyway... I just got home from my grandparent's house.
It turns out that my grandma wants to get me a Pomeranian. o__O And I know why. It's because I'm never at home (because I'm with Perci), so she's trying to find a reason to stay at home. XD She dosen't trust me. But meh, no matter, right? Because she despises dogs. She utterly hates them. So it's weird that she is promoting this.

And...Today, for the first time ever, I got the serious college talk. You know it,
Grampa ”YOU HAVE TO GRADUATE.”
Mom: ”Where are you going to go?”
Sarah: “Well, I was thinking about Rice University…”
Mom: “…” “…What’s that?”
Me: “Umm…well…I hear it’s a good school.”
Mom: “What, is it because Perci’s going there?”
Me: “NO….It’s just…it’s an Ivy-league school.”
Mom: “Well I want you to go to A&M.”
Me: “Ok.”
Grampa: ”WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR?????”
Me: “…”
Grampa: ”ARE YOU MAKING THE GRADES???”
Me: (whispering)“Well I sure hope so.”
and then the typical:
”Sada, I wanchu you to go YooTee.” <--That’s my grandma talking there in her silly Korean-ness accent. My uncle is a grad from there, so that’s why.

But you know how that goes…They gave me the whole shebang.
And tonight, I felt really uncomfortable…It’s hard to make these decisions, because I have to plan for whether or not I’m moving back to AZ or not…It’s very difficult, and hey, check this out—I’m only a sophomore. Why should I be faced with these problems so early? >_< But meh…If I don’t start thinking about it now, I’m never going to make a decision on what I’m going to be doing for the rest of my life. So meh.

I guess I’ll be attending the Tarlatan University located at CTC to get all my pre-requisites out of the way, and maybe balance a part-time job on the side, given that I can safely balance school and work with no problems.

I’m thinking about majoring in languages…But at the rate I’m going, I don’t stand much of a chance. I barely have Spanish under my belt, and I don’t even know Korean. How am I supposed to succeed knowing only 1 language fluently?

…Which is why I’ve decided that next year, I want to participate in the student exchange program. I’m going to look up some information on it later. I think it’s too late this year, but I’m definitely going to try to participate in it in the future.

But then…my mom and I were talking…And…I’m “such a good writer,” according to my mother. So perhaps I could become a writer or journalist? I’ve always thought about this, but if I wanted to become a writer, I’d do it on the side with whatever else I was doing. But to become a journalist? I don’t know…I haven’t even taken any journalism classes. Not to mention that my school’s paper isn’t exactly always up-to-date. They have one like…once every semester, whereas other normal schools have theirs once monthly, at least. So I’d guess that our journalism depot at school isn’t that great…But then, I stand corrected for those of you who are in the Heights journalism classes and disagree with me.



Siiiigh…That’s had me stressed today. But yeah…Sorry for the long rant.
I’ve also been swamped with homework as of late…English and Chemistry, to be more exact. My best and worst subjects.

738169  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-01-25
Written: (5278 days ago)

Meh...<__<
I got paid $15 to take pictures of my mom and her dummy boyfriend, after they just got back from taking glamour shots. It's all about supply and demand...?
Even though that makes no sense.
It's because she didn't want to shell out muchos dineros for a bunch of those pro pics, so she paid me to pull out the digi cam. She had her face and hair did, so meh. I was being lazy and told her to pay me...so I got her to shell out 15. :D
So bleeeh?

737653  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2006-01-24
Written: (5279 days ago)

[Diary Entry originally at www.xanga.com/kpxsariru]

Another bad day


Meh...Bad day indeed.
Not much happened, really. It was just...really disappointing.
I suppose not seeing Perci in the morning was what set me off.
Don't get me wrong; I love Emily and Pilez...It's just that when they're all over each other (which is sweet and all), and when I don't have a Perci nearby to hug, it makes me feel really grumpy. @_@ I guess it's the third wheel feeling, but meh.
Can you really blame me? Well...sure you can, but I'm just saying...from my point of view, it makes sense to me. *eats Perci's sour mint candy* >.< I just made this face.

Anyway...my day got better later on...It's just...Sometimes I feel like I do everything for my friends. I always talk nice to them, and if they need/want something, I do everything in my power to make it happen. All so that they can be happy. I feel like...as much as I try and make their ends meet, nobody really cares. They couldn't care less if I was happy or not. They'd just give me a pity frown, say they're sorry (when really they don't care), and walk away as if it never happened. Heck...what do they care if I jump off a skyscraper? It wouldn't matter to them.
In a sense, I feel pressured to keep making people happy. It's like they're used to me being super nice, so when I'm not, they get all touchy.
...I hate it.

But anyway...my real friends don't make me feel that way, at least. At lunch, I was sitting with Fredo...and of course I never feel that pressure like I do with everyone else. I don't have to play the "Cuteness Tactics™" (parallel to the "Perci Game™") to make everyone happy. Of course I was still blah-ish, but I felt much better. Especially after eating. So yeah.

The rest of my day went kind of smoothly compared to the earlier portion of it. So no complaints there. *eats another sour thingy*

And I was glad, because I got to spend a bit of time with Perci. I love it, because we don't even have to be doing anything. We were just sitting with his friend, and I was happy. XD I was kicking his shoe. So yeah. ^_^

But then I come home to THIS. This....this mockery.
I can't stand this man. He's obnoxious...and HE CUSSES. I know that it's no big deal to some...but if you want to earn my likeness, then you don't talk like I'm "one of the guys." Because I'm not. I'm a girl, AND I'm only 15. How are you going to talk to me like that when you're trying to impress me?!?!?
So no. I do not like him. I will do my best to tolerate him. But no. I do not like him at all.
And then he stands in front of the kitchen, talking on his stupid phone. Be courteous and take it in the hallway, where we can't hear your ear blistering voice. Gawd. It is common sense. Don't stand in my way when you're in the way. MOVE YOUR ARSE.
I know I'm nitpicking...but first impressions are the most crucial.
And in this case, he

PHAILS

.
And btw...I'm not mentioning any names, events, situations, places, etc., etc. So I am not holding out on my promise. I'll leave you all to interpret this as you wish.
737095  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2006-01-23
Written: (5280 days ago)

Meh.

I feel sad. ^^;; It dosen't make sense. I talked to Perci for a long time on the phone today, but...*shrugs*
I don't know why I feel so incomplete.
It's an odd feeling...
But it dosen't help that I have all this pent-up anger from my mom, grandparents, man-whores.
This sucks, but I hate sitting in sadness. I feel like there's so much I could do to improve my attitude, but just choose not to. >.<
I'm so dumb.

I think I'm getting overly dependent on Perci again...I really must get over this...get over him...get over myself!

XD This diary entry is really dumb. I'm sitting here, complaining about nothing, and I HATE IT.

So I'll shut up. Nobody likes a sour pickle (except me...they're delicious).

But still...I can't help but feel this way...And I'd like to get it off my chest, but...It's best if I don't. I mean...blaaah? XD *shrugs*
It's so much fun to just bottle it up and watch it (figuratively) implode.
...Do you think it'd give me brain damage? *laughs cynically*

But seriously...I'll take things as I go along. ^^ As stressful as things can get--I've been through worse. All I have to do is fix chemistry, have x10 focus, and level up by 50 points. XD;;; I'm dumb.
Oh, and I must level up in the MP department, too.
736066  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2006-01-21
Written: (5282 days ago)

^_^ Kamala called me...And I talked to Christen!!!
I haven't talked to them in such a long time...They were my two bestest friends in Arizona, and are my bestest friends period. It's been such a long time since the three of us were "together" like this...even if for a brief period of time...It's been...2 years? Perhaps...? Something like that.

It made me so happy to talk to them again. ^_^

It turns out that my bitchy mom won't let me go to Arizona because of my grades...Gosh dammit...>_< 'Scuse my language...I know it's bad of me...But she really makes me mad.
It's not like SHE was ever pressured to make good grades and stay in honors classes like me. I mean...the whole good grades thing may come natural to some (stares at [shaldengeki]), but I'm not that smart...so I don't absorb things as easily.
And it's not like SHE was ever taken away from all that she had... My friends were my life. In middle school, the academics were the least of my worries...Back then, things were easy. I was very happy with my friends.

Besides...It may be selfish of me, but I feel like I deserve getting to go to Arizona for Spring Break. I've been working my ARSE off for things I suck at, even if I end up making mediocre grades...I really do try my hardest.
And discovering that no matter how hard you try at something, it always turns out the same--far from excelling...It was a slap punch in the face. And it really hurts to know that nothing I do is good enough.
I can't help the fact that chemistry isn't my strong point.
Same with APWorld History.
Yet I'm forced to endure this slaughter on my mind as I try to work out difficult problems...

I'm sorry. I don't mean to complain so much. I just feel very homesick right now, and school has been on my mind as well. Today I saw 2 Arizona lisence plates. Maybe it's a sign.

I feel very alone right now...I wish I had someone to talk to about these things. But not many of my close friends can really relate to me. They sympathize, but don't really know what I'm feeling, nor do they know the right words to say to cheer me up.
But meh...This is something that has been in my life for a while--I've faced it firsthand alone, it's something I should deal with alone. And hopefully, with some rationalization, I can overcome this ridiculous feeling of loneliness alone. (Sounds funny...but it makes sense in my mind.)

734614  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-01-18
Written: (5284 days ago)

Well...sorry I haven't been online lately, diary.
I had a minor breakdown yesterday. >.<

[But not much happened, really.] My school day was actually not bad compared to what I'm used to. It's just...In English, a counsellor came in to explain what our SAT scores meant...And mine...they're only average. I suppose that I should be happy, because I didn't do horribly, and this is my first high school PSAT test EVAR, btw. The way he explained everything...part of me felt more at ease with my scores, but the other part made me feel like garbage.
He said that after at least 3 tries at the SATs, your scores are remarkably better. But next year, as a junior, that's when the SATs count, and that's when the colleges evaluate your scores, your GPAs, and everything else...So that's what worries me.
"What if I can't get into a good college? What if the outstanding colleges just look past me because of my mediocre scores?" o__O "...OMG...What if I PHAIL in life?!?!?"
So yeah...-___-;; Those were all the things that were going through my head. Perci isn't the school's best test-taker, but he's in the top 40 percentile or something like that, which is waaay better than mine (which is in the 65 percentile range...<_<) He also gave me some advice after school...But I was too worried about colleges...So I compliled a list of must-buy books...Such as the Princeton's version of the PSAT/NMSQT study guide, the top 361 colleges (according to somebody), et cetera, et cetera.
So yeah...@___@

And my stoopid PMS didn't help anything, either. I was bullying Perci after school...literally...o__O;;; So yeah...v___v good thing he understands what I'm going through. (To be honest, I've never even experienced the symptoms of PMS until recently...out of 3 years of this kind of thing, I've only had it these past few months...o_O *shrugs*)

And so...I ate too much and felt incredibly fat, and then I sat around and watched American Idol...it was...different.
So then I took a looong shower...When i got out, I was feeling really clammy...It was like an adrenaline rush, without the adrenaline. It was a horrible feeling. So after I fixeded my hair for the next day, I listened to some light and happy music to try and calm my mood and my physical state...v___v;;; Didn't really work, though.
So I went to teh bathroom and stared at myself.
"Bah...I need to lose weight!" *squeezes cheeks* *pats tummy* "Omg...I'm so fuuuulllll!!" And I didn't feel much better anyway.
So then I thought about the SATs again...and thought about making time to buy all the books and signing up for all the extra, expensive classes...And thought, "Mom won't be willing to shell out all the time and money for this kind of thing...I'll just have to suck it up."
Then I thought about it some more...and felt so unsupported...I felt like...@___@ Like I was so alone...and that I needed support and such...But I hated thinking about it, because I knew that I need to learn how to be more independent and stop expecting other people to walk me through life...But it's what I wanted at the moment. I wanted someone to be with me because I was lonely and misguided.

Perci called me later, but once again, I was feeling very PMS-ish, and wasn't in the mood to talk...But later, Perci started chipping away at my evil PMSing exterior to find that I was feeling very blah-ish. >__<
So yeah, I told him everything. Everything I could possibly think of, everything I didn't want to think of, everything that didn't mean anything to me, everything that meant the world to me. *sighs* But once again, Perci saved the day. And I'm glad he did...because if he hadn't consoled me, I don't want to think about the emotional state I'd be in right now. So I'm glad he's helped me.
However...no matter how many times he reassures me, I still feel so weak. Every little thing makes gets to me because I'm sensitive, and I'm always emotional. I'm suuuch a crybaby. I'm surprised Perci's still willing to be with me! XD
But whatever his reasons...I really love Perci. ^^ And hopefully this whole distance thing will help us for college, the real thing.
I only see him for about...20 minutes every day...sometimes less, sometimes more...And we aren't allowed to hang out on school days. But weekends are ours. In a way, I hate the idea. But the pros outweigh the cons by far. It makes our time together that much more enjoyable, we won't ever get tired of each other(?), and it gives me more time to focus on my studies. *nods*

OMFG I forgot to see the counsellor again today...GOSH DA7aer;ojarjtg;lrj h;lieth;oja;elkgnak;ldjhb;oaeirljtg;awero;ig
......o__O GRRR....
*sighs*

Bah. I must get rid of all this stress...Well...most of it's gone...I just have to take care of everything one by one, and it'll be all better. *nods*

733202  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2006-01-16
Written: (5287 days ago)

[Warning: Do not read if you are anti-sappyness. XD I rant about Perci through this whole entry. So read at your own risk. XD]



T___T I love Perci more than anyone I've ever loved before... I thought I loved Mark...Well, I DID really love Mark, but there came a time when I realized that Mark didn't give a rat's booty if I lived or died, and realized that my love for him was just wasted.

...Why love a guy when he dosen't even give you the time of day? Right?

XD And after all this time, I've finally realized that on my own. Despite the fact that Shal-kun tried pointing that out to me after a while...I guess I just didn't believe it for meself. But now that it's obvious to me, it helped me get ooover him. Of course, there'll always be a teensy weensy spot in my heart for him (Perci knows this), but it's nothing more than a frustration of wasting so much time loving him.

Now, I have Perci...^^ I don't want to be the kind of person I used to be when I was thinking about Mark...
"I wanna marry him and bear his children!!!" *shudders*

But I do know that I want to be with Perci forever. I feel complete when I'm with him...*wipes away tears*
...Yeeeah, he does that to me.*gets some tissues*
I just love him so much...I was singing to him..."I can't help falling in love with you" by Elvis...(This is one of my favorite classic songs, mind you--it's Perci's too), and when I was singing, my throat hurt, my nose started running, and I teared up ;_;
And then again later...>.< I guess it was because it was waaay late; time for Perci to go home, and I really didn't want him to go--selfish me. B'yeah...it went something like this:
Me: Sit down with me!!! *smacks behind quarters to the ground* Ow...
Perci: For how long?!?!
Me: Just 2 or 3 minutes!!! *pulls on his hand*
Perci: Mom might get mad at me and take the car away! Is 2 or 3 minutes worth not seeing each other for a whole day???
Me: Well I think it's worth it...*crosses arms* *cries*
Perci: ...*voice softens* Well, me too. *hugs*

Yeah, I know he sounds like the bad guy here, but he does have a point, ne? It's just that his parents always yell at him for being home so late (no thanks to me)
But he said all the right things to make me happy...^^ And...well...as cliche as this sounds, it really was romantic of him.
And then:

Me: *glomps* >__< I love you soo much...
Perci: *smiles and returns hug* I love you, too.
Me: Aaack...@__@ My heart's about to burst. *holds back more tears*
Perci: *smiles more* Let it...*wipes away tears*

*buries head into hands* >////////////< Perci really does make me feel complete. *suddenly feels oh so tired*
-_________-;;; I must get to bed now...^^

Goodnight, diary! ^__^ [<3]

732717  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2006-01-15
Written: (5288 days ago)

^_^ It's days like these when I really do enjoy love and life.
The beginning of the afternoon was really disappointing, because Perci sounded really sad, which made me sad. ;_;
But after he finally came over, we just sat together and enjoyed each other's presence. ^^ We had so much fun...Since I'm not allowed to hang out with him during the school week, and we don't have lunch together anymore, I've been feeling a bit deprived of him. B'yeah, it just makes our weekends together that much more appreciated. ^____^ And mom bumped down my curfew to 10pm! WOOT WOOT! <--Is that really a word? o_O; *shrugs*

But I gave Perci the "present" I drew for him (the "I Love You" drawing on my ET home), so that finally got him realizing how pointless he was acting, and smiled. ^^
Then Wilfredo called after dinner! ^0^ So we went to play some DDR at Putt-Putt. :D I'm usually shy and such when I play because I really suck...(I fail, even if on heavy, waaay too much)..XD But that didn't stop us all from having a good time. :D
And we got back by my curfew! ^^ Then we sat around and talked some more.

WHAT A GREAT EVENING!!! >.< It's left me feeling so happy. ^_^ I feel like no matter we're doing, I can always have a good time with my friends, just being in their presence.

And Perci tells me that Fredo's a very unsocial person, so even shaking his hand is a big thing to be proud of...But I hug him on a daily basis! ^^ So I feel really good that I've earned the favor of Fredo. :)

B'yeah...^^ Great day indeed. So I think I'm going to get some sleep...Tomorrow should be...Interesting. XD I've plans to execute...Unless those said plans will be postponed to next weekend? *shrugs*

732269  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2006-01-14
Written: (5289 days ago)

Okokok...Just so you know...My favorite music...Jpop...Light Jrock...Kpop...Techno... And this...THis R&B Song...Well, this would be the last genre you'd all be expecting me to post, ne?
But as gangster as they are...XD I think it's a sweet song.
I guess Perci has declared it as "our song."
XD So yeah...It's stuck in my head. ^^;;;
So here's the lyrics...If you don't like 'em...tough. Scroll down.
I really like the lead's voice. ^^ It's soulfull, but kinda sorta sweet in that bridge-ish part. I like it lots. *imitates the deep, husky voice*

I don't wanna go another day...
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
Seems as like everybody is breaking up
and throwing their love away
But I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say (Hey)

Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick wit u forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick wit u
You know how to appreciate me, I must stick wit u, my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick wit u

I don't wanna go another day...
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
See the way we ride, in our private lives
Ain't nobody gettin' in between
I want you to know that, your the only one for me

Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick wit u forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick wit u
You know how to appreciate me, I must stick wit u my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick wit u

And now, ain't nothing else I can need
And now, I'm singing.. 'cause your so, so into me
I got you, we'll be making love endlessly
I'm with you, baby you're with me

So don't cha worry about
people hanging around
they ain't bringin' us down
I know you, and you know me
and that's all that counts
So don't cha worry about
people hanging around
they ain't bringin' us down
I know you, and you know me
and that's why, that's why I say

Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick wit u forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick wit u
You know how to appreciate me, I must stick wit u my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick wit u

Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick wit u forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick wit u
You know how to appreciate me, I must stick wit u my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick wit u




B'yeah...my day was pretty nice. ^^ Not too much happened...So I'll just write down the daily routine.
Geom: Took test...wasn't too bad. :D
Choir: Yet another intensive rehearsal. Twas good...
APWH: Still haven't done powerpt. presentation yet. <_<
Lunch: Little Caesar's wiff Fredo! ^_^
Eng: Tone wksht...Was a breeze, really.
Chem: >.< Took a test...I sucked! ;_;
SpanII: Quiz..Did good. *nods* Then learned about Cuzco, Peru.
Sociology: Drew pictures wiff smelly markers. ~_~ kept staring at Anthony, a dude who I have history with...<_< aka I thought he was cute in the 8th grade...He looks the same, but his personality is completely revamped--in a good way. :D(No, I don't like him like that. But who says I can't gawk at good-looking people? XD)
Afterschool, my counsellor wasn't there ;_;
But I helped setting up choir stuff for tomorrow's middle school all-region tryouts. Perci said that would give me brownie points. *nods*
Theeen...Perci took me home, and then we sat outside for a while...then Alex showed up @__@ but it was fun. ^^ Until my neighbors from across the street got out of their cars from arriving home and just plain STARED at us...I wanted to cry, because they're scary. I hate them.*gets the chills*

Ah, well. Good day. ^^; I spent a bit of time with Perci.
Tomorrow's plan: Clean house, wait for Perci to finish with All-region stuff, and perhaps triple date! ^_^
731694  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2006-01-13
Written: (5290 days ago)

(I think I'll make an entry daily. ^_^;;)

So, Diary...
Tell me. Do you think the chances of me reaching my yearly goals are slim?
Diary: "Well...If you don't work at it, then yes, your chances are very slim."
...Yes, you are absoloutely correct, diary. *nods* That means I should stop eating these stupidly addictive hot cheetos right now. That also means that as soon as I'm done writing in you, I must immediately work on my tough chem homework which I do not understand. But that's nothing wikipedia can't solve, right, diary? ^^;;;;;

Well, diary, my day went alright. The first 20 minutes of my morning sucked, but I bit my lip and went on with the rest of the day in stride. As for chemistry...the grade on my last test was a 60. ;_; But oh well...I'm going to make arrangements to talk to my counsellor. There's so much I must do by tomorrow, it isn't even funny. >_<

Anyway...I'm taking up too much time. I'd like to get to bed tonight!!!

So yeah...^^;; Thanks once again for hearing me out, wonderful ET Diary of mine. *hugs the diary*

731275  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-01-12
Written: (5291 days ago)

(Hmm...why not?)

Dear Diary,
This week has been very...stressful.
Monday was horrible; APWH really upset me, homework always piles up, there's a deadline in schedule changing. Must make decisions quickly.
Tuesday: Some stupid freshmen whom is my "friend" made me really angry...didn't see Perci but 2 moments that day, everything seemed to be wrong.
Wednesday: Definitely better than teh other two days: Saw Perci in the morning, had an "intensive"(as I like to call it) choir rehersal(sp?) with Mr. Haygood--felt like my skill increased a tiny bit thanks to his rigorous teaching skills...Went to lunch with Fredo. Overall good day...

But this evening lacks something...It lacks...laughter? Well...my PSAT scores really put a damper on the evening...Earlier today, when I first saw the scores...Well...I didn't know what to think. Some people said that the scores were really good; others bad. So I didn't know...I guess when I found out that they really do suck...Well, it makes me feel dumb and such. *shrugs and sighs* There's always next year, though. *nods* I just have to apply myself whole-heartedly...and I must must must STUDY...which I never do...but really must do.

I also haven't been following my New Year's Resoloutions...which kinda makes me angry with myself.
I'm definitely not where I want to be.
I'm 100 pounds...I'm always eating...I don't study...I dont' do the homework most of the time...@__@ It's horrible.
Plus, I'm not being assertive like I wanted to be. I must really learn from this.

Sorry for complaining, diary. I just feel the need to vent, I suppose. And where better, ne?

A question that resounds in my head...
I love Perci more than I've ever loved anyone...I know that what we have is special, not just puppy love...
I want to marry this man.
That much is for sure. We are in love.
But sometimes, I think to myself, "Is this really going to work out?"
There's so much I haven't done yet. I haven't ever been on a blind date, I've never had a random person ask me out on a date, I've never explored all that this high school life has to offer me. I don't know what's out there. I don't really know of anything besides Perci. I'd like to see everything. Learn of every kind of people.
Just to make sure that Perci really is "the one".
Don't get me wrong...I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. He's the one who I want my future to be with. My heart is set on <3us<3.
And I may be stupid, but I know what I want. I see things from every perspective; every point of view. I'm not foolish enough to go and do something stupid.
We'll see what happens though, eh?

And choir is weighing heavy on my mind also. Unlike all the other girls who I am ultimately competing with, I don't have the edge that they possess. This is only my second year in choir, whereas all the girls I know have a strong choir background...They've been in choir since middle school and before that. So in terms of experience...I'm definitely at the bottom of the barrel. And technique, skills...I lack in that as well. I feel as if I should just give up on singing, because no matter how much effort I put into everything I strive for, there will always be someone who's one step ahead.
The varsity choir is what I want...more than anything. That's my goal for this school year. Right now, I'm seen as nothing more than a flunkie in choir...I'd like to really be something. I want a good voice...I wanna be in the Master Singer's Choir!!! O__O;;;
...And Les Chanteurs (aka Jazz Choir) would be a good addition to that as well. v____v;
But this goal...I have a chance of achieving it. I have the tools; I must hone them and use them to my advantage.
[X]~Attending choir events and parties
[]~Attending choir competitions
[X]~Sightreading/sightsinging
[]~Charisma
[]~Natural Talent
[X]~Best behavior

These are all the things I need. I only have a few of those on the list...
But if I gain confidence, and attend all the rest of the competitions...Hopefully my overall score will change...
This I will work on.





Well Diary...Thank you for hearing me out. I needed to vent. I needed to organize the thoughts inside of my mind.
You're just what I needed. *smiles*

I will strive for:
~ Focus
~ Tranquility
~ Exercise...?
~ Dieting the healthy way
~ Graciousness
~ Singing ability
~ Better study habits
 The logged in version 

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